ICC officials have announced that they briefly looked into claims that the Australian team has thrown recent international cricket matches.
A spokesmachine for the ICC said, “After two recent matches where Australia got the opposition 8 wickets down and lost the game, we thought it was our duty to look into the results. I’ll be honest; we only looked into the games for about two minutes. Dave, the work experience kid, thought we should, but we realized that it wasn’t fixing, the aussies were just really crap.”
A man in a cheap suit from Cricket Australia responded quickly to the announcement, “We are very happy with the result of the investigation, but we are shocked that the team was ever looked into in the first place. Anyone with even a passing interest in cricket would have noticed that this isn’t match fixing, but just that Australia are shit”.
Some ex-cricketer who doesn’t get quoted in the media much these days had this to add, “Can you believe that the ICC has wasted two minutes of their time two look into this? I mean come on, if the ICC had more people who’d actually played cricket, this would never have been looked into. There are way more important things in cricket to worry about, like the front foot no-ball rule and why I only get four tickets to certain matches. Plus, everyone knows Australia are playing like turds.”
Then someone put a recording device in front of a woman with three teeth and unwashed hair, “Australia is too bloody useless to fix anything, they are playing like a huge pile of excrement”.
Some random punter said, “This is fucking awesome, I’m making a fortune on the fact they can’t ever get the 9th wicket. This new Australia is awesome.”
According to the statement, the ICC also looked into New Zealand losing to Bangladesh, but had to drop that investigation when they found out that no one from the ICC had seen the series.