Geoff Lawson wrote a letter to Dav Whatmore about coaching Pakistan, and so should we all. Here is mine.
Misbah Ul Haq isn’t one of us.
It’s quite obvious really.
If you know anything about paleocontact or ancient astronauts you’ll have seen the signs long ago.
Misbah brings the truth:
While other Pakistani cricketers pretend they are actually embryos who have been locked in their mothers womb but only come out for a match day, Misbah doesn’t. When asked about why he was so old and yet making a come back he said it was because he was his actual age. His actual age, can any Pakistani cricketer give us more truth than that?
Misbah brings the calm:
The single greatest thing about the Pakistan Cricket team is their flair for craziness. If the entire cricket world was made up of hard working New Zealand players we’d all be watching UFC. The only reason Wrestling is so big in America is because they believe they have to artificially bring in the drama, whereas cricket fans know if you want drama, comedy or even dramedy, you just call Pakistan.
Misbah brings money:
Who invented T20 cricket? Who gives a shit. Without Misbah playing that weird scoop when he had India by the balls, everyone in cricket would be eating left over Maccas and stealing VCRs from their mums house. No man has changed modern cricket more than Misbah. Even if it might have been a bit for the shit.
Misbah brings his eyes:
He may not be the first calm and measured Pakistani, Imran, Inzi and Moyo all flirted with this at times. But they still had Pakistani eyes. And Pakistani eyes (which are nothing like Pathan noses I’m told) can’t help but betray all calmness. With Misbah his eyes are lifeless, they’re more like LED bike lights than anything resembling human.
Yet even with the calm truthful eyes of Misbah, people want to get rid of him.
No doubt to bring in some over excitable puppy dog captain, or someone else who’ll do it for a week before leaving to cobble shoes in Italy. Misbah wins the Test series against the number one side in the world, loses a few ODIs no one could remember while they were watching them and people start to question his leadership. Some don’t even question, they just want him out.
That would be a mistake, Dav. Misbah is the man you want, because he isn’t even a man. He’s an alien. A bloody good one too.
Misbah is an alien who was sent here to guide Pakistan cricket to a better time.
It’s probably quite obvious to you, mostly because I doubt if Misbah ever felt truly human to anyone.
Pakistan have tried several humans of recent times, and none of them have been any good. Salman is off churning ice cream in prison. Younis wouldn’t deal with anything less than a personal dictatorship. Shahid didn’t have enough time to wash his hair during a Test. And Mohammad looked a little confused.
I know Pakistan being lead by a man like Misbah is similar to Shahid Afridi wearing a Sarah Lund sweater, but it works.
Dav, Misbah changed the world, made Pakistan win and is old enough to remember Kirk Cameron not being a fundamentalist fuckwit.
Misbah may not be from our planet, but ask yourself this, does Pakistan Cricket need a Pakistani to lead them, or could they do better with an ancient astronaut?
Fund my film you bastards.