What would Chuck Norris do? Very little.

Someone asked me tonight who the Aussies could bring in to turn their team around. I wittily remarked that not even Chuck Norris could help them.

It’s true, because Chuck Norris is clearly a massive poser. He’s a high-panted right-wing clean-hatted borefest. I think the Australian team has people like him already.

They do need someone serious though. About 11 serious people in fact.

So I have taken it upon myself to pick an 11 that will win the next test for Australia. No Chuck Norrislike people, only real men make of stone, rock and petrified wood.

Tiger Bill O’Reilly
Australia need a spinner, and while Warne may not want to make a come back, I think Tiger would. Would also make a tour diary that would make Swann’s like like a sunday morning children’s program, and he’d abuse Bradman.

Rasputin
It was almost impossible to kill Rasputin, it is way too easy to kill off Australia. And would also bring a bit of royal fraternising back to the team that has not been around since Miller. His beard would be an added bonus.

Lawrence Tierney
Who in the Australian team would you look at and be scared by? Exactly, bring in Lawrence’s beaten up head and see if Jimmy sledges him.

Aron Ralston
The man cut off his own arm to survive. His own arm, he broke it first, then cut it with a pocket knife or something. Look, the details are not important, he cut his arm off, unlike Mitchell Johnson who almost missed a tournament because he got a tattoo of a cat on his arm.

Lee Marvin
It’s a little known fact that Steve Waugh based his whole personality on Lee Marvin. Australia did well with the replicant, why not get in the real deal. I’d have him as captain, and he can bat where ever he decides to bat.

Neil Harvey
Yes it’s easy to make fun of Harvey, but right now, if he was to make one of his predictable media appearance, he’d be right. Also, Australian cricket needs someone from the Northern Suburbs of Melbourne, and since Clint McKay is not going to make that much of a difference, I suggest McKay.

Julian Assange
OK, not a typical macho man, he is way more honest than anyone in the Australian team. Perhaps when a player makes a completely misleading statement, he can say, actually, he said he’s been hitting them well in the nets, that isn’t the case, I have an email from Tim Nielsen that proves he is in terrible form.

Edward R. Murrow
Took on Joseph McCarthy with a microphone, dry sense of humour and a cloud of smoke. I think that would make him a great number four and second slip. I could be wrong.

Phar Lap
Few people know that Phar Lap’s heart was actually bigger than his body. Some people thought that he was just a phenomenally athletic horse, but it was actually this massive heart pumping extra blood that made him great. It seems that Australia could do with a massive horse heart about now.

Muhammad Ali
Most of the reasons you’d pick Ali are obvious. The best reason to pick him is for the sledging. He’d make it rhyme and be funny.

Nathan Hauritz
Got picked when he shouldn’t have, fought like hell to stay in the side despite a lack of talent, got dropped for someone who is essentially his long lost brother and then went back to shield cricket to produce his best ever figures with the ball and then make a hundred with the bat. Plus, me picking him will really fuck with his head.

This side could win the three tests (yes three, two might sound good, but can Australia afford to win 2 and hope the other one is a draw) Australia need to win back the Ashes. Sure, there is some problems with eligibility and injury, but if Australia really want the Ashes, this is the side they should pick.

The cricket sadist.

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9 thoughts on “What would Chuck Norris do? Very little.

  1. sheen says:

    how about jesus himself?

  2. Sunny says:

    no marcus north then?

  3. mama jrod says:

    I’d pick Glenn Beck.Every press meeting he would claim a conspiracy theory on how the Australian team is being over taken by ‘Communists’,’ Marxist’ and ‘Arsenic based life forms’ it would be so crazy that it would distract people from noticing the Aussies getting their ass whooped…

  4. golandaaz says:

    You need Harry Potter. Your XI sorely needs an injection of youth

  5. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Danny Briggs! He’s already in WA, he’s taking clumps of wickets, he is young, blond, tall, spinny, left-handed, naturally gifted, heaps talented, attacking and… oh , wrong passport :(

  6. Yenjvoy says:

    Not sure I agree with all your selection choices. For example, I’d pick Jason Krejza instead of Hauritz, and the Ski Instructor ahead of any other fast bowler, simply because that would really fuck with the opposition’s planning, which to be honest has been absolutely faultless. It is instructive to see what the English got right – first, they forced Flintoff to retire, which was their most important building block for the team of the future; second, they made Strauss work out until his shoulders almost resemble those of Zak Khan, thus making him feel confident about facing the chuntering from chunter and scoring with oz chicks in bars; and, finally, they got rid of anyone in their bowling lineup who had any hint of facial hair. Ever since Cricket was imported to English shores by the East India Company, in 18mfsms, every match they have won has been due in large part to the absence of whiskers on their bowlers. Having reviewed these obvious preparatory steps, it should be obvious where Australia missed a trick or two – they thought that appointing Greg Chappell as selector would match and counter the bold English gambit of the Flint-“off”- ing. FAIL. Then, they could not get Ponting to buff up, with the clear result that he is unable to score quality pussy and is constantly grumpy. Finally, unlike England, Ausralia’s Cricketing success, in fact the entire historical image of Cricket bowling in Australia is a history of luxuriously cultivated facial foliage – Lillee, Hughes etc. The current team is totally useless in this respect, and thus has no hope. I saw the bowlers trying to grow mustaches at the Gabba, but they looked like watered down Dennis Lillees frankly and you could tell their hearts were not in it. We need Dirty Dirk in this team to bring true facial hair. Ponting needs to lead by example and stop shaving forthwith, and he also must slap around Pup as needed to make him grow his first beard. Watson needs to follow suit, and to stop shaving his chest hair. Less metro, dude, and more neanderthal when you chuck that stone please. In fact more stashes all up and down the order would be good for Australia – remember Border, Boon, Marsh, Chappells.

    So going forward, the formula for success is clear – fire Greg, so he can show his finger to CA, and ask everyone to stop shaving from now until Boxing day, and nothing can stop an Oz Victory in that test. I am sure no one will take this seriously though.

  7. Homer says:

    Or you could play Andrew MCDonald instead of Marcus North. Shield avg 93 with the bat, bowling economy 2.14.

    Australia’s biggest problem ( outside of the inability to play for a draw) has been they have no bowler who can hold one end up while the pacers attack at the other end. Hauritz fit the bill till his captain, the Prick, lost his marbles.

    Remember South Africa? McDonald will give Oz control at one end, like Stuart Clarke used to, or Nathan Bracken, or Glenn McGrath, or Shane Warne.

    Play him, play 3 quicks, get Hauritz back, go with a 5 bowling option with Hilf, Harris and Siddle, exploit the Doctor, win or atleast draw with all the brownie points.

    Then wait for “Panic! Panic at the MCG!!”

    And in the meanwhile, tell that idiot captain of yours to stay out while the bowlers do their thing!

    Cheers,

  8. Rusty says:

    How about Arnie Swarchenegger, now that he’s lost the gig in California he’s available … hearing him call for a DRS would be classic …

  9. martin says:

    If you want to win you need proper men rather than the current crop of lily- livered, creamywhite desserts. Half that Aussie side look like they would be able to write dissertations on Sex and the City. Proper men understand the darker stuff of humanity, knowing that life is not all canapes, diet sodas, jimmy choos and happy ever afters.
    With this truth understood the men I nominate to rebuild the Australian side are Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Hunter S Thompson. Their combined knowledge of crime, punishment, fear and loathing make them the ideal opening partnership to combat Anderson. Paulie Walnuts of Tvs Sopranos would make an ideal gritty number five. Has an excellent combative temprament, a great line in sledging and also bowls some pretty sound seam up seamers and cutters in the corridor. The only drawback is his tendency towards mutiny. Talking of miutiny, I would also include Nick Cave to spice up the bowling. He reminds me of Thommo but with a more old testament feel to his sledging. He should thrive at the Waca.
    Finally I think Cricket Australia should look at including Pablo Picasso because unlike most of the current side Pablo knows how to draw.

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