why and how I would kill marcus north

If Marcus North and I were spies on the same side, I would kill him.

Not because I think he is a double agent, or even someone who could be flipped.

I would kill him because he cannot be trusted to perform his job.

Sure he is a nice guy, speaks well, gets his haircut in a predictable neat fashion, bowls less than shit off spin, has an “organised” game and has genuine strategic skills, but, he is not so much about the batting.

In 18 tests, 13 times he hasn’t reached 10.

Another 8 times he hasn’t reached 25.

In his over 7 innings he has done quite well.

And good for him, he was probably never really expected to make test cricket, and definitely surprised everyone with his 18 tests, but that is enough.

He isn’t quite up to it, and few are.

If Test Cricket were easy I’d be average 37 in it.

But, being nice and occasionally functional is not a thing.

It is far from a fucking thing.

It is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

This isn’t some young gun Australia are trying to give some games to so that he can grow like a rare flower in the future, he is 31.

And test after test he fails.

When he makes runs it shouldn’t be called a success, but a failure to fail.

This hurts me all the more because of all the Australian players in the team at the moment, I could see myself most likely with North on a balcony at 3am sipping whiskey while discussing socialism and it’s effect on Miike films.

But, if we were to do that now, and we were both spies, I’d have to pretend to get him some whiskey while I actually come up behind him and inject him with one of those CIA drugs that makes it look like natural causes.

I don’t want to have to do it, but Cricket Australia won’t take him out of the field, and if someone doesn’t get rid of North, I fear for my own fragile mental state.

Murder is not always the answer, but you know, sometimes it kind of is.

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11 thoughts on “why and how I would kill marcus north

  1. patgarrett says:

    Yep, North and Hussey in the middle order should make for a comfortable Ashes victory for England. Both are total shithouse.

  2. Vim says:

    When he makes runs it shouldn’t be called a success, but a failure to fail.

    Beautifully put.

    Unfortunately, having a personality and a brain has never been high on the list of desirables for Aus cricketers.

    They need to get shot of him. Find someone else to babysit the Pup while he holds the reins of captaincy in his trembling, sweaty hands.

  3. I think he’s still there because of Andrew Hilditch and Ponting’s influence. They have backed him for way too long and he’s got to go. This test series is not even 4 tests, so there’s hardly a chance to come back.

  4. Wes ~PFCNFS~ says:

    Three times Amen. But old news. Could have posted this already during the last Oz summer and then after each match again. And the Ashes were drawing closer and closer and you would hope a decision would be made in time, but he kept living on. Now it’s too late. His last summer on home soil was a complete disaster, incl his domestic performance. But he is still there, with another home summer in the national kit to come :/

  5. knowledge_eater says:

    “a failure to fail” lol

    Aus. needs proper batsman whenever they face good team. They should ignore his label of being an all-rounder, thats the only explanation I can come up with that he is still in the team.

    P.S. – the drug is most likely to work on K+ channel of cardiac muscle. Not recommended. They use that as an ‘injection kill’ for seriously disturbed criminals.

  6. golandaaz says:

    get andrew symmonds back. or is that as good as murder

  7. jogesh99 says:

    Come come Jrod, that was the most well constructed, composed duck I’ve ever seen.

  8. Matt says:

    Amen, bye bye Marcus and thanks for the few testicular innings you did play and welcome Ferguson!

  9. Lou says:

    Can you knock off Haddin while you’re about it?

    And Wes, I give up on North. This article has said it all.

  10. Jay says:

    Seriously, how does socialism affect Miike films?

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