All of cricket’s days are shit: attack of the Neil Harveys

I’ve seen a lot of cricket books of recent times, they’ve been written by a host of people from a bunch of different countries, but the over riding message of them was that ‘cricket was better in my day’.

No it wasn’t you sentimental cuntox fuckbrain.

Cricket was different in your day. You liked it, you were young, had hair and could get a blow job without paying for it, cricket had problems in every era, even yours.

Cricket has it’s problems right now.

It can’t work out whether it want to suck on the fat monied penis of India, or cry rape.

It’s dabbled with technology, but never really got it right the way Paris Hilton did.

It can’t work out whether it wants fresh blood or just want to remain an incestuous private affair.

People bowl no balls all the time, and sometimes buy a new car with the profits.

Cricketers turned into gangsta rappers for a while, although it was just one drive by.

The most watched form of the sport is the one everyone lines up to take a dump on.

Test and ODI cricket die more than Harbhajhan Singh would doing Monkey impressions at the Symonds’ household.

And the free hit camera in the world cup was perhaps the biggest hate crime perpetrated on sports fans since the slow motion camera was used in sprinting after tight groin hugging costumes were invented.

Yet, it’s alright.

It’s alright in the way if someone asks you how it’s going, you say, I’m alright.

It’s probably not great, but it’s ok, better than shit, far from awesometitties, but we like it.

Players who get injured generally get looked after, there is support for cricketers who suffer from mental issues, in most cases cricketers make what professionals in other fields make at least, you can come out safely and with the advent of artificial hair surgery you can smile awkwardly on an ad and get free hair like substance to hide your bald spot. There’s probably more good stuff, like video analysis and stuff like that, but you get the gist.

Cricket has always been a bit fucked up, it’s part of it’s unique charm.

As the Woody Allen of sports it is far too introspective, manic and more likely to sleep with an adopted daughter than most sports.

Most sports are less likely to declare a major format of theirs dead on a daily basis.

That’s part of cricket’s charm, the worrying mumbling sport in the corner of the room whilst the other sport try and pick up.

It’s not smooth or charming, it’s kind of accidentally vulgar and offensive, but in an intellectual way.

Cricket’s always been like this, the problem is everyone looking back looking for the golden era.

There is no cricket golden era, there is just more shit.

Amateurs pissing on professionals, match fixing, whites only, uncovered pitches, slow scoring rates, bore draws, racism, shit over rates, veiled racism, elitism, players getting ripped off, the MCC dictatorship, politics, rebels, Kerry fucken Packer, the middle overs, and the back foot no ball rule.

We’ve had it all, there are no glory days, Bruce Springsteen lied to you, just days you remember fondly.

If you’re going to write a cricket book, feel free to talk about how the decade you love was your favourite, but if you dare to write about cricket’s golden period, how it was better back then, when cricket was cricket, or anything like that, know that I will hunt each and every one of you down and beat you to death with a cricket bat that looks more like a paddle, but that can hit you 20% further.

Cricket wasn’t better in your day, you were just too fucken stupid to notice.


11 thoughts on “All of cricket’s days are shit: attack of the Neil Harveys

  1. when you find those ones ‘cricket were better in my days’ … send them to me .. i will defecate on them as well.

  2. Sach says:

    So Neil Harvey will be dead tomorrow?

  3. raj says:

    Cricketwithballs was better in my day

  4. raj says:

    Cricketwithballs was better in my days

  5. I feel you badly needed to get that off your chest.

    I know what you mean though, it’s a bit like Geoff Boycott or Mike Atherton, etc, trying to tell us cricket was better when they played. One thing for certain is it wasn’t more exciting in their days.

  6. Matt says:

    So what cricket book do you recommend? Other than your own, of course.

  7. […] the last word goes to Jarrod Kimber: As the Woody Allen of sports [cricket] is far too introspective, manic and more likely to sleep […]

  8. Sujan says:

    Nice one!

    Loved this line: “It can’t work out whether it want to suck on the fat monied penis of India, or cry rape.”

    This must be the only thing I would regret being an Indian.

  9. Howe_zat says:


  10. […] In other news: India is being dragged over the coals for giving up on the last test against the Windies; Daniel Vettori’s glasses have made New Zealand my least favorite test playing nation; and Jarrod over at Cricket With Balls has written my favorite cricket article ever.  Read it. […]

  11. Sidthegnome says:

    Just once, I want to see the “cricket sucked my day” autobiography. Now that would be something.

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