What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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23 thoughts on “What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

  1. Shairani says:

    Afridi would definitely be waiting for the results of this survey post!

    p.s. Hopefully you’re a bit familiar with the racist jokes we they make reg Pathans and their sexuality!

  2. will we see more of these kind of posts at SPIN??

  3. Scribe says:

    It’s amazing how little there is to turn gay for in the English Cricket Team. Even the attractive ones are only conventionally god looking an therfore for woman, and not anorack-cricket-blog-fucking suitable.

    I suppose it might be nice to punish Pieterson, maybe gag Swann. But Cook Strauss Trott an Bell? It’d just be so fucking conventional, specially Anderson.

    • jrod says:

      Scribe, no, I just obviously forgot. Broad – if you like Aryan specimens, Anderson if you like pin ups and Davies because it’s easier.

  4. Scribe says:

    Ah well, I agree’d with your forgetting then. I suppose aryan lovers would like a bit of Broad, but I don’t think Davies would stoop to our level.

    Anderson? Naaaaaaaaah, dare i say it, probably miss the spot. I was being serious, imagine the mind numbing monotony of waking up next to Strauss everymorning. I’ll have to find a gay an ask him but I reckon the english cricket teams not got that kinda icon in it, hopefully do well this summer though.

  5. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    You don’t have to turn gay for Broad /lame arse running gag
    I’m surprised Sehwag isn’t on the list
    Well if you talk about English ladies then sure Isa Guha is ahead of Claire?

  6. Jayne says:

    Well, seeing as your readership is possibly mostly male, and that you predominantly write about male cricket, I suppose this is the, erm, position to take.

    Over on Knit Before Wicket on Ravelry.com we appear to be (so far) all women, and mostly (no one has come out yet) heterosexual. So we can just conventionally perve on male cricketers.

    Have you heard of “the list”? Meaning (from the version I heard) a list containing two people who, if you had the opportunity, you would want your partner to allow you to shag, no questions asked, no recriminations. As, for (straight) men, this list usually includes someone like Angelina Jolie and, for (straight) women, it includes someone like Brad Pitt, the likelihood of you ever having the opportunity is almost nil.

    If I took the approach of “the list” restricted only to cricketers, I’d have to think about it. I wonder if any of the women who read this blog have their own favourites.

    Did you have to mention Afridi again? I fell like I have to wash.

  7. nick says:

    Shane Bond or Ryder lol

  8. golandaaz says:

    you need a “straight posts only” interface man…

  9. Kim says:

    I’d turn gay for Afridi, definitely. I’d also do Cook, Mitchell, and even (the shame) Watson given the chance. You wouldn’t get much intelligent conversation from any of them but can you imagine the raw passion? Oh wait, I’m a woman, perhaps my perspective is skewed :)

  10. Howe_zat says:

    Nick – Shane Bond wouldn’t be able to cope with the strain.

    Dan Vettori would be good. I have a liking for geeks.

  11. Alvaro_FSS says:

    Eddie Hemmings

    It’s also nice that the title of the post appropriately suggests all cricketers are objects…

  12. Me says:

    Sat behind two gentlemen at the Oval once and overheard a fascinating debate as to whether they would rather be ‘Mrs Flintoff or Mrs Pietersen’.

  13. Deep Cower says:

    “tsunami of sex juice” is perhaps the most inventive phrase written.

  14. kaprashoo says:

    i can’t decide whether i’m furious that tendulkar made this list or that sehwg didn’t. either way, you racist bugger.

    bet viru would be quick. wham bam thank you kap. but he looks as if he’d be diseased the dirty bastard.

  15. Jayne says:

    Can I be the first person to note the absence of Shoaib Akhtar from this list.

    Thank you.

    PS to Kim – yeah, I don’t know why but I also find Afridi sexy. I think Sachin is attractive, but I’d tower over him by four inches. I also find Freddie, Collingwood and Mike Hussey quite attractive.

  16. It would have to be Jesse Ryder, just to get to go on the lash with him.

  17. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Jayne, apart from Colly, that’s a near complete list of players that would make me throw up, only Kallis and Ponting missing

  18. Kim says:

    Agree with Wes and Jayne about Kallis, Ponting & Ahktar. I could give Dhoni a run for his money, though, if it was a particularly quiet weekend. As for the question of whether to be Mrs KP or Mrs Freddie, I would go for KP, even though he’d hog the bathroom mirror in the morning and probably use up all your hair gel.

  19. ceci says:

    Kim and Jayne – I’ll see your Colly and Cook and raise you a Vikram Solanki and Kumar Sangakkara

  20. The Mufti of Tufnell Park says:

    I now know which cricket blogger I’d be gay for. Even if some times I did have to slap him in the face for his grammar mistakes.

  21. Beggy G says:

    What’s wrong with you all? IOB must be on this list! All that blowin’ (in(to) the wind). And to stray from the analogy a bit, everyone loves a bit of romance from time to time – whether gay, straight or brindle.

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