England’s rampant criminality is a plus for cricket fans

You know if India had beaten England we’d have something approaching a kick ass world number 1.

Sure, since India surged past lifeless corpse test nations to grab the spot, they’ve been a bit drawy, but they’ve been fighting draws.

We want a number one team that has champion players and who fights like a tough kid with Lesbian parents.

India were pretty much that, they started every series down and out, but then came back hard and united, fighting their way to well earned draws.

There was something about them, and while I needed them to beat England to really jump on the India superpower rocket ship, I liked the way the way they played.

Now we are back to square one, again.

When South Africa became the number 1 test team it was largely a statistical thing, and when they actually had the chance to go number one properly they bottled it against Australia. They didn’t feel like the awesome number one we were looking for.

India got there largely the same way, they seemed to have more fight than South Africa, and they got there in a slightly more charismatic way, but you know, they still hadn’t won in Australia or South Africa, and their team seemed really old. Ray Price old.

When both teams made it to number one I complained that neither team was really this amazing dominant force, just the best we had at that given time. No South African fans complained, hundreds of Indian fans complained.

Now England has gone one worse, but they are making us start the calculations all over again.

By beating India, but not beating South Africa or winning much at all in the Subbie, they’ve given us another number one is probably the best right now, but who hasn’t quite stormed the globe wreaking havoc and destruction on the world.

They might. They seem to find another fast bowler capable of averaging under 30 everytime David Saker looks in the fridge, their batsmen are boring batting gods, and Andy Flower could make the trains run on time in Italy.

But they still have a bit to go to being a dominant number one, rather than a statistical one that could be leapt over at any moment.

And what is worse is that if South Africa stomp on  the minnows Australia and the has been Sri Lankans, England lose their number one crown without even playing another test.

I mean, it’s hard to get too excited for Team England’s naked romp around the globe when there is a chance they won’t even be number one next time they play.

England also make themselves hard to love with their professionality, which may not be a word, but it should be.

But their also not easy to hate, Broad and KP notable exceptions.

The good news is they have started their reign as number one by poaching Young Frankenstein Boyd Rankin from Ireland. Meaning that yet again, Ireland have the bowling of George Dockerell and a few blokes from the pub.

There are some people who are very upset at this, but I am not.

England may take a couple of years to fly around to all the backyards and beat up the weak kids, but this act of unnecessary crowd baiting arrogance is the exact sort of thing you’d expect from the world’s kickass number 1.

It’s a no lose situation for cricket fans, we either get England failing, and the laughs that come from that, or we get our new evil empire.

Hate doesn’t lead you to the dark side, it leads you to number one.

Buy this you bastards.


16 thoughts on “England’s rampant criminality is a plus for cricket fans

  1. Delbert Wilkins says:

    Erm, but he’s still eligible to play for Ireland.

  2. Deep Cower says:

    But why this desire to have a “dominant” No. 1 team? This carousel is vastly more interesting. Every team enjoys their spot in the sun, and travels and gets beaten. What could be more fun? We had a dominant Australian for ten years, and cricket was a competition for the No. 2 spot. Utterly boring!

    I am waiting for Sri Lanka and Afghanistan to join the band wagon of top test teams. Now we have more reason for a test world cup!

  3. Howe zat says:

    Too true, DC. Connected to it is this bizarre catchphrase of “what a no.1 side would do” or “how a no.1 side plays” every time a tactical decision comes up. When what they actually mean is “what this side would do if they had been miles better than everyone else for years.”

    It’s okay not to be that lot. You can be the side that’s just been winning.

  4. Howe zat says:

    Incidentally, England have got there by winning six series in a row and eight out of their last nine, plus a draw in South Africa. They’ve bloody stormed up the table. Can we stop acting like they go there by default?

  5. pavops says:

    Is Saker’s fridge management now held as cooler than Troy Cooley’s in Oz? Poaching him back like they did his predecessor would be quite a statement of bastard, however uncharacteristic that might be of Greg Chappell.

  6. yenjvoy says:

    England got swatted in India. We retired Flintoff and Trescothick (for good this time) when England visited. We got KP fired from captaincy. A Bombay club side bowled out England for under 100. England are number 1 at home. Only at home. Fuck them. Let them come here to the subcontinent and beat Bangladesh first, then we’ll see.

  7. Howe zat says:

    Looking into it, it does. Call that one series then, if you like. I’m yet to see the problem with calling the side that’s been winning everything lately the best.

  8. Geoff_Boycotts_Grandmother says:

    In their last 12 tests, England have beaten India, Sri Lanka, Australia (three times) and Pakistan by an innings.

    Six innings wins in 12 tests. And that’s not beating up Zimbabwe or Bangladesh, that’s four of the five best teams in the world not called England (or England A). This is history in the making.

    When Spain won the football world cup, they didn’t play four of the five best other teams in the world on route to winning it. When Man U have been winning the Premier League they’ve been losing games on route and dropped the occasional points to rivals. When Djokovic wins a grand slam he doesn’t have to beat Federer, Nadal, Murray, Tsonga and Soderling and when he does play them in between slams he does occasionally loses to them.

    England haven’t just beaten their rivals, they have obliterated them. Six innings wins in 12 tests doesn’t even include beating India by 319 runs (comfortably more than India have scored in any innings in the series so far) in the 2nd test. In footballing terms, they’ve gone 3-0 up and brought on the kids, who have proceeded to play keepy-ups for the entire second half, before nut-megging each player in turn, twice, getting to the goal-line and trapping the ball before getting down on their hands and knees to head it over the line.

    This is maybe the most dominant team in history. The West Indies won 10 test matches by an innings in the entire 1980s. England have won 7 in 14 months. OK, that probably says more about their opponents than them, but what more are you expecting in order for England to be legitmately crowned number one in the world: to thrash the number one team in the world by 196 runs, 319 runs and an innings and 242 runs in quick succession? Oh wait, England have just done that.

    In the last series played against each test playing country, England have won at least one test by an innings. And they’ve won all of those series, except one, when they drew away from home.

    Sure, there are a few more things for England to tick off – but then what was the record in the sub-continent like of the last great team, the Australian team of the 90s and 00s?

    England are the dominant force in world cricket at the moment, and if South Africa leap-frog England without playing them, then that’s the statistical quirk.

    Trust this is the sort of arrogance that you were looking for jrod, and that’s it’s enough to confirm England as no. 1 (sporting enemy).

  9. nick says:

    Nz will kill this Eng team next year when they gonna come here to play. just wait and watchhh

  10. yenjvoy says:

    Now I see where Boycott’s insanity comes from. His granny makes him look sane by comparison. What did this most dominant England side do the last time they were in India playing Tests? Oh wait, they don’t go to India because they shit their pants there. Literally. So Test Cricket dominance is all about winning at home, where your boys play in half sleeve shirts while the opponents wear 3 sweaters and longjohns. Nice. Win against Bombay Gymkhana B team in Mumbai first, then we will talk about being the most dominating Test side in history. By that time I would have stopped laughing hopefully.

  11. Sidthegnome says:

    I like that England are number 1 – let’s be honest, if England can make number 1, any team can. It gives me a sense of comfort.

  12. Kim says:

    “not easy to hate, Broad and KP notable exceptions”. I dunno, I’m starting to hate Bell. I think it’s something to do with the cliches and defensive mumbling he does every time he’s interviewed about being out/not being out controversies.

  13. Levi says:

    Just bought your book from Amazon only to be told to expect it on 10th September. After my holiday.


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