Why England’s secret means they will win the world cup

All the teams, bar one, have the wrong preparation for the world cup.

India’s winning it for Sachin attitude and a causal flirtation with Sehwagology won’t win it. Imran Tahir’s alice band can’t do it. Angelo Mathews smooth skin is not enough. Pakistan’s puppy dog excitement and ball biting will be found out. New Zealand haven’t entered a side. Australia have lost their one man middle order. And the Windies have some sweet honey to drip on DJ Sammy, but honey is not enough in a world cup.

No, The only team who has the secret to winning the world cup is England, and that is because Andrew Strauss has read the secret.

Yes that cringe-worthy Melbournian recycled positive speak psycho bullshit book about drawing what you want to do and then having the god of the middle class universe deliver it to you.

The great thing about the secret is you don’t have to ask for world peace or the end of aids, those poor and sick people deserve it, just ask for a new bike, ipad or a world cup.

This is what Andrew Strauss has done.

Before the ashes he drew a picture of the Ashes, and then he won them. Now he has drawn the world cup and is just waiting for the victory to be delivered to him.

Sure, you’re a sceptic, you’ve heard some whiny loser telling you about how they whited out their bank balance and then made millions of dollars because of the secret. Then a few days later you saw them eating an aborted foetus from out the back of a family planning clinic a few days later.

You also saw the far more disgusting scene of Australia’s play in the Ashes making the secret’s secret largely redundant.

But, England only won the Ashes because they used the Secret (I know, another bloody Australian coach) to ask, believe and receive.

Look at England’s recent history and you’ll know they’re all over this secret stuff.

The secret tells you to avoid contact with fatties, bye bye Samit Fatel.

The secret tells you that people who are sick bring it on their self, how are the cramps Owais.

The secret tells you to follow the previous masters of the secret, like bloody Bobby Simpson.

I know that on the face of it England looks like a scrambling team that has no real idea how to put together a one day side for the world cup. Their wicketkeeping conveyor belt is confusing. Their batting in the middle overs is useless. And they have a new opener every 15 minutes. But, any team that knows how to harness the amazing power of the laws of attraction cannot be beaten by non secret believers.

They’ve asked, they believe and they shall receive. Otherwise the secret is just not worth the paper it is vomited on.

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12 thoughts on “Why England’s secret means they will win the world cup

  1. Ari says:

    I’d been wondering whether someone would comment on this! So completely astounding that I have no words it apart from, well, sickening. Sure, I’ve never really respected Strauss for his daft captaincy in which his idea of encouraging talk is to say “Let’s look for the draw, boys”, but you’ve got to fear for a team being led by a public school lad thrust deep into the world of international cricket without, apparently, any real mental development along the way.

    Lucky England have Flower to constantly feed decisions into Strauss’ ear or we’d be suitably fucked.

  2. J says:

    They already have a world cup recently(T20). Maybe they have previous experience with the drawing!

  3. Howe Zat says:

    Strauss being clearly insane is an interesting development to say the least.

    But then, he’s a tory, so we already knew this.

  4. psychobauble says:

    Many Indians still put a lot of faith in Dadaism.

  5. J says:

    Wish Nehra and sreesanth drew some hawk eyes before the game and believed in secret. Only some illogical miracle will save us from their crap.

  6. Mike says:

    And don’t you just look forward to the inevitable Strauss biography when more (non) secrets are revealed.
    Good player, though.

  7. Dustbinner says:

    You know, a couple of months ago I drew a picture of a cat stuck under a house and next to it was a ferrari and Graeme Swann with a wine glass and a set of keys.

    Maybe Strauss is onto something.

  8. Lolly says:

    He sounds even more boring than he actually sounds when speaking.

  9. RS Radio says:

    This must make Strauss’ world wonderfully straightforward; one crappy doodle = endless reserves of self-confidence . . . .

    What did the rest of the England team draw? I want to know Jonathan Trott’s darkest desire.

  10. Matt says:

    Maybe the Aussies need to draw a pic of the entire english team, shitfaced, nobs out in a pedalo

  11. nick says:


  12. steve says:

    And I thought their secret was Broad’s Mitchel Johnson look-alike buzzcut.

    Talk about imitation being the highest form of something or other

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