Hodgicide: the final cut

They gave him a chance, and he kicked its ass, but then they took it away, laughed at him and made him appear in a wine ad with Stuey MacGill.

His name is Brad Hodge; he’ll cut you to hell.

From the makers of Machete, Lagaan and To hell with Nel comes this modern day cricksploitation film starring Brad Hodge, Pat Symcox, Bill Lawry, Bumble Lloyd and an assortment of cricket’s sexiest women (Ellyse Perry, Allison Mitchell, Mandira Bedi and Aisha Linnea Akthar).

We see Hodge not long after he has been dropped from the Australian team; he is drinking whiskey and looking angry.  A suit sits next to him orders a bear and tells him that he will never play another test again.  Hodge slowly nods and slaps the guy on the back a few times, each one getting a little harder until he slams the guys throat into his beer bottle, ripping his throat in half.

With the guy slumped over the bar, blood squirting out of his throat and the barman trying to help him, Hodge just ambles out of the bar like he is on his way to the wicket.

The title comes up, “Hodgicide: the final cut”.

We then follow Hodge as he kills the all the Australian selectors.  Merv is strangled with his moustache, Boon is beaten to death with beer cans, we don’t see Jamie Cox die and Hodge uses the jaw of Hildictch’s dog as a weapon to kill him.

When he isn’t killing he is sleeping with sexy women, sharpening his weapons, or coaching underage cricketers in the square drive.

The police are after him, Pat Symcox’s role as the brutal Australian police chief is flawless, and so are the underground, with Bumble as a comically accented mob boss who wants Hodge killed for his innings in Perth against the Saffas.

Hodge is like a ghost though, being that he played no international cricket for years, no one can remember what he looks like.  At every murder sight he leaves his test match average and a witty line about what sport he should take up next.  “55.88, maybe I should take up the luge.”

A news reporter describes him as, “small, fiery, tougher than hell and with the scary eyes of an aggrieved man, if you see Hodge in the street, you won’t be able to run quick enough”.

Even with all the selectors dead, Hodge’s revenge has not ended, and after talking to his priest, Bill Lawry, he then takes after all those who went before him in the top order.

Hodge appears before Shane Watson like a ghost, and then decapitates him with a broken mirror.  He chokes the life out of Simon Katich.  Kills Michael Clarke in the shower, stopping to take a photo of it.  Attacks Phil Hughes’ throat.  Cuts Phil Jaques head straight off. And then finds himself face to face with Ricky Ponting where he questions his integrity, hard.

The final scene is the sexiest, thrillingest, bloodiest son of a bitch scene you’ve will ever see from two top order batsmen.

Hodgicide: the final cut will be out in November, follow the trail of blood to your local cinema.

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7 thoughts on “Hodgicide: the final cut

  1. Deep Cower says:

    A very funny article! And then I went over to cricinfo to read a bit about Hodge, and now I feel bad for him. It would suck to stick to a profession, be good at it, and not be rewarded. I hope he lands an IPL contract and at least makes the money he deserves.

  2. Brad Hodge says:

    Brad Hodge is the new Robert De Niro

    DC – I would make a killing in the IPL but Ganguly is a prick

  3. Anand says:

    I am a big fan of yours. You’re goddam hilarious and your views so honest and to the point. Keep up the great work .

    Cheers,

  4. tongue in cheeky says:

    Did he lick his lips before, during or after any of those killings?

  5. Advait says:

    There is only one Hodge… Luke Hodge

  6. ChuckME says:

    Wat happened in the last scene with ricky?Pls write that jrod

  7. mcphisto says:

    aisha will be EXCEEDINGLY happy to know that she is being mentioned in rather positive light on an aussie cricket blog :)

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