Jason Alexander was an inspiration to me as a child. He was like Larry David, but you wanted to have a beer with him as he yelled his latest story of woe while dropping mustard down his shirt.
Recently he called cricket a gay sport.
He said it in the way that people say, “that’s so gay” about a dog or movie they think is overly effeminate, or shit.
Alexander has now taken it back, because, you know, people got pissed off and because after some soul searching he worked out that while in his life gay meant effeminate, camp and fabulous, in some places like the schoolyard and social backwaters people say gay to abuse people.
But that doesn’t change the bigger question, is cricket gay?
To answer this question you need to take a step back. Because first you need to work out whether cricket is male or female.
Some sports are obviously male, like boxing and netball. And some sports are obviously female like rhythm gymnastics and American football.
Cricket isn’t quite so easy to categorise. A fast bowler who likes blood or an opening batsman who attacks is masculine, while a left arm finger spinner or a number six batsman who likes to bat with his collar up is clearly effeminate.
The whites and cable knit sweaters hint at a sport that is fabulous, but the grass and leather stains show that it’s quite grubby.
The protective gear is not pretty or that well made, but the bats are elegant, stylish and they smell better than sex.
The game stops for tea, but doesn’t like the romantic feel of rain.
Everyone wears gloves and hats, but cricket balls really hurt when they hit you, or your groin protector.
Cricket is just to hard to work out what sex it is, let alone what sex it wants to have.
I’d say that cricket is an occasionally well dressed intersex being who veers between asexual and promiscuous with anything that moves. Which, I assume, is what Jason Alexander actually meant.
Cricket is more like that old androgynous person who lives at the end of your street who likes cats and John Coltrane.