If Marcus North and I were spies on the same side, I would kill him.
Not because I think he is a double agent, or even someone who could be flipped.
I would kill him because he cannot be trusted to perform his job.
Sure he is a nice guy, speaks well, gets his haircut in a predictable neat fashion, bowls less than shit off spin, has an “organised” game and has genuine strategic skills, but, he is not so much about the batting.
In 18 tests, 13 times he hasn’t reached 10.
Another 8 times he hasn’t reached 25.
In his over 7 innings he has done quite well.
And good for him, he was probably never really expected to make test cricket, and definitely surprised everyone with his 18 tests, but that is enough.
He isn’t quite up to it, and few are.
If Test Cricket were easy I’d be average 37 in it.
But, being nice and occasionally functional is not a thing.
It is far from a fucking thing.
It is a complete waste of everyone’s time.
This isn’t some young gun Australia are trying to give some games to so that he can grow like a rare flower in the future, he is 31.
And test after test he fails.
When he makes runs it shouldn’t be called a success, but a failure to fail.
This hurts me all the more because of all the Australian players in the team at the moment, I could see myself most likely with North on a balcony at 3am sipping whiskey while discussing socialism and it’s effect on Miike films.
But, if we were to do that now, and we were both spies, I’d have to pretend to get him some whiskey while I actually come up behind him and inject him with one of those CIA drugs that makes it look like natural causes.
I don’t want to have to do it, but Cricket Australia won’t take him out of the field, and if someone doesn’t get rid of North, I fear for my own fragile mental state.
Murder is not always the answer, but you know, sometimes it kind of is.