Morne the Hippo

Morne Morkel has always interested me. There’s something about him that makes me think Boris Karloff would have loved to play him in a film. There’s a large loveable flawed silent monster feel to him. Slightly doomed perhaps, but able to wreak amazing damage, even if by accident.

Even his name sounds like a made up villains name.

While Dale Steyn has a vicious face, and Vernon Philander has the cunning eyes of a man who would make a mint on Wall St, Morne looks like a friendly tourist bus driver.

Batsmen have told me it’s scary facing him. And you can certainly see why. Pace, bounce and inconsistency are about the last thing you want to see coming at you from the other end. Even if he’s got a idiosyncratic run up of a man who is less predator and more guy who checks the oven’s off three times before leaving the house.
On his official website, Morkel has a diary, in it he writes “We just had our final practice session before the series starts tomorrow! The boys are looking good and ready to go. I hope we can deliver something special this series and that we’ll get off to a winning start! Thank you so much for all of your messages!” That’s a lot of exclamation marks for a man who beat your brains in with a cricket ball. He also says that if he wasn’t playing cricket, he’d be a doctor, unlike most quicks who like to send people to the doctor.

The website also states that his favourite animal is the Hippo. Whether by accident or design (like his bowling) he’s picked the animal that is most like him. It looks cute and cuddly, is a favourite of those who liked stuffed toys and isn’t the sort of animal you’d think would want to kill you. But they do, oh how they do. They were actually built with massive canine teeth and razor sharp incisors just to cut you open and kill you. Much like Morne with his height and pace.

Even with all these natural attributes, Morne struggled for a few years to become a regular for South Africa. He’s currently ranked 9th in the world in the Test bowling rankings. And despite all this natural talent he’s only got a bowling average of 30. Which for a normal bowler is quite decent, but if you’re Morne it seems under par.

Recently I was trying to find a match where I thought saw Morne have a break down mid over and let go about 20 runs including wides and no balls against Bangladesh. I was convinced that I’d seen it, so I went through the ESPNcricinfo archives looking for it. I found the Test, but instead of the car crash I expected to find, he’d taken 4/73.

Then I kept looking through his figures, and to my mathematical challenged mind I started seeing a pattern, no matter what the circumstances, or seemingly how good or bad he’d bowled, Morne often ended up with roughly 4/80.

Now I say roughly, because it’s not an exact science. But in his first Test he took 3/86, and today he took 4/80, in between other innings have happened that occasionally prove my point, and sometimes do anything but. It’s not scientific, or even that often an occurrence, but there is something about Morne that just screams he’s going to take 4/80.

The day I looked up the Bangladesh match was during the first Test at the Oval, where he finished with 4/72. At the time I wrote, “If I survive the apocalypse, I bet I’ll check the scores and Morne Morkel will still have 4/80.” Yesterday on twitter and the Two Chucks I said Morne Morkel continues his trudge towards a 4/80. And he did. Now, I’m not saying I’m an oracle (I am), I’m saying Morne Morkel is a hippopotamus with a statistical anomaly that doesn’t happen that often.

Morne has all the skills of a brilliant hunter that could travel the world and devour the weak, but something isn’t quite right. At the moment he is the hippopotamus that waits for someone to fall out the boat, and then kills them, rather the kind who tip them out of the boat in the first place. 4/80, rather than 4/40, if you will.

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3 thoughts on “Morne the Hippo

  1. Eagerbrad says:

    And I’ll take 4/80 from him every time! You may find out as time goes on that I’m quite the Morkel fan (read: obsessive stalker). He has the raw abilities to strike fear into the hearts of even the most juggernautical batsman, but the personality to lull them into false security. Morne the Hippo<3

    PS: I'm CowsCorner Cricket ;)

  2. but if you look at his overall stats, he’s a 2/57 bowler

  3. but if you look at his overall test stats, he’s a 2/57 bowler. He must have had some very unproductive matches.

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