Things we need to get over about the IPL

Strategic ad breaks. They suck. And they are one of the most thinly veiled pieces of ‘we think you’re all idiots’ you’ll ever find.  Ofcourse we could just think of them as alcohol, breaks or masturbation/self fellating breaks.

Product placement cricket phrases. They’re annoying, but if you use them in the bed room, they become sexy. “That’s a C.L.I.T Hotspot alright. A big one.”

Danny Morrison. “Wowee. What an amazing bowl of cereal, I’ve never seen a bowl of Cereal like this, it’s the most impressive bowl of cereal you will ever see. What a a huge bowl of cereal. The bowl of cereal creators have outdone themseleves again.  This cereal is mega. Cereal will never be the same again.”  Or any commentator really.  If Indian and Australian cricket commentary is North Korean, then the IPL commentators are 1940’s Japanese Suicide pilots flying straight into your inner ear canal.  Imagine every overly positive comment is about a shit the commentators just had and the commentary is quite enjoyable.

Not knowing who to support. If you’re not from one of the cities involved, picking a side is not that easy.  One day that might change, but for now, enjoy the fact you’re essentially a cricket team whore. Fuck them all, a different one every day, sometimes two, squeeze the juice out of all of them. One day you’ll have to settle down with just one, but there is no rush.

Bollywood stars being involved. Sure, it’s annoying, but they didn’t invent this shit. Hollywood stars are shown at Knicks and Lakers games and Jay Z owns 0.00000008 percent of the New Jersey Nets.  Even at the cricket Mick Jagger and Russell Crowe turn up.  Getting special permission to go on air and be taken seriously.  The good news is when they do this you can mock them and feel superior as your cricket knowledge is better than theirs.

T20 is shit cricket. It’s not exactly a new revelation, no one was expecting a Chekhov play.  They hit the ball hard and bowl one over spells.  It finishes quickly, too, so you can always go back and watch your old DVDs of classic tests.

Redefining the word podcast. Something isn’t a podcast just because you say so. A podcast (or non-streamed webcast) is a series of digital media files (either audio or video) that are released episodically and often downloaded through web syndication. What the IPL are doing is interviews. They’re not new andit’s ok to call them what they are. You can flash a torch on your dick, but it doesn’t make it a light sabre. The good news is you can laugh at the IPL’s effort to try and modernize something with a word they don’t understand. At least it isn’t an iBat.

It’s only about money. Unlike all other forms of cricket that are purely for the love of the game.

The Go the Chargers song. Go the Chargers, no, go and kill the person who wrote this song. Then find their family, take them down too.  Then any neighbours. Or anyone who has ever met them. Also their pets. Then do the same for anyone involved in the recording of the song.  Even if they just turned up at the recording studio a week earlier to deliver a pizza, they need to be killed. This is the only thing that you can’t enjoy about the world cup. Unless you enjoy murder and this gives you a chance to finally do what you’ve always wanted.

All of these problems can also be avoided with your remote.

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21 thoughts on “Things we need to get over about the IPL

  1. kny789 says:

    That’s a crap load of pent up anger, how long has it been waiting to come out?

    I agree with every single point though. Danny Morrison deserves to hang for taking product placement to a new level.

  2. flip says:

    they are all cuntoids! imagine calling some lame thing like that dugout interview a podcast! why and how do these things get cleared by “management”?

  3. ospriet says:

    don’t forget matt smith and the annoying indian lady who seems to know very little about cricket and asks unbelievably banal questions.

    i think the main positive of the ipl so far has beeen dimi mascarenhas. legend.

  4. Rowan says:

    You can flash a torch on your dick, but it doesn’t make it a light sabre.

    I should not have been drinking coffee when I read this line. You very nearly owed me a new laptop screen.

  5. Jayne says:

    I’m not fond of the remark about pets, especially as I’ve heard that Howe_zat has just lost his kitty.

  6. Prod says:

    Half man half lion Malinga bowls first maiden to Sehwag in shortened forms of cricket for 10 years.

  7. Howe zat says:

    Jayne, thanks for your concern but if there’s anything likely to take my mind of it and cheer me up, Jarrod ranting is a good place to start.

    We can’t let my miserable few days knock Jrod off his mojo, and I’m pretty sure he’s offended me several times already without me noticing (perhaps physically).

  8. phaty says:

    “self fellating breaks” is at least the “word” of the week!

  9. MartDawg says:

    I agree with a lot of this, but if you shine a torch on your dick it definitely does make it a light sabre. Can’t fathom why you’d think otherwise.

  10. Now that was worth it just for the nugget of Yoda wisdom that you dispersed Jrod.

    But have you heard of these radium infused prophylactics?


  11. Jayne says:

    I am in broad agreement with this rant, and as an American I grew up with crap, hype and crass commercialisation surrounding almost all professional sport. It has gotten worse over time, though.

    T20 in the IPL “package” brings to cricket almost everything I wanted to leave behind when I largely abandoned watching American professional sport to pay attention to F1, MotoGP and, yes, cricket.

    Take care Howe . . .

  12. Jayne says:

    Not that F1 isn’t a crass, commercial soap opera . . .

  13. Sach says:

    I usually resort to the last option.

  14. Pete says:

    what’s with the filming of fat cricketing digitaries

  15. Pete says:

    oh yeah and the correct word is autofellatio

  16. Beggyg says:

    I checked and I’m sorry I doubted you. Even if I squint, it looks more like some sort of glowworm, all wrinkly and small. Or is that just me?

  17. nick says:

    most of the gorunds r not even half filled like last 3 years. thts wht happens when u take ppl fo granted. bcci thought india is crazy cricket country so it wont matter if we keep ipl right after the wc

  18. Matt says:

    When I Shine a torch on my old fella it looks like Hans Moleman, freshly awoken, dazed and squinting

    Will try again later, when it is in its altered state I shall heretofore call Mans holeman

  19. Mike says:

    Give the IPL some credit. A full two rounds of games and we’re yet to see a dog on the pitch. Could be the uniforms keeping the canines at bay.

  20. Pras says:

    Hey, the strategic ‘ad-breaks’ can destroy a team’s positive momentum and impart negativity.

    And don’t knock Danny Morrison. His childlike enthusiasm reminds me of you, Uncle.

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