Ways Australia can stop VVS Laxman

It should now be clear to Australia that there is no conventional cricket way that Australia can get VVS Laxman out when they need to.

Tim Nielsen and others will study many hours of footage, they’ll have designed software packages looking for flaws in VVS Laxman, they might even think they have found some.

They will be wrong.

For there has always been two laxmans.

One swans around world cricket, happy in the knowledge that the limelight is given to other team mates.  He plays the odd cameo innings, wooing the purists, making test cricket pretty, and just doing a good old job.

The second VVS is a mutated monster of batting with movement seaking laser death ray in his shoulders, knifes that pop out of his wrists during fights, titanium shins with blades on them and the ability to curse, fight, kill while making it look prettier than Natalie Portman.

This model only plays against Australia.

You can’t beat a mutated fighting machine version of VVS by bowling line and length, you need to come up with other ways…

Assassination

That’s right, kill the bugger.  Send Tim Paine (who would suspect him) to Laxman’s room with an umbrella with some poisonous tip and get rid of him forever.  Don’t let Ricky plan the take down though, he’ll just get Marcus North to do it, and then it will get fucked up.

Go the Chargers

Before each test give him a Deccan Chargers shirt.  It’s clearly VVS’ kryptonite.

Use Saffa accents

VVS is decidedly less of a mutated monster when he plays them, actually he is quite rubbish.  And even if he doesn’t believe that he is playing against the saffas, perhaps the comedy attempt at accents will just make him giggle where he would usually smash through the covers.

Zombies

Not real zombies, that would be silly and would cause an unnecessary apocalypse.  Fake zombies is the way to go.  When VVS is batting pay a bunch of young actors and make up artists to stage a fake zombie attack and storm the ground.  Go along with it as well to make it more real.  I bet douggie would be a great zombie attack victim.  Set up a FX crew to show him getting eaten at backward square leg. At the very worst, VVS gets scared,  best case scenario he gets in a private jet and flies to one of Sachin’s islands.

Play in Pakistan

VVS averages 37 in Pakistan.  Take him there.  Contact the PCB and ask if you can play your home series against the Indians in Pakistan, they will agree, because the idea is as batshit crazy as they are and it takes the piss out of Indians.  You might have to send an “A” side though, as we know the main side could never tour there.

Shane Watson’s sexuality

When you have a sexual behemoth like Shane Watson, it is a waste not to use him.  At every available opportunity Shane Watson should flirt with VVS.  Accidental elbows in the breakfast queue, coquettish hair twirling in his direction, forward text messages, naked photos slipped under his door, pretending to blow a stray eyelash away and appearing naked on Laxman’s bed with his genitalia partially covered with rose beads as Chris Isaak’s “ I did a bad, bad thing” plays in the background.  If VVS can make runs after that he deserves to be talked about as better than Bradman and Sachin.

If these don’t work, perhaps start saying that playing India is causing too much tension between the nations, and that you respect India too much to ruin your relationship over cricket. Respectfully withdraw from all future games.

The day he retires the decision can be reversed.

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23 thoughts on “Ways Australia can stop VVS Laxman

  1. /*Don’t let Ricky plan the take down though, he’ll just get Marcus North to do it, and then it will get fucked up.*/

    true and ricky will probably say a few words on how he backs his players to get the job done.

    /*Contact the PCB and ask if you can play your home series against the Indians in Pakistan, they will agree, because the idea is as batshit crazy as they are and it takes the piss out of Indians.*/

    man, you had me rolling on the floor there ..

  2. On the up says:

    How about getting one of Bangladesh’s 17 left arm spin clones to play for Australia. He has a shit record against them too I guess.

  3. sana says:

    yasir hameed is going to be really, really confused about your comment about vvs’s average in pakistan.

  4. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Seriously, stop making Shane Watson appear attractive on every non-existent occasion. I’m not saying it feels bad but so many things feel good and are just wrong!
    Ahh man…

  5. hi says:

    I have seen him get out bowled to Morkel, Asif, Broad etc, tall bowlers who dart the ball back into the stumps. Time to play McGrath clone, what was his name?

  6. Nick says:

    hahahahahhaahhahahahahahah cant stop laughing man lmfaoo pakistan part was the best haha

  7. Sach says:

    Jrod, I’m beginning to think you’ve got a thing for Shane.

  8. Laxman is a mutant version of G.R.Viswanath,who used to fire only against the best team of his era(West Indies.) :P
    So,the better solution for the Aussies is to come wearing Bangladesh caps on the field!:P

  9. stany says:

    JRod,
    This article is such a relief…
    It actually brought me back to CWB…!!
    Superb… even for a sachin fan!!

  10. Govind Raj says:

    Fantastic :-)

  11. You are John Buchanan and I claim my £50!

  12. Balaji says:

    @stany: Sachin fans dont appreciate satire or wot?

    Brilliant piece Jrod!!!

    I elsewhere commented the goof ups in the match! I guess after the dust settles we must explore bowling rotation, field placements, bowlers length used by Australia…

    To me they went by the black board strategy and lacked imagination completely…Running in and hitting the deck hard is all well…but i dont imagine a team trying for 90 odd balls at a tailender trying him to mis-hit to slip or short leg!!

    Whatever happened to the yorkers …cleaning up and all that..

  13. Howe_zat says:

    Jrod, only you would describe a zombie apocalypse as “unnecessary”.

  14. Sunny says:

    @balaji – although ishant had his forward defensive shot on as if it was going out of fashion, i don’t think he got a single yorker. he got a lot of balls that would have gotten better batsmen out (no wonder laxman kept at the non-striker’s end so much!) but i guess he is a just a tailender.

    @jrod – how abt a tracer bullet? send ravi instead of marcus.

  15. knowledge_eater says:

    Still they can’t because Laxman was brought up in Australia, secretly, so he knows all sacred secret of Australinism. He is Australian Dingo. He is doing impersonation of being an Indian just like Downey Jr. did in Tropic Thunder.

  16. Balaji says:

    @sunny:

    Exactly my point!! Why no yorkers? What was the captain doing when the strategy of the room is not working on the field…!!

  17. arun says:

    This was fucking hillarious.. specially the deccan chargers T-shirt part

  18. Sami says:

    Could just refuse him a runner for his phantom back pains, how come he was able to play the short ball so well?

  19. Ram5160 says:

    Having Nightmares of Laxman’s silken touch on Watson’s silken skin.
    @ Sami, the presence of the runner led to Dhoni’s run out. Unless that was part of the master plan to get Ishant to the crease, I dont see how the runner helped India’s cause. There were 2 other mix-ups due to poor calling across the 3 players.

  20. Sami says:

    To be fair it did heighten the entertainment value of his innings, hearing him shrieking at the tailenders.

  21. stany says:

    @Balaji:
    I was talking about myself…. not everyone.. or anyone else..!
    I am sorry the previous comment of mine made you feel that way..

  22. horatius says:

    Excellent work UncleJ,

    Now translate this post into lolcats, with pictures of Natalie Portman dressed as a kitteh.

  23. Vim says:

    I was trying to work out how to stop him and I couldn’t get past 1. Just kill him. It’s the only way.

    Love the bit about North though.

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