Cricket’s Choke’O’meter

It seems that no one in this world cup is that good.

Every couple of days a major team puts in a shocker. Somehow there is only one team left who hasn’t lost, and I don’t think that will last either.

So we all need a system to tell if your team has lost, or choked.

I’ve devised this one, and by putting your answers in, you can tell once and for all if a team has choked.

Being that I’m just throwing shit up against a wall, this might have some flaws, However, when used correctly, it could work. Maybe.

Was the team in a position to win?

1. Not really, in fact, they were barely in the game.
2. Sure, but not even Ravi Shastri was excited.
3. The fans were cocky, and rightfully so.
4. Fat ladies were singing, women were moist, men were hard, and people were getting naked and pouring champagne into any orifice they could.

Where there mitigating factors?

1. Shit was going on like crazy, like in Nam.
2. It was like a party at Chris Lewis’s house.
3. There were factors, but they were hardly mitigating.
4. It was calmer than a BBQ at Michael Hussey’s house.

What level was the collapse?

1. More like a trip than a fall.
2. A sudden drop that would require oxygen masks.
3. The part in the monster film when the monster falls down.
4. Yao Ming falling off the empire state building.

How much pressure?

1. Like Miss Daisy chirping at you.
2. Similar to asking Steve Waugh a controversial question.
3. There was as much pressure as the time I tried to get my foreskin out of the zipper it was stuck in without losing it all.
4. You’ve just realised you’ve picked up Majeed’s jacket by accident and you’ve noticed a dude filming you.

How good were the opposition?

1. They had one guy that could cure cancer by the way he played.
2. They had it going on, like they sing about, but it wasn’t perfect.
3. They were ok, but they shouldn’t have won.
4. Could have been beaten by putting your lips together and blowing.

How important was the match?

1. I wouldn’t cut off anything to win it.
2. I’d sacrifice my little toe to win it.
3. I’d cut off my wanking arm to win it.
4. I’d cut off my cock/clit/nipples to win it.

Add up your totals.

If the total was 6-10, the best team on the day won, or other such clichés.
If the total was 10-15, the team was a bit shit, it doesn’t mean they choked.
If the total was 15-20, it was a non-lethal choke, but they felt it around their neck when it mattered.
If the total was 20-24, an auto-erotic asphyxiation that went wrong.

I can only hope that this system ends up in cricket bars across the world, just so it can be used and abused.

Now, try a bit of chuck fleetwood-smiths.

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7 thoughts on “Cricket’s Choke’O’meter

  1. Suprise says:

    Thank you India, that was the best double choke ever.

  2. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:


    1.) The last answer is obviously always #1, unless you are locked away somewhere under medication so heavy that you aren’t able to answer this questionnaire anyway.

    2.) Question 4: in case of a lack of foreskin (woman and/or Muslim/Jew/American/Australian born in the 60s, and so on) answer #3 is not an option.

    Problem 1 makes this checklist unfeasible.
    If Problem 1 didn’t exist, the checklist would be feasible only to a certain number of your readers, perhaps even a minority (see problem 2).

    3.) Indirect problem with question 4: people might be inclined to always pick option “Jacketboy”, no matter what the question is. It’s a bit like these player ratings at Cricinfo, where certain players will always get top ratings, even if they go out for a golden, drop 70 catches and remain wicketless at 6.50 on a 180 par pitch; in one and the same match.

    So, some alternatives need to be given ;)

  3. Yup….I think it is time for South Africa to hand over the ‘chokers’ tag to either England or India (after all, they did tie their game!)

  4. Satsumouth says:

    I would cut off my mum’s nipples using Doug Bollinger’s winkle not to have missed that game.

  5. Brilliant,
    One-day I will sit and count the points for the games I remember. at least worth doing it for WC matches.

  6. Alchemist says:

    The fun has still to star. I am looking forward to have decent matches now.

  7. rmt1982 says:

    I’ve got the South Africans today at a rating of 17 on that scale. I’d say thats right.

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