Australia name entire country in Ashes squad

In order to ensure that no metaphorical stone is left unturned, the NSP have selected every Australian there is in a an expanded test squad.

Greg Chappell said, “It’s a holistic cricket squad, we could have limited ourselves to just the 13 or so players that are most likely to play for Australia, but what about Mavis Brown from Epping, the poms know nothing about her.  She is a complete surprise to them, how will her plastic hip help her get turn, no one knows. Also, it is important to not give the poms what they are expecting.  This squad might look like we have just put the entire voting registry on it, but it is way more than that. Way more”.

Simon Spehr of Camperdown was over the moon to be selected, “I’ll be honest, I’ve been waiting for this call all my life.  It wasn’t a call, obviously, they couldn’t call everyone, but to know that my name was in the squad was more than enough. Mo mother was so excited for me, but then even more excited for herself.”

Former legend Dean Jones was also ecstatic about the squad, “I knew the selectors hadn’t forgotten about me. Commentating may not seem like the ideal preparation for playing in a test. However, since my time out of the game I think I’ve learnt a few things, especially from Hashim Amla.”

While almost every Australian selected in the squad was happy, there has been some negative feedback.  The English press believe this is a desperate move from a insane cricket selection panel who have completely lost the plot.  Russell Crowe and Sam Neill were both visibly upset and not getting selected.  And Germaine Greer complained bitterly about Steve Irwin’s inclusion.

The squad is expected to be trimmed down to 10,000 by the 20th of November.

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26 thoughts on “Australia name entire country in Ashes squad

  1. Rishabh says:

    Pup and Bingle in the same squad? That’s gotta be tense…

  2. Jim says:

    Dear National Selection Panel,

    My cap size is 7 1/8. I thought you’d like to know early since there must be quite some lead time involved in ordering twenty million Baggy Greens.

    I appreciate the honour.

  3. Moses says:

    Would have been nice if they’d called up every Australian except for Brad Hodge.

  4. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Moses they *have* called up everyone… except for Steve O’Keefe! I don’t know how to sleep now with this rage, no alcohol in the house either >: (

  5. knowledge_eater says:

    They are 100 % doing Dog research the saliva one … remember ! And Gregg C.and Hilditch are Pavlov. and players are Dogs, and they are measuring saliva of each dog, and see who salivate more to play Ashes. More you salivate better your chances.

    So, by default Ponting wins right there. I don’t know about others. We will wait and see the result of Saliva.

  6. Adsy says:

    Ronald McDonald is too busy counting the cash from McHappy Day so he wasn’t included despite back-to-back tons and wickets against Australia A (sorry I meant NSW).

  7. golandaaz says:

    Andrew Symmonds was dropped

  8. tracerbullet007 says:

    they should have gone left field…..and picked from outside the country….vettori would have been another option for spin, and lara (brian, not bingle!) seems to be getting his groove back in Zim…

  9. Will says:

    There were only 17 more in the crowd than were selected in the squad. And will someone tell Cricket Australia that we are playing for the Ashes, and just the Ashes. You get Vodafone Ashes when your mobile phone catches fire

  10. raghu says:

    Loved the post. Wonder why Howard wasn’t selected?

  11. warlock says:

    Cricket Australia is delighted to welcome Joseph Hayward Kearns of Geelong, born 15 November 2010, to its holistic Test squad.

    Proud parents Bruce and Rebecca Kearns are understandably “over the moon”. “Just after Joseph was delivered” says Rebecca. “I heard the Ashes announcement. Despite being groggy from the epidural, I immediately told Bruce to contact the NSB and confirm that Joseph was eligible. After checking with hospital records, they assured us he was born in time to be part of the squad.”

    “I always knew my boy would play Test cricket one day.” said Bruce Kearns. “I just didn’t expect it to be in a week and a half.”

    Australian test captain Ricky Ponting was unfailingly positive. “Joseph Kearns is not a symbolic selection.” he said. “I fully expect him to survive the November 20 trim, and make the playing XI. Sure, he can’t bowl and will use a plastic Fisher-Price bat. He’ll also require special dispensation to permit a runner. But we intend to place him at short mid-off, and rely on the Poms’ reluctance to smash it near a little baby to restrict them.”

    Selector Greg Chappell reiterated Ponting’s comments. “Australia need to be Number One again, and the selection of the number one youngest player ever, obliterating Hasan Raza’s record, is a step towards that.” he said. “What’s more, the selection team are seriously considering including Bruce and Rebecca in the Ashes lineup. We believe that keeping the family together will inspire them to excel for Australia.”

    “We always looked forward to watching Joseph play.” said Rebecca Kearns. “Now we can do it from square leg and second slip.”

  12. Matt says:

    Rodney Rude has been quick to capitalize on his non selection, releasing an Ashes album and reworked first single, ‘hey Santa claus ya c@&$, where’s my baggy green?’

  13. Matt says:

    Hmm, maybe it was Kevin bloody Wilson!

  14. Lou says:

    I’d really like someone like David Wenham or Eric Bana selected for the attack. They both play the hardman far better than bloody Johnson or Watson.

  15. Sunny says:

    so krezja and dirty dirk have a shot?

  16. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Sunny haha
    Is Jason Donovan actually eligible to play? I could accept if he replaced Hauritz (._.)

  17. Phred says:

    Steve Irwin = The Corpse With Pads?

  18. ghurram says:

    Hilarious ! Just to add, perhaps they could also play the Chappel brothers – they’d do a decent job. And raise Trumper from his coffin.

    And where’s frickkin White ? The premier leg spinner who toured India a couple of years ago. I mean, heck, what’ the point in carrying Horritz around when White can atleast bat.

    They might as well hand the Ashes over on a platter than play this lineup. I would have paid to watch an Ashes had it been 2005; it now looks no more than a Bangla-Zim series.

  19. BenSix says:

    And raise Trumper from his coffin.

    He’s been spinning for the past five years.

  20. Wade says:

    Cool, hopefully they may start to win some games now (not) Ardent South African fan.

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  22. reina says:

    Perhaps a zombie outdoorsman with no sense of restraint is exactly the X-factor that this Australian side needs. Finding enough brains to keep him in top condition might be a little bit tricky, though.

  23. Dame Edna should surely replace Ponting as Captain.

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  25. get your money on england! 5/1 to win this test the­ aussies have only done half a job, if they dont put on­ 350+ then the first day means nothing.the bookies have­ jumped the gun, england have good bowlers in form, this­ aussie side are the worst for decades the past results­ prove that.

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