My application for the Pakistani coaching position

It’s application season again at cricket with balls.

Since I was so busy working on a one day series that the players didn’t even care about, I missed out on the plum job of printing out fact sheets for John Buchanan’s New Zealand.

But I missed it, and John gave it to a dude from Lawn Bowls.

I should be mad, but I’m not.

The Lawn Bowls dude getting a job shows that all of us are now qualified to work in cricket, and with several jobs available, this is the best time to apply.

The Pakistani coaching job seems like the easiest to apply for, and also, will be the one I am most suited for.

Being that all they ask for is a resume (I mean come on, how piss easy is that?) I have attached my CV at the bottom of this post, and will also send it too intikhab@nca.com.pk.

 

The Jrod

Just one man and mostly less than that.

 

Escaping the womb with a well-judged three, I was born into a family of cricket fundamentalists.  Over dinner there would be talk about when the new ball should be taken, why two fielders in gully can be handy and how to properly balance a batting order.  Years passed and these conversations kept happening with family, friends and occasionally with drunken strangers or passionate taxi drivers.  Then when my film production company was stalling, I came to the UK and became the cricket-writing outcast I am today. Knowing that any attempt at a normal CV to your fine Cricket Side would be futile, I have changed a previous one to prove that not only do I have what it takes to Coach the mighty Pakistani side, I am your only option.

 

Shitting by a train

A real coach makes the tough calls even if he looks like a fool publicly.

 

We’ve all defecated in a public situation after a few drinks, but my public episode was not due to drinking.  Years ago when on my way to an afternoon rendezvous with a lady who wasn’t worth it, I caught the wrong bus, ended up in the middle of nowhere walking by a train line and needing a shit.  Now, there were two options, either take that shit near the train line, and show up fresh to her, or barge into her place demanding I use the toilet.  I took the tougher option and did my business right out in the open, which was fine, until the train came by.  From there I used napkins and newspapers to clean myself, and then went about my awkward copulation when I arrived at her place.

 

Two Pakistan shirts

No one puts a tiger in the corner.

 

You’ll get a lot of overseas coaches applying for this job.  Most of them will be selfish carpet baggers trying to get a few extra column inches before Australia, India, South Africa or England come calling.  Not me, I’ve wanted to coach Pakistan my whole life.  I consider it the one job in cricket I am actually perfect for.  I won’t be hugging Shoaib or holding large books that no one has ever finished, I’ll be wearing a Pakistan knock off ODI kit.  I am just that passionate about Pakistan cricket.  And if anyone in the press abuses our boys too much, I’ll challenge them to a jelly wrestling contest.

 

Match fixing

A little from column A, a little from column B.

 

If you are completely against Match fixing, illegal book making syndicates and want a pure and free Pakistan cricket team, I’m your man.  I will declare a war on match fixing at my first press conference and wear a t shirt with a cross through Hansie Cronje’s face on it.  However, if you are for match fixing, and want to continue this practice, I can also be of help.  What you want to do is tone it down a bit. I suggest just doing it against the kiwis.  I mean, who is going to remember the result of a New Zealand Pakistan ODI 8 minutes after it finishes?

 

Coaching experience

Mill Park Under 16s assistant coach

 

Other than one unproductive stint as an amateur junior assistant coach, my resume is empty.  This should not been seen as a negative, but as a positive.  I mean even that sentence proves that I have the skills to become a coach.  What I don’t have is an overabundance of experience weighing me down.  I’m fresh and clean, and I won’t be plagued by previous mistakes that I haven’t made.  I will essentially the Shahid Afridi of cricket coaches, and even though I am younger than he was when he hade his debut, I think that I am your man.

 

Conclusion

The end or close; final part.

 

As a country you need to decide, do we want a coach who is responsible, well-meaning, considered, analytical, good with people, respected and has a great cricket brain, or do you want a slice of the Jrod.  The choice is easy, nothing is more Pakistani than the Jrod.

Advertisements
Tagged

5 thoughts on “My application for the Pakistani coaching position

  1. yenjvoy says:

    Dear JRod,

    Thanks for your application. It is with sincere regret that I must inform you that we are unable to consider you at this point, for employment as Cricket coach of the Pakistan team.

    Frankly, the selection panel was disturbed by your lack of experience in the matter of shitting by train tracks. In Pakistan, we begin teaching this admirable practice of shitting by the train tracks at a very young age. You seem to have done this only once, which is a major gap in your otherwise admirable resume. We encourage you to make a regular practice of this from now on and follow proper technique while doing so. For example, every Pakistani knows from experience that the best way to shit by the train tracks is to do so facing away from the train, so that the shitter cannot be identified, with the added benefit of giving the train travellers a complimentary mooning in the process. Javed Miandad evolved and perfected this technique and since then it has been followed with great success by generations of Pakistani cricketers. Additonally, your mention of napkins and newspapers indicates that you are a wiper. Napkins and Newspapers will not fly in a country of washers. In Pakistan, every proud member of our Cricketing fraternity has the foresight to carry a bottle of water along when going for a shit by the train tracks. We believe in coming out clean, whereas the abhorrent practice of wiping often results in lingering residual matter, which goes against our stated mission to clean up Pakistan Cricket completely.

    I hope you do not take this as a rejection but as constructive feedback and an opportunity to address critical skill gaps. We advise regular shitting by the train tracks from now on, and hope that the accompanying complimentary bottle of water will help you pursue the level of cleanliness we aspire to in our Cricket. Please do feel free to apply again after a reasonable amount of time has been spent in practice.

    Sincerely,
    Intikhab Alam
    PCB

  2. MartDawg says:

    I am against you getting the job. You might bring some level of competence to the role, and that is not what I have come to expect from Pakistani cricket.

    Also, I read your last book and enjoyed it. Shall I bother buying the others or were they simply a warm up to your masterwork. I fear they might lack the bromance that bound this one together.

  3. I agree with MartDawg. You might just start making Pakistani cricket act semi-normal and stable. Which, does take away from the entertainment value of keeping up with them.

  4. Angy says:

    yenjvoy you are my hero

Comments are closed.