Is John Buchanan a nobody or something else?

It’s one of the biggest questions in cricket, and also, kind of stupid.

If you are talking about him, he isn’t a no one, not even in quantum physics.

Buchanan’s comments got international media attention, that isn’t a nobody.  If I said KP was going to be a liability, it wouldn’t make a newspaper.  Unless I also claimed I had photos of him dressing as Xena.

But what is Buchanan?

A leech that attached itself to very strong creatures in New Texas and Australia and just sucked them dry ensuring he had a long and fruitful career whilst looking at a clipboard.

An enigma of cricket coaching that gets the most out of hard working players and completely pisses off the talented players in his line up.

A series of atoms formed into the shape of a man with a ridiculous moustache.

A cardboard cut out that you plonk in front of reporters for press conferences with a tape recorder attached and wows reporters with his knowledge of motivational speak and old crappy Chinese writers.

Something Shane Warne dragged in on his shoe.

Cricket’s first coaching accountant, who made sure that his team were rarely in the black.

Someone who got famous for accidentally leaving out his team notes for a shield final, and then did it on purpose a bunch of times after that without ever coming up with a more original idea.

Sourav Ganguly’s pet.

The ultimate cricketing conman.

One of those people who gets jobs they shouldn’t because they interview so well.

It’s all a rather large mystery.  He seems to exist, earn money, get more work, is often quoted in the news, and yet, what is he?

I doubt he is human, but he also doesn’t feel robotic or alien.  Perhaps he is a hybrid species of animal, one who can impress the people who matter, frustrate those who don’t, and continue to talk in a deep serious tone for hours on end while certain people nod in agreement.

Shit, maybe he is a priest. He certainly looks like he could be a priest from the wild west with that moustache and his love of wide brimmed hats.  Helping the gold miners and annoying the gun slingers.  Giving advice that can often be ignored by most people and seems to give comfort to a few.  Always wanting to be involved, but never really getting his hands dirty. The nerdish straight laced one who never quite fits in with most of the regular folks yet the towns elders really like having around.

He definitely isn’t a nobody, and if you call someone a nobody, aren’t you really saying they aren’t a nobody? Surely the best way to call someone a nobody is by saying, “sorry, who is that, nope, never heard of him”.

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20 thoughts on “Is John Buchanan a nobody or something else?

  1. Deep Cower says:

    If you stare at this post long enough, you can see Shane Watson playing a cover drive in the background.

  2. coen says:

    schrodinger’s cat

    a serious man

  3. If you stare at this post long enough, you can see Shane Watson playing a cover drive in the background.


    this post is amazing, as is Deep Cower

  4. Dibyo says:

    Dang, was that a Clint Eastwood in Pale Rider joke in there somewhere?

  5. tracerbullet007 says:

    JB seems more and more like a drama queen to me….he just likes to come up wit provocative statements/ideas, coz he knows that will get him on the front pages….pietersen’s reaction will keep him happy for a while, till he comes up with a statement like, ‘underarm bowling shud be legalised’ or ‘shane watson is actually a woman’…..

  6. Jay says:

    With the Aus team he had, he would need to have been monstrously talented to confuse all players and completely put off all of them to prevent that Aus side from winning. He failed to do that and thus collects accolades for being the coach. I reckon he did less than the ‘coach’ that Warne spoke about, the one which used to ferry the players to the ground. Now that actually did something useful.
    Buchy was smart enough to get the hell out before the big players retired, so you gotta grant him that. But talentwise Buchanan was the sort of millionaire who becomes one by virtue of having started off as a billionaire.

  7. Govind Raj says:

    There are lucky Umpires like Steve Bucknor and Billy Bowden. [In spite of a billion mistakes, they continued to officiate matches]

    There are lucky players like Ravindra Jadeja and Rohit Sharma. [Somehow they get selected irrespective of failures]

    There are lucky teams like Bangladesh and Zimbabwe [They just have to thank heavens to be playing with top teams.

    There are lucky people like those Chile mine survivors.

    And then there was John Buchanan !

  8. Phred says:

    Bobby Simpson was 10 times the coach Buchanan could ever be. Between him and AB, they really turned the AU team into repeat world champions.

  9. yenjvoy says:

    He certainly has a weird idea of professionalism, ethics and team behavior. If I hired a guy to build my team or help my team, the least I’d expect is for him to not start to chip away at arguably the best batsman in my lineup by many a mile, just because said batsman is going through a slump. Nobody needs to pay Buchanan to know KP is a bit of a twit and a walking ego. However, Buchie’s job is to manipulate KP’s personality quirks in order to harness the best of his talent in the team’s interests while ensuring the worst aspects do not detract from this goal. An outside consultant with little stake in a team’s success can be excused if he scores an own goal into his own goal sized mouth, but Buchie has done this before in Calcutta with the KKRs and that should have been signal enough to other potential employers never to hire this man, or at least not before trying out other master teambuilders like Shoaib Akhtar, Shoaib Malik, Mohammad Yousuf, Greg Chappell, or even Lalit Modi, any one of whom could do a far better job than this retard. DO the ECB need SRK’s number or something?

  10. Deep Cower says:

    yenjvoy, you don’t know what you are talking about. Lalit Modi as coach can make the England team lose the Ashes 5-0, and make them all billionaires so the drubbing don’t feel so bad. Name me one other person who can do that.

  11. yenjvoy says:

    Modi “made” someone other than himself and his blood relatives billionaires? He took loads of money off of gullible investors, spread a very thin layer of it around for players, and siphoned off the rest for himself, Badale, Burman and the rest of his behind the scenes cronies. Investors paid on an average 80M USD to buy franchises. Team salary cap was 5M USD. That’s less than 10% for players. Rest of it went to BCCI cronies of Pawar and Modi. Broadcasting rights went for 1B USD. None of it went to the players that people want to see on TV. Modi hogged camera time as “commissioner” and scored free p***y as a result. No player ever got rich thanks to Modi. Only Modi gets rich(er). Players just get a) used – Warne, Dravid, Dada, loads of Indian domestic players who make up the numbers in IPL teams for next to no money, or b) injured – Yuvraj, Flintoff, KP, Sehwag, etc. Modi puts the snake in snake oil salesman.

  12. Pete says:

    If Buck’s a nobody than what am I? Seriously these types of comments reveal KP to be a self important knob of the highest order. Yeah he’s a somebody, man.

  13. KP’s response to Buchanan is more like the KP of old.

    For about 18 months now he has moped around sulking and looking like John Terry had been giving his missus one, just generally feeling sorry for himself.

    He has had shit from everywhere over here lately and Buchanan is the first to really get any of it back.

    In fairness to KP, he’s not really saying anything that Shane Warne hasn’t already.

  14. knowledge_eater says:

    Calm Down people KP is going to break every barring record by making highest amount of runs merely playing flamingo drive. And When he breaks that record, somebody is going to say, I taught that.

  15. Sunny says:

    @jrod – how would you compare somebody like phil jackson with bhooka naan? i think lot of the criticisms around the latter would apply to phil: guilty of coaching excellent talent, playing mind games thru media, lovey-dovey approach.

    • jrod says:

      Sunny, Jackson had a hell of a team, but it wasn’t on top of the world when he took over. And the main players gave him a lot of credit for what happened, instead of taking the piss out of him. I’ve always assumed Jackson was more hands on than Bhooka, or he just made it look that way.

  16. The Wrong'Un says:

    I have pictures of KP dressed as Xena.

  17. Gokul Kenath says:

    John Buchanan – He is a Nobody for Everybody and Everybody for Nobody; Everybody’s Nobody and Nobody’s Everybody.

    Gokul Kenath

    Gokul Kenath from Vengody, Palakkad, Kerala, India

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