why runners should stay in cricket

Other than for hilarity, the job of the runner in cricket has proved little more than batsmen are by large soft nanmy pamby douchjuices who need someone to do the hard work for them.

It’s getting late and dark, send a bowler out to watch for me.

He’s bowling fast, build me helmets and body armour to substitute for courage.

And I’m sore, bring out a gimp to run for me.

Personally I think that unless you lose a limb, and by limb, I mean leg, you should just bat on and take the pain.

However, the use of the runner proves to one and all that bowlers are manly masculine warrior behemoths, and batsmen shit themselves when they sneeze.

Nothing says that more than when you’re watching some batsman with a bruised hip waddling to square leg like a pensioner walking to a bus stop.

Now we are in a situation where batsmen may look more manly by accident.

After years of doctoring the laws to make it easy for them, they’ll be forced to man up and bat even if they can’t run.

Most wont. Most will pussy out and retire hurt, putting their team further into the shit while they get a team of physios massaging their mildly twisted ankle.

But one wont.

Some bastard like Simon Katich will bat even through he can barely stand up.

He’ll look like a tough soldier who is fighting on even though bits of him are falling off. He’ll be shot with a long lens, have some sort of semi hard rock as his soundtrack, and everytime he shows how much pain he is in, we’ll get a bunch of super slow motion showing us. The batting press, which is almost all of them, will spew forth with masturbatory poems about the courage of this man to bat on. “How could be continue to bat through the pain of a slightly disjointed hip bone.  Each step he took was proof of the human spirit itself, a sharp single was putting him through agony and showing us that there is just nothing we can’t do.  His batting was humanity at it’s purist.  As he took a two, you could hear the crowd moan at once, ‘Oh, the Horror’.”

They’ll never mention that everytime a fast bowler hits the crease his spine snaps, his feet implode and his internal organs are smashed around his chest like crash test dummies.

No, they’ll just talk about how impressive the batsman who manages not to be a pussy is.

So that’s why runners should stay in cricket.

It was soft batsmen who put them in the laws in the first place, and it’s too late in cricket folklore for the narrative to be changed.

Batsmen are soft, and need someone to run for them, it’s just how it is.

Plus, run outs with runners are always funnier. Everyone knows this.


10 thoughts on “why runners should stay in cricket

  1. ghurram says:

    Well written. On a more serious note, such ridiculous decisions by the ICC might rob us of gems – the one played by Laxman at Mohali for instance. There should be a yardstick in determining whether someone needs a runner (which I do understand is super tough). But somehow, allowing them ain’t no bad either. Consider – it helps the fielding team in runouts as runners cause more serious problems in communicating a run.

  2. Angy says:

    I suspect for a few of the older blokes like Laxman, the act of calling a runner is not so much about toughness as it is about the practicality of completing more than one single in a human lifetime.

  3. PeterZ says:

    I was going to pass this around the team for a laugh until I realised that our best bowlers are also our best batsment. The curse of the allrounder.

    None of us are pussy enough to call for a runner though.

  4. well not allowing a runner might lead to more “accidental” collisions of fielders and batsman when the batsman is on course to take his team to victory!!

  5. Alvaro_FSS says:

    Only Indian batsmen call for runners anyway

  6. Don’t bowlers hit back a bit in the namby stakes by spuriously trotting off between spells for a waz and a vimto?

  7. Rahul says:

    Where is the Like button for Seb’s comment?

  8. Angy says:

    What in the flamin mongrel is are waz and vimto

  9. Epicureorxfb says:

    Vimto is a gift given to us by the gods because they realised that next to it ambrosia tasted like flat, warm cat’s piss.

    In the UK, Waz, or Wazza is sometimes used as a shortened version of the name Warren. This might not make things clearer.

  10. The Pav says:

    Never having batted long enough to require a runner I can’t comment from personal experience although I do think Ian Healey summed it up in a match against SL

    A certain SL batsman ( known more for his bellicosity than for his fitness) was calling for a runner. In the tradition of all good ‘keepers Heals pointed out that “being fat & unfit was not an injury”

    Fair call in this case.

    As usual Monty Python have the answer as I’m a believer in the Black (It’s only a flesh wound) Knight standard

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