The 5 words you need to describe the Australian batting line up

A weapon that may help aspiring Australian batsmen

Old

If you were casting for a movie about this top order you could use the Space Cowboy cast to fill the team up.  The two youngest men in the top six, or top seven when Brad Haddin comes back, are 29.  Being that Australia is supposedly in a rebuilding phase, it seems odd that they are using men who in some cases have less than 12 months of cricket in them.   Time for James Sutherland to purchase some gold watches.

Shaky

Recently I built a mansion made of cards, sit it outside in Chicago and put the Australian batting order next to it, guess what collapsed first?  In their last 17 tests, 10 of those have had massive collapses or pathetic totals in them.  Nothing happens though.  It is almost as if the Australian selectors don’t watch the team bat at all. When Katich and Hussey bat together is not a bad policy for everyone.

Slow

This is perhaps the slowest batting line Australia has had since the 80s.  Now you could argue that they don’t have the bowlers to bat quicker, but batting slowly only works if you do it well.  Katich, Hussey and Paine are all slow scorers, and Clarke can be as well, so perhaps carrying these four and a 5th who averages 35 is not the smartest move.

Clubhouse

It is often said getting into the Australian side is harder than leaving it.  That isn’t so true now; the bowling line up changes with injuries often as Ricky slowly puts his bowlers to death.  Getting into this batting line up is harder than being a lesbian trying to get into the panties of Megan Phelps.  Getting out is non existent, it’s the hotel fucken California. North is being given an extended run, Hussey was given 18 months sick pay, it is hard to know what you would need to do to get dropped from this line up.  Perhaps sodomizing a goat live on TV and not running it past Cricket Australia first?

Shit

If your dog continues to fall over and pisses himself around the house, it is ok to take him to the vet to get him fixed or put down.  I know you love the dog, but the falling down and pissing are quite obvious signs that something is wrong.  Don’t wait for him to shit in your bed.  This has nothing to do with the Australian batting line up, they’re just shit.

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17 thoughts on “The 5 words you need to describe the Australian batting line up

  1. Howe_zat says:

    North isn’t shit:

    http://www.cricinfo.com/india-v-australia-2010/content/story/480291.html?CMP=chrome

    Marcus North has made cricinfo use the word “thrice”, which makes him a winner in my book.

  2. Hitesh says:

    Priceless…..”Getting out is non existent, it’s the hotel fucken California”…if this team ever had to get a theme tune right about now, the search is over..

  3. yenjvoy says:

    I was just thinking the same thing. I mean we Indians are about a couple years at most out from Tendulkar, Dravid and then Laxman retiring, but at least we have some hope in Pujara, Manish Pandey, Mukund, Rane, to some extent Raina and even Rohit if he ever gets his act together. Sehwag and Gambhir will be around for the next 4-5 years at least, and Dhoni also. I’m not writing off Yuvi as a successful Test Player either, just yet. Loads of talent there and it should be an orderly transition.

    The Aussies are ageing fast, and Ponting’s replacement, Pup, is useless. Not only that, he’s fucking Prince Charles whose mum is refusing to retire gracefully. Clarke has aged a lot, and has changed the team culture too much, so that these new players are all sort of mechanical with none of the character of iconic players like Lillee, Thompson, Merv Hughes, David Boon, Border, McGrath, Warne, Hayden etc. Ponting is the last true vintage Aussie player. After him, Clarke is a poor replacement. He was fucking joking with Dravid and Dhoni in the middle after having handed short mid-wicket a catch! Ponting wanted to fight Zack on the pitch, surrounded by Zak’s entire team! When Zack had home field advantage!! On Zack’s home soil!! That’s Australian nuts!! Boon would’ve done something like that. Clarkey is no Dog, he’s a pre-destined “pup”.

    In India its quite merit based now. You have to be a leader and take charge. Raina is being groomed under Dhoni at CSK. But Raina knows he has solid competition from at least 3-4 other tyros at any given time. After Dhoni, everyone knows that talent alone counts and you can earn the captaincy and the ridiculous amounts of cash that come with it, as long as you put in honest effort. Clarke has no apparent competition. Steven Smith is the only likely candidate now. He is a maverick talent. He could be the next best thing after Tendulkar goes. Others are all rather limp. Superb technically, fit and amazingly athletic, but boring. IPL has damaged things too. Now no one wants to bowl long spells anymore.

    Ponting is a collossus. He is the last of the Titans. And he may be playing his last Test innings on Indian soil – the next time he gets out in Bangalore could be the last chance we Indians have to watch this spirit relative of Waugh and Border walk off the pitch fuming and spitting and swearing. What a way to say goodbye mad Ricky, last of the moghuls.

  4. that last comment by yenjvoy deserves to be a post

  5. Aravind says:

    Love this site

  6. Was the Aussie batting line up this rigid always? Where are those selectors with iron balls who dared to drop the Waughs and Healy from ODIs and tests even when their performance then would put this current lot to shame? I will not buy the theory of talent not being there. This is frigging Australia. There has to be talent there.

  7. knowledge_eater says:

    sentimental comments yenjvoy but always remember as long as Cricket is alive there will be cricketers. Always. The problem with finding talent and sticking with talent is lot of very good players continue to play in domestic cricket and it is so hard to give them spot suddenly in any top teams. And once they get in to side, they have to give certain amount of time to prove themselves. And after that if they play bad and they are dropped, then it is extremely difficult to get back in to side. So, its sad reality of our only 11 players play on field. And Substitutes can only field.

    So, I say the best way to use proper talent, is to rotate players often. Proper rotation is the key to fair chance and proper building of best team. I mean some team can choose certain players for particular bowling or batting attack. In that way, sudden scare of ‘retirement withdrawal’ will reduce.

    And let’s also not forget that Cricketers don’t make enormous amount of money like some useless league footballers. They make lot of sacrifice to be cricketer and try to retain their value in the team.
    There might not be another Ponting like batsman from Australia but that doesn’t mean there won’t be any better batsman than Ponting in future. I like Tim Paine’s technique, his drives and square cuts were very impressive. Selection process and player retention are very fragile thing, that has bigger impact on Players life.

  8. Pete says:

    Corporal Klinger
    Fergie
    Uzi
    Fat Cossie

    i want to see those guys

  9. poopsie says:

    Marcus North is the next Chris Martin

  10. Govind Raj says:

    Too harsh a post by Jrod. I can’t agree.

    Marcus North isn’t VVS Laxman, agreed. He may not even be Yuveraj. But Hussey, Clarke, Watson are not ordinary players. They just have too much to live up to.

    A team like Hayden, Langer, Ponting, Waugh, Martin, Gilly, Warne, McGrath and Lee doesn’t happen overnight. These players can’t be cloned. Though I am not very fond of Aussie players because of my Indian bias, the truth is the previous generation was the god-damned best team in the world.

    Have some mercy for this generation.

    yenjvoy,

    I agree with you on a few things. But Dravid, Laxman and Tendulkar can not and will not be cloned too. All names you have mentioned will not be a quarter as good. Mark my words.

    Indian batting will not be the same the day Laxman [the youngest of the lost] hangs his boots !

  11. yenjvoy says:

    I have great hopes from Pujara and Pandey. I’ve lamented before elsewhere on the decline of the Bombay batting dynasty. After Tendulkar, no more Bombay batsman in Indian team – the last time this happened was before I was born. Rohit is neither a classic Bombay bat, nor a certainty for the future.

    As for the Aussies, no one in their current line-up can dominate with the bat in the manner of Ponting in his prime. They are all grinders. Only exception – Watson has looked good at the top and has swagger too, but his history of injuries means he’s a dodgy bet for longevity. More likely to end up with a Flintoff like career graph.

  12. we used to be a contender says:

    Fuck fucking Hilditch. When we lose the home Ashes series CA will still renew his 25-year contract. I am organising a good old fashioned lynch mob complete with torches and pitchforks for Jan 7th. Anyone wants to come with sign up at
    fuckfuckinghilditch.com.au

  13. Ram5160 says:

    We saw many talented players in the champions league- Klinger, Ferguson, Finch and several others. They all looked better than North at least. Hopefully Ponting will have some sense and will gamble with Smith over North in the next match. But he seems to trust North more than Hauritz which is funny.
    Wonder why Aussie selectors are picking so many young bowlers while the batsmen they are backing have literally no future.

  14. Ram5160 says:

    Maybe CA could hurriedly turn the Sri Lanka ODI series into a 2 test series a’la the BCCI. That would give the Aussies a chance to try some youngsters ahead of the Ashes. Sanga also complained about the fact that his side don’t play many test.

  15. @Ram5160 – Good idea. More tests please.

  16. Vim says:

    Yenvjoy, I’m an Aussie and I must admit I can’t stand Michael Clarke. I think he’s a good batsman, but I wish he wasn’t anywhere near being the next captain

    The truth is the Hilditch doesn’t watch the matches. He doesn’t watch Huss with set face and freaky eyes grinding his 20/30 runs which is all he’s good for these days or North looking like a man who doesn’t know what the piece of wood in his hand is for.

    There can be no other explanation for not giving someone else, just about anyone who’s not yet 30 will do, a shot at the bigtime.

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