India are world champions for eternity: even American Christians love India

The world will end tomorrow, or today, or a few days ago depending on when you read this (that’s a trick line, because you’ll already be dead).

It’s rapture time. Or as these particular weird fucked up group of bible masturbators say, “Blow the trumpet, warn the people!” Which sounds like you are warning people before you fellate them.

The nut in charge has predicted the coming of a second Jesus before, and got it wrong. So he’s due.

And what does this mean?

The Christian Fundamentalist God loves India.

Perhaps because of Sachin, or even Sehwagology. Perhaps God was holding off hoping Americans would stop fighting over birth certificates and creating laugh track TV shows long enough to become the best team in the world, and when he saw that wouldn’t happen, he merely picked the new America, India.

We’ll never know for sure, as we aint going upstairs to get a meeting with the Male Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist God. We’re all dirty sinners here; you’re probably masturbating right now, or applying peanut butter and calling your dog.

While you do that, God has chosen the first time in human history that India are the best side in cricket to end the world. Perhaps Sehwag’s batting really did cause the apocalypse?

After May 21 they may not be. Players retire, get injured, lose form or sleep with the coach’s wife, but right now India are the best, and they’re going out as number one.

Sure, we may be able to play cricket in hell, but you just know they’ll be nothing in the pitches for bowlers. And can cricket really survive with a fourth version of cricket, Dante cricket?

Ofcourse, cricket (and less so the world) ending now is not all good news.

We’ll never Simon Katich knife Michael Clarke after he runs him out.

The Hashim Amla sex tapes will remain unwatched.

Runako Morton will never scream can you dig it at a baying crowd of street thugs in matching outfits in his unofficial role as king of the gangs.

The leader of the UN will never be Kumar Sangakkara, and he’ll never be rich enough to own the rights to the back catalogue of Billy Ocean or Hank Williams.

The cyborg that Martin Crowe created (just because he had a spare Sunday afternoon) to hold his brain will never get a chance to take 5000 test wickets.

It’s a shame because the world would have loved Mushtafiqur Rahim’s novelty dub hit, “I should be so Lucky”.

Salman Butt doesn’t have the chance to find Jesus, become popular on a celebrity dancing show or rebuild his name by getting cancer.

England will never get a chance to see Graeme Swann hosting retro 1950s game shows.

It ends all hopes that Kevin O’Brien did of doing something that people remember him by without stupid hair.

And the UDRS will always remain shit.

What will happen is that India will remain the eternal champions of the world as we all burn in the Christian Fundamentalist Hell.

The real shame is not that we’ll miss the stuff above or that India are number 1 for ever (which isn’t a shame if you’re Indian, although you’ll be in hell, so hard to celebrate too much) it’s that we all know Tony Greig will be down there commenting on all our torture. Blow by blow. Getting the details wrong, calling Sri Lankans little, talking about the broad shoulders of some blonde 19 year old, and generally making hell, hell.

Sehwagology saves.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

17 thoughts on “India are world champions for eternity: even American Christians love India

  1. I’m speechless…feel like I should comment, but I have no idea what to say or feel…. :P

  2. George says:

    piece!

    now asking for a favor jarrod. if there is any way you can tell danny morrison that the bricktop reference was not lost entirely even though warne looked bemused. i’m not into social networking and perhaps ur fame can get you through to him easier. i am certain the message will be a tremendous boost to him. i will post you an ‘i owe you’ slip if you do so.

  3. Zaheer says:

    If we could extend for 2 months India will also not remain the number 1, because it is fact that Indians are tigers on their home, and in upcoming series with so called weak team of west Indies India will go down.

  4. sidd says:

    ^^ this guy needs to be saved :P

  5. father of the goat says:

    @Zaheer,

    Surely the “pure” shall celebrate the dethroning of the “na paaks”. And then, the “pure” shall ride flying horses with talking human heads and pigeon wings and take a ride to the heaven with all the houris!

  6. Actually, the whole ‘rapture’ thing doesn’t work quite like that (I live in the states, and am bloody surrounded by it). Basically, all the fundies will randomly disappear, leaving their clothes and all their stuff behind; the rest of us just stay put, and things start going to shit (which probably won’t be particularly noticeable).

    So the only effect on the cricket that I can discern is that the Saffas will have to do without AB DeVilliers in the upcoming Test season (which leads me to believe that Hansie Cronjé was behind the decision to move the rapture up like this).

  7. well the next team to dominate cricket after australia is surely india. They have got all the ingredients to be the perfect no.1 dish in cricket. and while people may call them champs at home well they are champs at home but not lambs abroad with India having won test matches in every country in recent times including south africa and australia.

  8. Beggy G says:

    How in hell do you know about my dog?

  9. Jayne says:

    Wonders if the Saffas may also have to do without Johan Botha . . .

  10. Jayne says:

    BTW Elise – Best. Post. Ever. From someone who lives in Florida, and has seen billboards (advertising hoardings to some of you) proclaiming today’s rapture.

    Lucid explanation as well. It was always one of those Fundamentalist Protestant things I’ve been vaguely aware of, like the Prayer Closet.

  11. MP says:

    JRod,
    Do you have statistics of how many of your commenters actually “get” what your post is about? Looks like a vast majority don’t even have a clue.
    You are deep man – many times I realize that I have to wait till the last statement to understand what the whole point is. I don’t get it many times until I re-read a couple times over.
    MP

  12. Jayne,

    Thanks. I’d been saving up that DeVilliers/Cronjé joke ever since the rescheduled rapture date was announced. This was pretty much the only place I could think of where there would be any chance of anyone getting it (at least, without my first explaining who AB DeVilliers is, what a Saffa is, why AB DeVilliers would disappear in the event of a rapture, what a Test season is, why Hansie might somehow be associated with things rapturous, and why he might have an interest in rapturing away one of the Saffas’ top batsmen, which would then require me to explain what a batsman is…you see the problem). Fortunately, JRod posted something connecting The Rapture and the cricket, and the gap was found. :)

    A mate of mine has actually suggested spending the week after 21 May ringing random fundie organisations just so ask: ‘So you lot are still there then? What’dye make of that?’ An idea I consider utterly inspired.

  13. Alvaro_FSS says:

    Eddie Hemmings will be performing “House of Jealous Lovers” in honour of the Rapture in the regional heats of Britain’s Got McIntyre on Tuesday. Please go along and give him a weiner.

  14. George says:

    MP,
    True, we are all cutlets and have no clue whats goin on. It’s so awesome that you are giving perspective to jarrods depth.

  15. kaprashoo says:

    inndiaaaa indiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being number ones is hell for you imperialist pigs so i be thinking the world has already ending. what what.

    we’re here, we’re brown
    on you bums we will go to town

    thank you please.

  16. yenjvoy says:

    God wanted to win a world cup before ending this world. Having won the cup, there is no reason for God to delay the apocalypse.

  17. judev says:

    Hey, kaprashoo that’s hilarious. But just in case you were being serious, i think you’ll find that most people who are descended from the imperialist pigs aren’t really bothered. In fact, most of the ones I know wish India and us Indians well – although too much triumphalist bleating does tend to drain the bath of its goodwill suds. It was the same when the boot was on the other foot so we know what I’m talking about.

Comments are closed.