Why all people who talk about (F)(U)DRS are idiots

I completely detest how much passion people have for discussion the DRS. Even when I write UDRS I am told I’m making a shocking error than can only be fixed by technology, and others who think the mistake was just part of my charm.

So here is my complete unscientific take on DRS and while each and every one of us, including me, is an idiot.

Obvious Vs Obvious Obvious

What is an obvious howler?

There is no obvious answer.

5MM outside legstump is obvious, as is a noise that can’t be matched to a visual. Obvious is a Whoopi Goldberg word, because there’s obvious and then there’s obvious obvious.

There are some umpires who have trouble with the basic principles of umpiring, do we also want them trying to work out how obvious, obvious is?


There is one fact that seems to be overlooked by both sides of the fence, both systems are flawed. Life is flawed, the word flawed is flawed.

Human umpires are flawed, sometimes in Daryl Harper’s case, it’s their main characteristic, others like Aleem Dar swan around the world without a single hair out of place looking perfect but still make the odd mistake.

The DRS is also flawed. Even more flawed when in the hands of Daryl Harper. Even when in the hands of a Dar it can go wrong, because the technology and ideology is flawed. At the moment the DRS is like a programming a VCR to record M.A.N.T.I.S. in 1994, on some occasions it will work perfectly, on otheres you end up watching half of M.A.N.T.I.S and half of Lorenzo Lamos’ renegade.

That DRS is generally better than humans is true, but that doesn’t make it so brilliant that it can end bar room fights and end the fighting on the West Bank.

We could have 3D cameras, hotspot could be updated to not show reflections or get tricked by stickers or Vaseline, snicko could be more trustworthy and the many machines that predict the ball’s path could get better.

Plus the human element could change.

Let’s be honest, by the time the technology of DRS is perfect, robots won’t need us anymore and we’ll end up in a war against them that we can only win by creating a bomb that will kill us all.  It will be the discussion of the bomb that replaces the DRS conversations.

The back foot no ball people

Richie Benaud still drones on about the back foot no ball like it was the pinnacle of all human fucking achievement. “That’s right, we went to the moon, invented breast augmentation suregery and came up with the back foot no ball rule, we’re pretty a talented species, indeed”.

The back foot no ball was good as the umpire could call it easier and earlier, in general there were less no balls bowled and everyone likes a sliding back foot.

It was also an advantage to be a taller bowler. As you’d be bowling from closer to the batsman and be that much quicker. The front foot no ball might be harder to police, difficult for bowlers to comply with and later for the batsman to hear, but everyone bowls from one place.

Cricket I get the feeling the people who are against the DRS are going the way of Richie Benaud, trapped in the cricket was better in my days.

The technology lovers

If the ball tracking systems are so good, why do Americans and Israelis still hit the odd hospital, huh, tell me that? And don’t tell me it’s on purpose you left pinky weirdo conspiracy nut job.

And, while you’re contemplating that, think about this, if it’s such a brilliant system, why does it completely crap it’s pants at 2.5 metres?

Don’t trust the 2.5 should the the slogan on the t shirts of the DRS opponents.


Oh, India are fucking the game again, look at them bending over cricket officials all around the world and sending hotspot cameras straight up their hotspots.

If the ICC really truly believed in DRS they could pay for it and make it mandatory. Boom, conspiracy over.

Then if the creator of hawk eye shows up dead we can start talking about how Sachin had them offed.

Global warming nut bags

It’s five degrees on a summer day; I told you global warming was bullshit.

It’s 40 degrees on a winter day; the apocalypse is here.

Sometimes DRS will work, sometimes it wont, just using individual cases is like saying, well I did meet a nice South African/NSWelshman/Pakistani cricket official once, so they must all be nice.


My head hurts, so just kill me now so I don’t have to hear one more conversation about it all.

Then simulate my demise with a computer program and argue over the exact cause of my death, or whether the computer simulation is being used properly and who should pay for it.

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21 thoughts on “Why all people who talk about (F)(U)DRS are idiots

  1. Ajesh says:

    Some comments like the one made by the eternally wise Mr. N. Srinivasan about the technology not being satisfactory unless it is made “100% accurate” just makes your head explode.

    Who on this planet knows what accurate is, let alone 100% accurate? Surely not Mr Srinivasan? Isn’t what the umpire doing in his head just a different version of HawkEye? And who’s to say the human is better than the computer at ball tracking? Humans invented HawkEye, so it can’t be too different to how we think, if anything it is more accurate because it is researched, simulated, consistent and is not distracted under any circumstances, Sreesanth included. It is not biased by the confidence of the appeal, or whether the batsman is Chris Martin, or Sachin Tendulkar.

    At times like these my heart goes out to one of my favourite players Damien Martyn, he might have had a much better end to his career had technology come to his aid against an ageing, trigger happy Steve Bucknor. Such examples give perspective as to how arrogant and ignorant these BCCI officials are.

    Also MS Dhoni said yesterday that he “would’ve been in the hotel by now” had all correct decisions been made. It’s called UDRS Mahi, use it, or just shut up.

  2. Crownish says:

    sooooo yay or nay?

  3. kny789 says:

    Now I’ve got the renegade theme music stuck in my head. Cheers jrod.

  4. George says:

    DRS for the monkeys. Taufel and Dar for cricket. Go BCCI

  5. @ Ajesh 1) what if 2 reviews are used up and then umpire make an howler? 2) what if batsman was batting out of the crease by 2.49 on a dying or bouncing pitch 3) why wasn’t Hotspot available in WC, heck, why there is no hotspot in other than UK/Australia and even it wasn’t for Aus-Pak or Eng-Pak (don’t know for sure) 4) What if umpire gave out but it clipped the stump, also, what if umpire gave not-out but it clipped the stump .. original decision stays anyway! 5) what is better Hawkeye or Virtualeye and why should we use one from another! Pros Cons. 6) Hotspot wasn’t accurate in many occasions in Sri-Eng series recently, but umpire gave out because it was clearer edge in slow motion. 7) Funding Issue? 8) Why is ICC considering UDRS as a ‘entertainment-value for viewers and not necessary component part of cricket? Because they want sponsorship on it?

    Don’t get BCCI wrong, they don’t want to live in Stone-Age, in fact, they won’t better and high-tech advanced system and SAME everywhere. Unless there is no objection, no-one is going to improve anything in system, and it will stay for many years to come.

    Shouldn’t we rather get better system on the first place!

  6. Sach says:

    Jrod, too bad, you already have yet another conversation about it. Do you want me to send you a gun?

  7. Ajesh says:

    1 – Well, 2 reviews per innings have almost always been enough, if you’re saying like Ian Chappell does all the time “Justice for some, but not others”, I’d much rather have justice for some atleast. You must understand that bad decisions reflect badly on the players, the umpires and the game itself.

    2 – Another important thing is that the UDRS is there to give the obvious decisions that have gone wrong, its not to argue to death the finer decisions but to declare with certainty over something that is blatantly wrong. It of course will improve with time, but it is surely good enough to use now.

    3 – Hotspot is very expensive ($6000 per day for the use of two cameras and $10000 for the use of four cameras) and can’t be used all the time unless the hosting cricket board is willing to pay up. The only ones that can easily afford to are the ECB, CA, and the BCCI. Hence it’s used in Australia and England, and the BCCI as we know are a bunch of (filthy rich) drongos.

    4 – That is actually one of the merits of the system, that the umpires judgement on close, fine decisions is actually preferred over what technology says.

    Look there are 2 main points to be taken out of this whole UDRS thing.

    1) The UDRS is predominantly for the blatant howlers, i.e. the ones that make the Indian cricket team and MS Dhoni look like a bunch of spoilt brats when they blame bad umpiring and hint out at conspiracy theories (Todays Times of India gives the impression that Indian cricketers feel that they are the preferiti of the cricket world)

    Even the best umpires are not prone to howlers, I was watching highlights of the 07 England tour where Simon Taufel made 2 howlers in a row preventing Tendulkar and Ganguly from scoring 100’s. However holy a man Tendulkar is, even he seemed pissed.

    2) Given time, any technology will improve, and obviously so will these. We don’t stop using technology just because there will be something better across the horizon, of course there will be. What we need to assess is whether the current level of technology fulfills our need satisfactorily, and I think it does.

  8. Ajesh says:

    **Even the best umpires are not immune to howlers

  9. Alvaro_FSS says:

    At least it gives Simon Hughes something to talk about in that converted kebab van…

  10. Lolly says:

    Andrew Hilditch should be subject to third umpire rulings and we get two reviews, he gets none.

  11. ©hinaman says:

    by the time the technology of DRS is perfect, robots won’t need us anymore

    By the time DRS technology is perfect, robots will be playing cricket themselves.
    And they will each be the perfect player.
    With no human frailties.

  12. The system has succeeded in doing what it was designed to do – ensure that umpires make fewer shit decisions. Not no shit decisions but a hell of a lot fewer.

    Watching the DRSless India-Windies series, I wasn’t overwhelmed with a longing for the gold old days. It actually just felt a little bit backward.

  13. @ Ajesh I think you very much answered why there is no UDRS for India’s game. No, two reviews/inning aren’t enough, the recent example we just in Indi-WI, Kohli, MSD, Raina and Bhaj’s wicket’s decisions were wrong in an inning. We all know how many decisions were given wrong in Aus-Ind in Aus. So, 2 reviews aren’t enough. Even in Pak-WI, there were several occasions they really needed an extra review.

    Why doesn’t ICC want pay for it? I hope you don’t think that ICC doesn’t have their own $ they have lots of $, and since they decide on FTP, then why not pay for it?

    Hotspot charging this much is another issue I have, what is the guarantee they won’t raise their equipment price in future years! Since they have ‘so called rights reserved’ !!!

    And Why shouldn’t MSD complain about Harper!!! He has HUGE history for bad decisions, why was he appointed on the first place, where there is no test series going on, other than that!! Why is Harper STILL in elite panel? Asauf Rauf, Aleem Dar, S. Taufel !! ? Where are they? The reason why Bucknor umpired in Ind-Aus series should tell us, what is wrong with ICC and their intentions, despite India having huge history with Bucknor.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am Pro-Tech., lot of decisions can be easily made within less than 15 sec. just from instant tv replay, without specific software involved like UDRS has, for that you have to wait for longer. Howlers can be easily dealt with proper rulings and usage of tech that is already available. The current situation of UDRS doesn’t provide that. So, FUDRS it is then.

  14. Deep Cower says:

    Clearly the best way forward is to play in the nude. This eliminates most other sources of noise – the ball hitting the thigh pad, the bat hitting the boot etc.

    The only sound would be the “tonk” of Mitchell Johnson’s bat hitting the ball and the “plop” of his johnson hitting his balls.

    Its a simple world, yes.

  15. Dev says:

    When they hit a hospital they do it deliberately. They just don’t realise it is a hospital.

  16. Sach says:

    @Deep Cower
    It has been done before;

  17. Jayne says:

    And at 0.41 of this

  18. Sidthegnome says:

    I’m with Lolly, let’s use it on the whole Australian NSP. Then they might do something half decent for a change.

    But yes, this bullshit about it being no good unless its 100% accurate just drives me barmy. What is 100% accurate anyway? What a stupid argument.

  19. Matt says:

    Eat more Cheese

  20. Zaheer says:

    Looking at the positive results of UDRS, infact there is no need of discussion on it, but a special type of a nation knowns as Indians are considering themselves super then others human being, thats why they are against this system while all other cricket playing nations are in favour of it. First of all we need to correct the minds of these so called super humen beings so that ICC can implement this system.

  21. simonShep says:

    Enjoyed this. One point –

    ‘Smart’ weapons hitting hostpitals has nothing to do with errors in targeting and neither is it a conspiracy by the mythical neo-con wannabe abrahamic nazis who some claim run all our governments. They are a failure in intelligence. A cock up in the info provided to the smart weapons which are pretty much as accurate as claimed.

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