Kamran Akmal is winning

You may not believe this, but between innings I managed to fly to Sri Lanka, convince that security at the ground that I only speak English, walk out on the ground, get several key reporters to give me a press pass and interview Kamran Akmal as he came off.

Kamran, it’s Jrod from cricket with balls, can we have a quick chat?

We need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.

Cool, how do you feel about missing those three chances?

If you think about it, dude, it’s like I’m 0 for 3 with catches, with never an excuse, but like in cricket, the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is a catchof the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this fielding with a shameful catch is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

Good point. What do you say to those who think you should be dropped?

I am on a drug, it’s called Kamran Akmal!

Some people are going to accuse you of match fixing out there.

I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just deliverying the goods at every frickin’ turn, because, look what I’m dealing with’ man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and it’s just, you know it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns.

OK, but some people are going to accuse you of performing badly for cash?

I have one speed, one gear. I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.

Nice Imran Khan reference, but are you saying you took money?

I don’t buy it. I don’t agree with it, I don’t trust it, I don’t care about it, I don’t ever want to hear those words put together again. What it was isn’t what you thought it is because it is what it is, because you claim so, because you confirm it, because you insist that it is what it is and therefore it ain’t what it ain’t. It ain’t what it ain’t, which is gold and winning and magic, because that’s how I roll. It is what it is, and your stupid, boring contaminated world because you allowed it.

Are you shit or a cheat?

I’m burning my own face but I can’t feel the fucken heat because I don’t feel fucken pain because pain is a fucken myth.

Thanks for nothing you shitty keeping fucktard.

What’s not to love? It’s MY life. Winning!

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19 thoughts on “Kamran Akmal is winning

  1. Rishabh says:

    C’mon, Charlie Sheen jokes are past their expiry date now that he’s fired!

  2. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    He is obviously paying the selectors to keep his spot in the team. Where is he supposed to take these enormous sums from? See, vicious circle. Pak are stuck with him for all eternity.

  3. Esther Vest says:

    Kamran can never be accused of utter incompetence with complete certainty. That is his genius.

  4. Rishabh says:

    Well, we knew he was fired already, but it was made official yesterday.

  5. han says:

    You just saw a typical Pakistani collapse. You probably felt that gutted and heart wrenching feeling exponentially growing with every fall of a Pakistani wicket within unbelievably short intervals in what has to be record breaking speed. After the ravaging, you’ll start taking cold showers in an attempt to wash away the embarrassment and humiliation but it will be useless. As you sit naked in your tub with the water running and a sponge stuffed in your mouth so nobody can hear you cry profusely, you’ll realize that this is part of what it means to be Pakistani. To witness a Pakistani collapse. Thanks for watching! Pakistan Zindabad.

  6. Krishna says:

    Today’s match was horrific. The last 6 overs of the Kiwi innings I think was partly due to the security Kamran Akmal offered to the Kiwi batsmen — “Go ahead my friend– will drop and fumble anything that comes my way”. I referred to it as “sub-continental hospitality” in my blogpost. Coming to think of it, Akhtar helped him too !

  7. ospriet says:

    fucking rofl’ed!

  8. Normally a collapse happens when the team has a bat in their hand. It’s a rare and beautiful thing to see a team fold when they are bowling.

  9. Rishabh says:

    Nah, my post was three days ago when he was still talking… and the Sheen reference had a very minor part in it. But I get your point!

  10. hmm…tiger blood affects keeping skills….who knew?

  11. Suprise says:

    That’s a very nice piece, well done.

    I’m not laughing though cause never have I been so sure that something is seriously fucked up with Pakistan for that guy to be in the team. Yeah I know it’s Pakistan but where’s the fucking talent.

    I was half expecting Shahid to bite the fucking ball just to divert attention away from that little alibaba.

  12. BenSix says:

    Hey, at least he clung on to Razzaq’s wides. If he’d bowled them any further down the off side they’d have hit leg stump.

  13. Kamran Akmal says:

    Any aussie has birthday on 19th march?

  14. wolf says:

    Had he taken those catches would he have been approached by faceless gentlemen and end up legging it to England in the middle of the night?

    Just saying what a lot of us are thinking…

    However, after seeing him fail time and time again there is an outside chance he is worse under pressure than Collingwood.

  15. Yasir says:

    Behind every successful batsman is a Kamran Akmal..

  16. Wolf, along with getting about 150 chances each to keep their places in their teams, you have stumbled across another comparison between Kamran and Collingwood.

    The only difference being, that I would have more confidence in Collingwood disappearing after the tournament, Kamran will probably get more chances.

  17. jogesh99 says:

    Are you shit or a cheat?

    Both of course – incredibly incompetent and incredibly corrupt. Recall the Intiqab Alam report after the Australia series.
    Shit, a cheat, and a shit for being a cheat.

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