what really happened to Zulqarnain Haider

It seems that some time between the fourth and fifth one dayer Zulqarnain Haider just up and vanished.

As one of Zulqarnain Haider’s closest facebook friends, he has kept me in the loop the whole time, and only now that he is safe I can reveal the details.

In the fourth one dayer Zully Q-dawg (as he likes to be called) hit the winning runs.  He did this with style and class as his way.  Unfortunately this angered a very powerful man.

Kamran Akmal.

While Zully Q-dawg was bathing in champagne, Kamran was planning his demise.  We all see Kamran as a bit of a bumbling buffoon, and with the gloves on he is.  Off the field is a whole different story, Kamran is super smooth, and often resembles a European gigolo in an American film.

Kamran put the squeeze of Zully Q-dawg, getting his cronies to tell him, “there is only room for one Pakistani keeper in neutral venues, so if you want to keep your fingers, we suggest a sudden holiday, you dig”.

Zully Q-dawg digged, and he boarded a jet plane.

When he arrived he called the one man he knew that could hide without being found, Lalit K Modi.  Modi and Zully Q-dawg go back a long way.  They used to play bridge together in Belgium in the late 90s.

Lalit told Zully Q-dawg that he could help him out, as long as Zully Q-dawg was willing to digitise himself.  As a keen micro-blogging social-networker, Zully Q-dawg had no idea what Lalit was talking about, but it sounded cool.

From there Lalit hooked him up with a room of computer geeks, and disappeared into the afternoon.

These computer guys then digital transfer him to a digital world, you know, like Tron.

There Zully Q-dawg runs free while throwing frisbees and playing games.  He tells me via email that he has never been happier.

He will come back, one day, when we all deserve him.

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8 thoughts on “what really happened to Zulqarnain Haider

  1. Rishabh says:

    This would be a very bad movie, but a hit in South Asia…

  2. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    With Zulq you never know what’s real and what’s just in his mind. If you follow him for a while you will see that weird things happen in his head sometimes. He thinks the same things three times in a row and is a bit manic also. We can just hope that he is fine and knows what he is doing.

  3. He’s obviously decided enough is enough and he wants to come back to UK to sort out his unfinished business with Stuart Broad.

    “He’s where – Oh, Shit”

  4. sunjeet says:

    Zully fiasco has prompted PCB to put embedded GPS chips on all Pak player’s dicks .

    They are in a conundrum as to what they would do in Kamran Akmal’s case ?

  5. Ganesh says:

    What a Fantasy! :D

  6. The dude posted on Facebook in what can be technically called SMSlish. He seems to be threatened by someone for winning the last match. I seriously think it was a crank call from one of his teammates.

  7. Howe_zat says:

    News today from cricinfo:


    He confirms the threats, he doesn’t want to say who.

    Match-fixing came up.

    He is seriously worried about his family.

    He has very little money and is having to pay for a lawyer to seek protection in the UK.

    What a man.

  8. Mintu says:

    if he thinks he’s hiding in England, he’s on a hiding to nothing.

    he shuold’ve just taken the money. then bought me a cup of coffee at the very least, while we talk about where to put the GPS on Akmal’s nonexisten….continue ad libitum.

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