The joy of biff: The Rizwan Cheema story

I know little about Rizwan Cheema, and I like it that way. When he almost got picked in the IPL three, I mentioned him, and when I look at a Canadian scorecard I now look for his name first, even before John Davison.

For all I know Cheema was reared by cavemen in the Canadian rockies who had carvings of Shahid Afridi and Inzi on their walls, fed him uncooked moose meat, and beat him everytime he played straight.

If that is true, it would be cool, it’s far more likely that he is from a Pakistani family who emigrated to Canadia and played a bunch of club cricket where he slogged across the line because it was Canadian Club (they should be the sponsor) Cricket.

His origin story is not that important, what is important is that by definition he is a dirty slogger.

His natural shot is over straight midwicket, dirty, slutty, disguting, slappy, assy slogging.

It’s almost perfect.

Just someone humping the ball as hard as he can, body in the wrong position, head in the sky and mind on sixes.

Slogging is not ugly, it’s desperation and masculinity.

Cheema is the perfect representation of this.

When Cheema plays a straight drive it feels wrong, like a big hitting boxer who jabs too much.

I don’t want to know about him, I just wanna see him slog.

Big ugly beautiful hits across the line, that’s all I want from him.

When I’m watching a boring game, I want him to come in, no matter what the side is, just for him to hump across the line and liven up my life.

International cricket and humanity as a whole needs more slog, more club cricketers who hit the ball hard without really trying to look correct.

Cheema’s slogs may look like anyone could play them, but when he does he could feed the poor, cure aids and hit sixes of medium fast bowlers.

How can that be ugly?

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8 thoughts on “The joy of biff: The Rizwan Cheema story

  1. Oddly enough you have the details of his early life almost entirely correct- it was I believe elk meat, and the pictures were in fact of big Jim Smith, the greatest of all sloggers

  2. amsterdam says:

    you sound like you’re in love after a one night stand.

  3. I can never tell the difference from moose and elk either! Anhow, you’re both wrong it was rare caribou meat and the pictures were of nineteenth century Canadian cricketer Frank “slogger” Harley. But if you’d have read “A History of Canadian Cricket: An immigrant’s game?” You’d have known that!

  4. J says:

    Loved your description of growing up as caveman.lmao

  5. Deep Cower says:

    Rizwan Cheema is the love child of Mohinder Amarnath and Mudasser Nazar.

    True Story.

  6. @Deep Cower, Saurav Ganguly said he looked like a combination of Shoaib Akhtar and Andrew Symonds. Going by the way he bats, it’s more believable

  7. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Oh you’ve realised that you inflated the John Davison cult a little ^^, so yeah not a bad idea to look for a better prospect. Cheema can be a pain in the arse for the opposition and is probably their best bat, however, I like the Canadian approach to this tournament in general, they’re breathing easy through the pants.

  8. LowKey says:

    Why is Dirty Dirk not in India as Australian,Dutch or both? Surely they shouldn’t ignore everyones favourite hirsute, alpine skiing, saxophonist.

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