Why talking about Shane Warne returning to cricket makes you stupider than you were before

It amazes me that human beings can walk upright, talk and operate any kind of mobile phone device.

We are so fucken stupid as a species that I for one cannot wait for the day our alien masters come here and make us into food, pets and handbags for the bored middle class aliens who don’t have to work because they have designed machines to do everything they need to do in life.

This post is stupid.  Painfully so.

Because this isn’t even the first time I’ve written a post like this, I’ve done them for Warne, Gilly and Hayden. Probably for others as well.

I get sucked in by the stupidity of others and just feel the need to comment when I really should be doing something more meaningful with my time like cutting off my nipples to sew them onto a mouse.

Great players retire, get dropped or die.  It’s a simple concept.  Most of them retire.  They do this because they no longer want to play the game at the highest level, no longer can play the game at the highest level, or are just sick and tired of training.

Warne retired at the right time for him, that he and McGrath left at the one time created a massive chasm bigger than Paris Hilton’s, but they both had to retire and at that stage Australia had Lee, MacGill and Clark.  It wasn’t as if they left Australia cricket with a homeless guy who yells at tourists.

Now, four years later, some people want Warne back.

Actually, it isn’t four years later, they’ve being saying it on repeat on every single day since he left, because people are morons.

Warne made them feel warm and fuzzy.  Well, they felt warm and fuzzy when he played.

That was because he was a major part in what was a brilliant cricket team.  As good as he was, it wasn’t just Warne.  Australia had three of its best ever bowlers in one side for years, they also had a bunch of great and very good batsmen, some capable back up bowlers and a cricket changing wicket keeper.

This team had these people warm, fuzzy and non sexually (mostly) satisfied.

Now that feeling has gone, and these people, like the simple morons they are, want it back.  Well, you can’t have it back.

Forgetting the fact that Warne is 41, hasn’t bowled more than 4 overs a game in the top level of cricket for years, has a average of 36 at the WACA in his prime, has 9 other jobs, and wouldn’t want to tarnish his name by coming back, he just won’t come back.

At the very least he’d have to make himself available for Victoria, come back from London, and make sure he really could bowl 30 overs a day.

None of these things are going to happen, regardless of whether he rules out coming back or not. He just isn’t going to play at the WACA, and even if he did, he wouldn’t be winning the game for anyone other than England.

Asking your very retired players to come back, every time you team struggles is about as stupid as you can get.

It is sports version of having a bad night with your current girlfriend, ringing up your ex in a drunken horny state, then appearing at her house at 4am professing your undying love for her.

The chances of it being successful are very slim, the chances of you ending up looking like a complete ass clown are odds on.

Just writing about this has made me dumber. Because I know this is a nonsense media and idiot related issue, and yet I still write about it.

Just reading this has made you dumber as well.  Because you also know that he isn’t going to play and that this whole thing is just a colossal waste of your precious time.

You could have spent your time reading about something important, taking your nan flowers, helping a young person with their life or clipping the  toe nails for a local person with no arms. You’ve let down your community, family and species.

Instead of making a difference you came here and read this stupid ranty article written by some idiot who calls everyone else an idiot about something that was never going to happen in the first place.

It’s non-issues like this that keep us all so distracted we let the world become the sort of place that allows reality TV stars and cardboard cut out politicians to take over.

You and I are the problem.

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34 thoughts on “Why talking about Shane Warne returning to cricket makes you stupider than you were before

  1. Rishabh says:

    So he’s not coming back?
    (just to prove your point)

  2. Yuvi says:

    I’m so stealing so many of your analogies (or similies?)

  3. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Now I can breathe again. Seriously billions of people are frantically trying to flog this dead horse back to life, Cricinfo:
    “Warne flattered by comeback talk” “Growing calls for legspinner’s return”
    My head hurts

  4. golandaaz says:

    There is far too much time in between the 2 tests. Idle minds…good time for some match fixing stories to come out of Pakistan. that’s better for filling up the time between 2 test matches

  5. Martyd says:

    It does keep the odd(!?) cricket journo in gin between tests however and it’s not doing Wanie’s char show promotion any harm. Spin on!

  6. Theres also a shortage of Sprouts and Christmas Trees at this time of year, another non event, publicity seeking, annual story.

    Maybe in the 3rd test Flintoff could bowl to him off one leg?

  7. Sunny says:

    just so he doesn’t feel left out, i am going to throw brad hodge into the mix.

  8. wow, jrod….this might be your best post yet….so typical!

  9. Pete says:

    Simmo came back

  10. Sach says:

    Check this out.
    I’m afraid Warne will take the 4000 dollars and come back. Oh the horror!

  11. Govind Raj says:


    Even I had almost similar thoughts. But could never put into words so beautifully, ruthlessly and correctly.

    Australia were great as a Team and not because of Warne, but ALSO because of him. Without McGrath, they lost the Ashes to Harm-is-on Army and we all know that !

    This is your ‘BEST’ Post to date and better than the Dravid Balls Profile !

    Thanks for being as frank as you are !

    Even Bradman would find it tough to lift this team !

  12. Brad Hodge says:

    Thanks Sunny

    It is always good to receive a bit of love on the CWB site. As you can imagine, there has been a lot of interest, unfortunately it is for the World Cup. If Hilditch could only remember my last OZ innings at the WACA

  13. sandeep says:

    just one thing mate IPL is not top level cricket not by long shot so even warne’s 4 overs bowled in IPL counts for nothing !!!If IPL was top notch cricket india would have won every T20 match played after IPL and we all know how they performed dont we !!!

    Excellent article otherwise

  14. […] cricket with balls » Why talking about Shane Warne returning to … […]

  15. Kim says:

    Warne won’t be back, but I reckon we’ll see Johnson, Hauritz and Hilfenhaus again before very long.

  16. Ed says:

    Bringbackwarne.com has raised the princely sum of $4,425 last time I looked. Wonder how much it would cost to bring back McGrath, Hayden, Langer, Lee, Gilchrist and the rest of the gang?

  17. Look…when you retire you should stay retired. Michael Schumacher should not have un-retired…and neither should Warne. nuf said.

  18. AndyD says:

    Yeah its a crazy idea but let’s be honest – they couldn’t do much worse…

  19. Gimblett says:

    Talking about a Warne comeback is almost as stupid as reading a Peter Roebuck article.

  20. Rusty says:

    Yep, you and I (and others who have commented) are the problem … I talked about the Warnie thing on Tuesday and again today … so maybe I am more of the problem than you Jrod!

    Warnie is not coming back … but it is a fun story when while we are being trashed by England … when (if) the Aussies win in Perth the comments will be on other stuff …

    Great post Jrod!!

  21. knowledge_eater says:

    I thought it was just emotional taunts by few of warne fans (me) who went on to tweet ‘hey come back warne’ but when people start writing post on respected news sites, on news channels and “THey even freaken made a website” that is just PURE lame Stupid …

    Let’s say its not stupid and people are serious, then you know what is that, IT’s like spraying table salt on acid burn poor team. What will be current bowling line up thinking !!! ‘Hey why the fuck they are talking about Warne? We aren’t dead yet, we can still bounce back, and ashes is still not over yet.’ You can’t go back and ask for retired player no matter how talented that player was. Jrod nailed it down completely He is 41 years old overweight who can’t run after few overs and he might just pass out on ground. Few commentators were even making fun of him, while he dived to stop bowl in one of the IPL match, they were like ‘hey look at fat man flying’. What if Warne fails miserably against KP, whom Warne consistently said on air that because of Cockiness he is doing that and this. Imagine Warne’s image after that. Warne is done for international cricket. Period. And Aussy media should rather support their bruised team not pour salt on them “hey call for legend, these guys can’t do job properly.” IF they can’t do job then teach them properly. Why are you taunting your depleted bowlers, who are probably your future!!!

    It’s stupid. And it’s not only stupid, it’s insulting and depressing for current squad.

  22. Sunny says:

    @Brad Hodge – no probs mate. if you have been watching any of the updates from 2 pricks at the ashes, hilditch has a tendency to go in circles these days. you better off sending him a BBM with this link as a reminder:

    this was a special knock this one. lucky for saffers, punter called you in or you would still be batting. love the fist pumps — how i miss the days when aussies were doing it. i like that bit in the middle when mr. cricket is giving you props and you (and the Ego) just ignore it, like whatever. mark nicholas’ orgasmic wails (around the 5:52 mark) are priceless!

  23. Rusty says:

    And just as a treat for you Jrod – Mr “The Superficial” has some great snaps of Natalie Portman :)


  24. knowledge_eater says:

    So forgot to put my Cliche for this incident.

    “Asking Shane Warne to comeback is like, telling people that no-child is given mother’s milk anymore but stupid baby powder milk*”.

    Another Cliche

    “Asking Shane Warne to comeback is as insulting as telling Poms that without help of SA you wouldn’t be jerking off as rigorously as you are right now”

    to be continued..

    *there are certain exceptions where you shouldn’t breast fed babies, and give powder milk.

  25. Suprise says:

    Pretty sure that’s the longest post you’ve ever written.

    Read the heading and couldn’t be arsed reading the rest. Which probably proves I’m smarter than 110% of you other bastards.

    Anyway I back Warnie in his call for Beer. Can’t believe you haven’t jumped all over that one. None of that Emu Export shit either – Matilda Bay thanks. I’d say Red Backs but thats a little weird coming from West Aussie.

  26. Brad Hodge says:

    Brought a tear to my eye Sunny. God I looked good during that match. Then again, the 3 tons I have smashed in this years Ryobi Cup have not been that bad either. No doubt I wont be Hilditch & co’s plans, they will probably even have Roy’s name above mine.

  27. jogesh99 says:

    “highest level?” Is that whats been on display?

    Curious how, when the Aussies were kickin’ arse, they had the best SYSTEM in the world, the most depth, the best staff, blah blah blah. A few players retiring seems to have fucked all that too. We can lend you Lalit to set things right, but only if you beg.

    And its downright churlish of us desis to not refer to England as #1. All India can do is beat mediocre teams on flat lifeless pitches (oops!).

  28. raghu says:

    @knowledge_eater • Dec 10, 2010 @09:42

    Pouring salt on Aussie wound is what is giving me the orgasm. What better when it is done by the OZ themselves [ OZ Media ]

  29. knowledge_eater says:

    @ Raghu haha that’s true actually, but personally I always sympathize more for new comers, I mean when players who are on song and played enough tests, if they don’t perform, I say let’s everyone poop on them, because they suppose to score and they didn’t. But when newcomer doesn’t perform, it kind of doesn’t sound great. It’s like official ragging. lol And besides, India have kicked Aussies Ass on many occasions (especially in test) :P

  30. Ajesh Nag says:

    Lol spot on JRod, someone’s gotta say it.

    But food for thought- Michael Schumacher made a comeback at 41 years of age to the worlds most physically and mentally demanding sport, despite being THE all time greatest. And didn’t make himself look too good, but still, one has to appreciate his hunger, though I think Warnie would rather eat his burger instead.

  31. Mike says:

    Awesome post, when someone says warne should come back, i rage and know it’s dumb but can never say many reasons why. you hit the nail on the head.

  32. […] thoughts summarised (language warning) cricket with balls Why talking about Shane Warne returning to cricket makes you stupider than you we… __________________ Celebrating the defining moments of CW: […]

  33. Peter says:

    Bradman took six years off…..

    all Shane needs to do is roll his arm over, captain the team and set the field, not really taxing stuff considering he was never a tri-athlete to begin with…..

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