My abusive relationship with Mitchell Johnson

It started before I even saw him. The use of the words ‘once in a generation’ made me keen to know more.

When I first saw him I didn’t think much, he was just a dumb kid and he wasn’t what I was looking for. Unlike the rest, I never fell for the left arm types; I don’t care what arm you use as long as you use it well.

Then he disappeared, and I must admit, I barely gave him a second thought.

When he came back I thought it was a bit weird, but then when he made it to the top level it really annoyed me. This dude had been driving a van for a plumber instead of trying to please me, why would I want him around?

It didn’t matter by this point, he was in my life whether I wanted him or not.

This, and his constant wide deliveries, really got to me. Every time Lee or Clark put the pressure on, this young buck with a stupid piercing would come on and let it all off.

Then he got better. He still bowled wide, but he took wickets as well. Without noticing my feelings change, suddenly it became apparent that I really liked him. The two old guys meant very little to me, it was all about Mitchell.

By the time he took South Africa down he was the only one I wanted.

Leading into the Ashes I wasn’t worried about too much, just that Mitchell would get injured. I couldn’t stand the thought he’d get hurt.

Then it all went wrong. During the ashes all I wanted was for him to get hurt.

That followed with a year of him being vile to me. Really fucken nasty at times. I tried to be nice to him, but when he goads you like that you just can’t help yourself.

It was sick and wrong, we were entrapped in hatred, that is how these relationships go, you can’t live with each other and you can’t kill the other person by drowning them in a soiled toilet.

This went on for the longest time, until I and everyone else were sick of him. Finally, he was gone. The cycle of hate could end.

That wasn’t true though, he wasn’t really gone. He was still around, just not in front of me, it just seemed like I could move on, find new people, become happy without him.

It just didn’t happen that way.

The other men were just as miserable as him, and he was quickly back. Way too quick for me.

Then he does this. Given me so much in one day. I can barely contain myself. While I might hate him for all the shit he brings me, when he is kind, he is very very kind.

The problem is, as good as I feel today, how will I feel in a week, a month, a year.

These moments of bliss wont last. He’ll quickly become abusive to me again. It will turn ugly. I’ll abuse him. We’ll turn to hate and try to make life as painful as possible for each other.

The cycle is set to continue. I speak out because I fear I am not the only one.

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15 thoughts on “My abusive relationship with Mitchell Johnson

  1. BT says:

    Jrod – I was keenly awaiting this post.

    I can understand all the frustration with MJ but for me, I just expected it to be hit-and-miss with Johnson from the beginning so these developments aren’t too much of a kick to my system.

    Still … what a spell … 1-1 heading into Boxing Day me thinks!

  2. MeikoElektra says:

    Don’t be too sure, BT. The fourth innings score at the WACA has been over 300 for the past four Tests at the ground. Not the hardest wicket to chase on and I can’t see Steve Smith doing what Warne didn’t manage to do to South Africa in 2005/6 (RSA drew the match, rescued by Jacques Rudolph). The WACA gets easier to bat on, rather than more difficult.

  3. David Bird says:

    That describes my feeling towards Harmison. The resemblence is uncanny. Save for the Ashes, I hope he never abuses you again.

  4. Tim says:

    “Every time Lee… put the pressure on”??? When was that? Lee has always been a criminally loose bowler who was given a free ride by being in an attack with two of the all time greats. His lack of control was a major contributor to us losing in 2005. Useless.

  5. Emskie says:

    MJ is my favourite bogan. But I too fear he may bowl like a sea monkey next innings. He can’t be trusted!

  6. Sunny says:

    false dawn…mitch that is. punter needs a proper send off and english are coming to the party. bring on cam white!

  7. Eddie says:

    I used to like Mitchell Johnson, he was a player you could hate but enjoyed watching and then he got that tattoo. Enough said.

  8. golandaaz says:

    be careful jrod, such relationships end up destroying something or someone. consider just walking away

  9. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    The solution couldn’t be easier: Play him only in one Test on average every 1.5-2 years. Ideally that would be one Test per Ashes, one perfect Test, the one match Aus has to win under all circumstances. Not playing in between these matches is the key to his form. The perfect way to utilise Mitchell Johnson.

  10. warlock says:

    Mitchell Johnson depends on extremely fine calibration to bowl with the laser guided efficiency we’ve seen in this test.

    One little tap, and he’ll go back to clanking and grinding again. So for Cricket Australia’s sake, I suggest they employ a minder to screen all phone calls from his mum.

  11. SpryCorpse says:

    Where the fuck does the swing suddenly come from?
    And where will it have gone in the second innings when he won’t get one to deviate off a straight line?

    But, gee, he is awesome when he can get it to move.
    His bowling had Wasim Akram written all over it yesterday.

  12. James says:

    How did someone not fix him sooner? All you had to do was make sure his arm was upright rather than falling away to the left which makes him swing the ball and stop bowling those balls that don’t hit the pitch. If Troy Cooley is getting money for simply doing that then I would like a cut.

  13. martin says:

    That’s the trouble with mercurial talents. They are burlesque, all tease and no real fleshy substance. He might well bowl you to victory here, but I’d be tempted to bet he goes back to being unable to throw a bag off shit off a flat roof at MCG,

    On the other hand, if England magically turn around and win this test ffrom their current position (2/ 46) Mitchell will have been bowling badly again and the result could crush him.

  14. Lolly says:

    Imagine how Punter must feel about him. He’s probably paid more money that is healthy to psychologists just to deal with his relationship with Johnson.

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