How the kiwis can beat the Indians

There are a lot of cocky Indian supporters out there who think they are just going to crush New Zealand because they are crap.  It’s a belief grounded in firm logic.

However, no team is unbeatable, even by a bunch of semi amateur miscreants wearing black caps.

To help the Kiwis I’ve devised a blueprint on how they can beat India.

Sachin

OK, so actually winning will be hard, but there are other things you can do to save face.  I suggest that every press gathering be used to abuse Sachin Tendulkar.  Call him a paedophile, suggest he beats old woman, say you saw him pissing on a beggar, anything you can think of that will piss off Indians so much that they ask you to leave the country.  Don’t say Ponting is better than him, as that might result in death.

Raelians

It has been a long time since the Raelians outed themselves as Cloners of humans.  And no sports team has really cashed in on this.  Think of a squad with 3 Hadlees, 2 Bonds, 3 Vettoris, 2 Flemings, 3 Sutcliffes and 2 M Crowes.  Plus the Raelians claim they can clone the dead, so bring Walter Hadlee and Bob Blair back for guidance and inspiration.  You could also clone a friend for Adam Parore as well.

Humanoids

Those sad and lonely Japanese scientists have all the technology to replicate a human, now all you need to do is amp the shit up on their right shoulder, turning them into bowling machines.  Just tell the media that one of your bowlers in injured, and that you are replacing them with a 7 foot 4 sheep farmer from Wannafuk.  That should explain the awkward nature of him.   It doesn’t even need to be automated, just get the player with the best skills on xbox to control this monster.  While you are there buy some lovely lady humanoids as well, you know, for those lonely tours.

Drugs

Don’t day no, say hell yes.  Embrace the performance-enhancing and enhance your shit. There must be performance-enhancing drugs that people can’t test for these days.  So find a dealer and get all East German on it.  And don’t give me that crap that performance enhancing drugs don’t help in cricket, pump them in your veins and then watch your miss hits go over the rope while your third testicle pops out of your neck.

Lalit

Bring him back.  Come to London, find his flat, bring him back to India.  Ross Taylor could do it; I’ve always assumed that he would be a good spy if not one-dimensional spy.  Once Lalit is back everyone will be talking about that, and how Kiwis are heroes.  Getting thrashed in the series will become a very small story.

Human cannon ball

Daniel Flynn isn’t doing much these days.  Take a look at him; no man is more suited to being a human cannonball than he is.  So use him.  Fire him at Sehwag, VVS, Dhoni, Sachin and Che before each test.  The worst outcome is that Daniel Flynn won’t play test cricket anymore. And since I’m one of his 7 fans, most people won’t care. Also, human cannonballs are fun.

Obviously some of these plans are slightly flawed, but they would be fun.

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18 thoughts on “How the kiwis can beat the Indians

  1. MJ says:

    Presumably you mean 2 Bonds in the playing XI? I’d want to see at least 6 on the bench and a dozen in the infirmary to be sure of having enough. Otherwise this is a good plan.

  2. Deep Cower says:

    This series could be a lot more interesting if it were played in NZ. It would be fun to see Sachin playing like a total idiot for a change, poking at things he shouldn’t be poking at.

  3. Rishabh says:

    It’s a lot easier to say “no way in hell”.

  4. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Unfortunately the Indians smell East-Germanness 10 miles against the wind (Asif has more info), so this method is not recommendable I fear. Drubbing in the making…

  5. Govind Raj says:

    New Zealand have always given more problems to India than even the Aussies. Somehow they tend to get the better of Indians more often than any other teams on Indian soil. So it will NOT be a drubbing. NO !

    For all the humor in it, this post and jrod will be proved wrong by the Kiwis. Bangladesh was an aberration !

  6. Sunny says:

    its hard for the indian team to be motivated abt this series. they are already thinking abt the saffers.

  7. GbbG says:

    Logic says, it will be a hard-fought loss for the Kiwis. Heart says, Indians might be a bit too complacent..

  8. jamie64 says:

    New Zealand? You mean that powerhouse of international cricket that recently got moosed 4-0 by, um… oh, obviously some other powerhouse of international cricket.

  9. hi says:

    ross taylor and scott styris are the best nz cricketers and they will pulverize india

  10. stantswhore says:

    The fact is… Bangladesh thrashing was the part of a plan… to make the Indians complacent….

  11. Shaitaan says:

    Lissen, don’t you know know the Indian team never ever EVER just crushes the opposition? If they were playing Zimbabwe tomorrow in a Test series there would be genuine moments of panic for Indian supporters. India always plays at the opposition’s level. (Which should actually make the Aussies put their recent ‘hard-fought’ losses in perspective.)

  12. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Sachin should go out to Hamish Bennet then…

  13. A whitewash is on the cards! :P But you forgot the rain Gods! You see when India was on a rampage in home pitches(Whitewashing England and Srilanka 3-0 in 1993-94.);New Zealand escaped with a 0-1 loss as 2 matches were rain affected in the 1995-96 series.

  14. knowledge_eater says:

    There are still many way to protect testicles HGH, by the way, eating the steroidal fed meat is cheating as well. My advice to Nz. is not to be over enthusiastic while batting, and attempt to shock Zak, Sree, and Ishant. ODI is whole new ball game.

    Can Dhoni please win freaken toss for once !!

  15. Secret to make Indian batters quake in their boots at home – Left arm orthodox.

    Ray Price had a sterling series in India the last time a full strength Zim team toured.
    A. Giles for all his negativity still grabbed a few wicket the last time he toured here.
    The bloody Saffers won here when Boje was in the team.
    Heck M Clarke got 6 wickets for not much when he bowled his pansy stuff.
    This may be the reason why India is not hosting Bangladesh with their battery of left arm slows.

    Last heard, NZ had a pretty handy left arm orthodox bowler……..

    This ain’t gonna be a cakewalk, provided the Kiwi batters grow a spine and realise that they are supposed to make runs rather than make up the numbers.

  16. BenSix says:

    Impose height restrictions?

  17. Sunny says:

    kiwi cricketers can start pretending they are bookies and try to trap the indian team. the whiff of controversy will divert attention from the on-field spanking.

  18. Sun says:

    @Deep Cower we are ready to play in NZ, we recently played them there and won both the ODI and the test series.

    So what if Sachin gets out caught behind and you want to watch it(watch the previous serious replay), he has his strengths and weakness and the respect he gets from the opposition players itself speaks voulume for this accomplishments.

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