There are a lot of cocky Indian supporters out there who think they are just going to crush New Zealand because they are crap. It’s a belief grounded in firm logic.
However, no team is unbeatable, even by a bunch of semi amateur miscreants wearing black caps.
To help the Kiwis I’ve devised a blueprint on how they can beat India.
OK, so actually winning will be hard, but there are other things you can do to save face. I suggest that every press gathering be used to abuse Sachin Tendulkar. Call him a paedophile, suggest he beats old woman, say you saw him pissing on a beggar, anything you can think of that will piss off Indians so much that they ask you to leave the country. Don’t say Ponting is better than him, as that might result in death.
It has been a long time since the Raelians outed themselves as Cloners of humans. And no sports team has really cashed in on this. Think of a squad with 3 Hadlees, 2 Bonds, 3 Vettoris, 2 Flemings, 3 Sutcliffes and 2 M Crowes. Plus the Raelians claim they can clone the dead, so bring Walter Hadlee and Bob Blair back for guidance and inspiration. You could also clone a friend for Adam Parore as well.
Those sad and lonely Japanese scientists have all the technology to replicate a human, now all you need to do is amp the shit up on their right shoulder, turning them into bowling machines. Just tell the media that one of your bowlers in injured, and that you are replacing them with a 7 foot 4 sheep farmer from Wannafuk. That should explain the awkward nature of him. It doesn’t even need to be automated, just get the player with the best skills on xbox to control this monster. While you are there buy some lovely lady humanoids as well, you know, for those lonely tours.
Don’t day no, say hell yes. Embrace the performance-enhancing and enhance your shit. There must be performance-enhancing drugs that people can’t test for these days. So find a dealer and get all East German on it. And don’t give me that crap that performance enhancing drugs don’t help in cricket, pump them in your veins and then watch your miss hits go over the rope while your third testicle pops out of your neck.
Bring him back. Come to London, find his flat, bring him back to India. Ross Taylor could do it; I’ve always assumed that he would be a good spy if not one-dimensional spy. Once Lalit is back everyone will be talking about that, and how Kiwis are heroes. Getting thrashed in the series will become a very small story.
Human cannon ball
Daniel Flynn isn’t doing much these days. Take a look at him; no man is more suited to being a human cannonball than he is. So use him. Fire him at Sehwag, VVS, Dhoni, Sachin and Che before each test. The worst outcome is that Daniel Flynn won’t play test cricket anymore. And since I’m one of his 7 fans, most people won’t care. Also, human cannonballs are fun.
Obviously some of these plans are slightly flawed, but they would be fun.