Cricket isn’t a funny game, it’s a sadistic torture that we enjoy because each and every one of us is sick and wrong.
I’ve been out here for weeks, and the feeling I have is more like being a prison bitch than a sport fan.
Kept away from my wife, sharing a room with various men, hardly drinking or sleeping, watching my back so I don’t get shivved, and knowing that even when I get out, I’m always going to be affected.
I can imagine my grand-kids being apprehensive in years to come, “should we ask, I mean, he still has nightmares about Alastair Cook”.
It’s not the losing I mind, it’s how long it all takes. That’s what makes cricket such a great game, in other sports, the band aid gets ripped off. In cricket, they keep you alive for as long as they can, they cut your toes off, slice your calf off, put your genitals in a blender, get flesh eating ants inside your thigh, show you your intestines, put your arms in a wood chopper, cut your tongue and and sick it up your ass then back to your mouth, draw and quarter you, dip random bits of your body in acid, make you listen to Christmas Carols and keep your conscious during all of it. Cricket never cuts your eyes out, though. It keeps them in, you have to watch all of this, for weeks on end, your body just being abused and damaged for the pleasure of others, it is why we love it. It’s why I’m still in the ground, seeing England run around for the fans. Seeing Cook one last damn time. So much Cook. Every day.
This series, Cook was the blender.
Perhaps with better pitches and cricketers, it wouldn’t feel this long, but from Xavier Doherty on in, I knew this was going to be a long hard road.
England aren’t a brilliant team yet, they’re just really good at what they do. This means you don’t see the most amazing entertaining cricket of your life, you just see a team that executes it skillsets, a lot. What makes them good is not necessarily what gets you excited about cricket. If they’re your team, you don’t care how they win, but for the rest of us, Australians and everyone else, this was a long series, filled with well drilled quick singles and bowling units combining.
Australia were the entertaining part of this series as their comedy ineptitude on and off the field has kept us all wanting more. They showed just enough talent on the field at certain times that set up the laughs for later. They don’t trust technology or each other. They just kept building brick walls and running into them.
England won. Quite fucken rightly.
They deserve all the plaudits and credit that others will write.
Sometimes you do the Ashes, sometimes the Ashes do you.