It’s one of the biggest questions in cricket, and also, kind of stupid.
If you are talking about him, he isn’t a no one, not even in quantum physics.
Buchanan’s comments got international media attention, that isn’t a nobody. If I said KP was going to be a liability, it wouldn’t make a newspaper. Unless I also claimed I had photos of him dressing as Xena.
But what is Buchanan?
A leech that attached itself to very strong creatures in New Texas and Australia and just sucked them dry ensuring he had a long and fruitful career whilst looking at a clipboard.
An enigma of cricket coaching that gets the most out of hard working players and completely pisses off the talented players in his line up.
A series of atoms formed into the shape of a man with a ridiculous moustache.
A cardboard cut out that you plonk in front of reporters for press conferences with a tape recorder attached and wows reporters with his knowledge of motivational speak and old crappy Chinese writers.
Something Shane Warne dragged in on his shoe.
Cricket’s first coaching accountant, who made sure that his team were rarely in the black.
Someone who got famous for accidentally leaving out his team notes for a shield final, and then did it on purpose a bunch of times after that without ever coming up with a more original idea.
Sourav Ganguly’s pet.
The ultimate cricketing conman.
One of those people who gets jobs they shouldn’t because they interview so well.
It’s all a rather large mystery. He seems to exist, earn money, get more work, is often quoted in the news, and yet, what is he?
I doubt he is human, but he also doesn’t feel robotic or alien. Perhaps he is a hybrid species of animal, one who can impress the people who matter, frustrate those who don’t, and continue to talk in a deep serious tone for hours on end while certain people nod in agreement.
Shit, maybe he is a priest. He certainly looks like he could be a priest from the wild west with that moustache and his love of wide brimmed hats. Helping the gold miners and annoying the gun slingers. Giving advice that can often be ignored by most people and seems to give comfort to a few. Always wanting to be involved, but never really getting his hands dirty. The nerdish straight laced one who never quite fits in with most of the regular folks yet the towns elders really like having around.
He definitely isn’t a nobody, and if you call someone a nobody, aren’t you really saying they aren’t a nobody? Surely the best way to call someone a nobody is by saying, “sorry, who is that, nope, never heard of him”.