Rehman stops the fix with one press statement from hell

Too often in the past with small matches like most world cup semi finals, players just spot and match fixed their asses off.

They know by that stage in the tournament no one is really watching so they can get away with all sorts of shit.

In the past I’ve assumed Kenya, Sri Lanka, South Africa and New Zealand spot fixed blatantly in world cup semi finals, the problem was, no on was keeping a close watch.

This is the perfect time to fix a match, because who is going to be watching the semi finals of the world cup closely? Especially a boring game between India and Pakistan.

I suppose most of us cricket sadists and tragics will follow the scores casually, but very few will watch it.

Before I felt guilty about the possibility that I’d forget the game was on altogether, only to check the newspapers the next day and see the score.

Now I don’t, because Rehman Malik has his eye on this one and his eye is all seeing and magnificent and super genetically modified and carbon based.

“I gave them a warning yesterday that there should be no match-fixing. I am keeping a close watch. If any such thing happens, we are going to take action,”

The problem is, I don’t really want to have to watch either of the semi finals, who has the time, or for that matter, the final, but it is important to me as a cricket fan that no fixing of any kind is going on.

So, Rehman, if you’re upto it, the whole world is going to ignore the last three games and just take your word for it that everything goes clean.

Oh, but I’m also worried that the teams won’t prepare well, my team isn’t playing, and I won’t be watching, but it would pain me if the players weren’t well prepared.

“They should concentrate on their practice and must go to bed early. They should ensure discipline and rise up according to their schedule.”

That’s a weight off my shoulder.  Jesse likes the night light kept on, and Yuvraj can’t eat after 10 because he gets nightmares.

So they’re in bed, but what about their phones. I mean who the hell is Upul Tharanga talking to, it’s probably some sexual predator who likes the less exciting opening partner.  Can you help out there as well, Rehman?

“I should not have revealed but we keep an eye on people who meet our players, with whom they talk by telephone.”

Phew.

Well, dude, I think you’ve got this covered.

Oh, just one last one, can you end corruption in cricket while you have a few spare minutes?

“If you want to stamp out corruption in cricket, the simple law of the world is crime should not pay,”

There is genius in that, Rehman, thanks for fixing world cricket one press statement at a time.

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10 thoughts on “Rehman stops the fix with one press statement from hell

  1. This is easily the best take on Malik’s statement! :)

  2. Maula Jutt says:

    And this is why we love you JROD. <3 Rehman, is such an a hole even a holes get embarrassed of his a holeness. It's like they got a tailor made attention slut to do the job for the interior ministry. They should keep the next match in his a hole. He will ensure it isn't spot fixed.

  3. The possibility that Upul Tharanga is being groomed by some pervert on the internet had not occurred to me before, I must admit. Match fixing is so 2010, but is this the new threat that will destroy cricket?

  4. Rishabh says:

    Hey, that’s how Chuck Norris would stop match-fixing.

  5. Alisa says:

    there you go Mr. Malik…. Thanks jrod for explaining it all to Rehman-Ass-Malik ! :)

  6. Rohan says:

    Would dropping two sitters from Tendulkar count, or is that the sort of thing that slips under the radar?

  7. Rohan says:

    Make that four. Counting only the Tendulkar drops, that is.

    What sublime bowling by the Pakistanis, though. They still managed to restrict India.

  8. yenjvoy says:

    JRod, more remarkable even is that most of these are love marraiges (unlike the normal trend of ‘arranged’ marriages in India).

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