The ICC investigate Australian Match Fixing claims

ICC officials have announced that they briefly looked into claims that the Australian team has thrown recent international cricket matches.

A spokesmachine for the ICC said, “After two recent matches where Australia got the opposition 8 wickets down and lost the game, we thought it was our duty to look into the results.  I’ll be honest; we only looked into the games for about two minutes.  Dave, the work experience kid, thought we should, but we realized that it wasn’t fixing, the aussies were just really crap.”

A man in a cheap suit from Cricket Australia responded quickly to the announcement, “We are very happy with the result of the investigation, but we are shocked that the team was ever looked into in the first place.  Anyone with even a passing interest in cricket would have noticed that this isn’t match fixing, but just that Australia are shit”.

Some ex-cricketer who doesn’t get quoted in the media much these days had this to add, “Can you believe that the ICC has wasted two minutes of their time two look into this?  I mean come on, if the ICC had more people who’d actually played cricket, this would never have been looked into.  There are way more important things in cricket to worry about, like the front foot no-ball rule and why I only get four tickets to certain matches.  Plus, everyone knows Australia are playing like turds.”

Then someone put a recording device in front of a woman with three teeth and unwashed hair, “Australia is too bloody useless to fix anything, they are playing like a huge pile of excrement”.

Some random punter said, “This is fucking awesome, I’m making a fortune on the fact they can’t ever get the 9th wicket.  This new Australia is awesome.”

According to the statement, the ICC also looked into New Zealand losing to Bangladesh, but had to drop that investigation when they found out that no one from the ICC had seen the series.

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20 thoughts on “The ICC investigate Australian Match Fixing claims

  1. tracerbullet007 says:

    the last i heard, pup’s terrible captaincy was intentional, so as to take himself out of the running for future leadership roles….who wants to lead a side in decline, and get pilloried all the time in the media???

  2. Masuud says:

    Crap. Shit. Turd.
    Been a while since such adjectives were used for Oz.

    p.s. Blame those two As bastards, Amir & Asif. Since Headingley being shot out for 88, Oz haven’t warmed up their balls.

  3. Would it be harsh to say that Australia are now turning into England?

    It used to be the English tradition to keep throwing away matches that we had a good chance of winning.

  4. golandaaz says:

    Australia: Yes we can’t

  5. BenSix says:

    Would it be harsh to say that Australia are now turning into England?

    Can’t you see what’s happened?

  6. Leg Break says:

    Clarke clapping his hands like a monkey with symbols while everyone ignored him was good viewing.

  7. Sunny says:

    the malaise started from the 2008 sydney test.

  8. Deep Cower says:

    “Why is Australia so bad?” you ask
    Losing that game was no mean task
    You think it was because of Malinga
    The aptly named Slinga
    But that was Michael Clarke wearing a mask.

    “Wait a minute” I hear you say
    “Clarke was in the field all bloody day
    He is as bad a magician
    As he is a tactician
    And Aussie captains don’t ever betray”.

    Oh, hear the treacherous tale
    That will strike fear and turn you pale
    Clarke packed himself into a qubit
    And batted, sending the ball into orbit
    And captained to make sure there’s no bail.

    Why he did this we’ll never know
    Possibly his love for Angelo
    But the best reason you’ll ever find
    Is from tracerbullet’s creative mind
    Future captaining is not for this fellow.

  9. tracerbullet007 says:

    this is the second time i have been mentioned in a poem…..the first time wasn’t too complimentary….

  10. It is to the the Aussie crcket community’s credit that such nonsense has not yet happened. In India, effigies would have been burnt, residences vandalized and all that.

    Still rooting for the Aussies in the Ashes.

    Maybe, just maybe, this is all an elaborate con to make the Brits complacent and give them a bollocking to remember.

  11. Sunny says:

    @Dhans – oh definitely…aussies will own the ashes. but only if the right team is selected.

  12. warlock says:

    Meanwhile, over in India, an elderly Chris Martin staggers in to bowl to Sehwag, using his cane for support.
    “Hang on Chris, you can’t use a prop in the field.” says the umpire.
    “No problem.” says Sehwag. “This bowling isn’t enough of a challenge for me, so I’ll bat with that.”
    Despite batting with a cane, Sehwag keeps thrashing boundaries off the middle with nonchalant ease.
    “OK, I’ll try holding it between my ring and little finger.” No difference. The ball keeps getting Sehwaged to the fence.
    Sighing, an exasperated Sehwag turns so he has his back to the bowler. Even with this drastic measure, he continues to ruthlessly dispatch the innocuous deliveries.
    “Sorry, that’s all I can do.” he says to Hopkins. “If I deliberately get out, it’d be match fixing, and my career would be ruined.”

    “But, Viru” says Hopkins. “What would you do if you’d been facing the Aussie attack in a one-dayer after your side was eight wickets down?”
    Sehwag goes pale, and whispers “Dig myself completely underground, and hit the ball using seismic vibrations.”

  13. we used to be a contender says:

    fuck fuck shit shit

  14. raj says:

    Nonsense. Aussies only sell weather information. They don’t fix matches. If you question their integrity, you must not be in the same planet as them.

  15. straight Rod says:

    Jrod, mate, your team is fuck shit right now.

  16. Ganesh says:

    The last para was hilarious! :D
    By the way,New Zealand fielders dropped Sehwag 4 times today.:D

  17. patgarrett says:

    Wasn’t Clarke behind Symonds’ sacking?

    What wouldn’t the Aussies give to still have Symonds in the middle order?

  18. peghalite says:

    @patgarrett you seen andy symonds bat recently? in any highlight reels over the footy season? theres good reason for that he has turned into a poor mans ian harvey.

  19. patgarrett says:

    @peghalite – I didn’t know that. Too many beers and pies?

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