It should now be clear to Australia that there is no conventional cricket way that Australia can get VVS Laxman out when they need to.
Tim Nielsen and others will study many hours of footage, they’ll have designed software packages looking for flaws in VVS Laxman, they might even think they have found some.
They will be wrong.
For there has always been two laxmans.
One swans around world cricket, happy in the knowledge that the limelight is given to other team mates. He plays the odd cameo innings, wooing the purists, making test cricket pretty, and just doing a good old job.
The second VVS is a mutated monster of batting with movement seaking laser death ray in his shoulders, knifes that pop out of his wrists during fights, titanium shins with blades on them and the ability to curse, fight, kill while making it look prettier than Natalie Portman.
This model only plays against Australia.
You can’t beat a mutated fighting machine version of VVS by bowling line and length, you need to come up with other ways…
That’s right, kill the bugger. Send Tim Paine (who would suspect him) to Laxman’s room with an umbrella with some poisonous tip and get rid of him forever. Don’t let Ricky plan the take down though, he’ll just get Marcus North to do it, and then it will get fucked up.
Go the Chargers
Before each test give him a Deccan Chargers shirt. It’s clearly VVS’ kryptonite.
Use Saffa accents
VVS is decidedly less of a mutated monster when he plays them, actually he is quite rubbish. And even if he doesn’t believe that he is playing against the saffas, perhaps the comedy attempt at accents will just make him giggle where he would usually smash through the covers.
Not real zombies, that would be silly and would cause an unnecessary apocalypse. Fake zombies is the way to go. When VVS is batting pay a bunch of young actors and make up artists to stage a fake zombie attack and storm the ground. Go along with it as well to make it more real. I bet douggie would be a great zombie attack victim. Set up a FX crew to show him getting eaten at backward square leg. At the very worst, VVS gets scared, best case scenario he gets in a private jet and flies to one of Sachin’s islands.
Play in Pakistan
VVS averages 37 in Pakistan. Take him there. Contact the PCB and ask if you can play your home series against the Indians in Pakistan, they will agree, because the idea is as batshit crazy as they are and it takes the piss out of Indians. You might have to send an “A” side though, as we know the main side could never tour there.
Shane Watson’s sexuality
When you have a sexual behemoth like Shane Watson, it is a waste not to use him. At every available opportunity Shane Watson should flirt with VVS. Accidental elbows in the breakfast queue, coquettish hair twirling in his direction, forward text messages, naked photos slipped under his door, pretending to blow a stray eyelash away and appearing naked on Laxman’s bed with his genitalia partially covered with rose beads as Chris Isaak’s “ I did a bad, bad thing” plays in the background. If VVS can make runs after that he deserves to be talked about as better than Bradman and Sachin.
If these don’t work, perhaps start saying that playing India is causing too much tension between the nations, and that you respect India too much to ruin your relationship over cricket. Respectfully withdraw from all future games.
The day he retires the decision can be reversed.