batting pitches are shit

Oh come on.

This is complete and utter bullshit.

Test cricket, kiddies, shouldn’t be played on pitches they only way you can get a wicket is by producing a knife.

8 wickets in 3 days?

Why even make test bowlers go through this?

Let’s get a bunch of inmates from a local prison, and make them bowl all day long so these soft batsmen can really score at a good rate.

And why bother with fielders?

Let’s just have cardboard cut outs.

Shit, we can make money off it too.  They don’t have to be human sized; we’ll have them as logos of various companies.

“Kumar smashes a four past Adidas at point.” Even Lalit could get behind test cricket then.

Because this isn’t test cricket.  As Dileep said on twitter, “If I wanted to see autopilot batting, I could play a video game.”

I’m not anti-batsmen, actually I am, the greedy little fuckers, taking every last run that is offered to them by cricket boards trying to get that amazing last day of cricket in.  Fuck them.  Bowlers are real cricketers, they don’t wear protection, they don’t get nightfuckenwatchmen, they just go out there and do the job.  The minute the pitch helps the screaming little nancy boy batsmen complain about the pitch.  It’s too fast, it’s too slow, it spins, it seams, the ball is swinging everywhere.

Shut up and bat.

That is job, save the pithy comments for the commentary box.

I hate you all.

Let’s even it up.  Make them try, you know, give them something to conquer, not giving them an escalator up a mountain and then congratulate them for fucking climbing it.

This isn’t a test for batsmen; it’s a free pass.

Look at the number of hundreds in this game, and I’m not just talking about the batsmen, I’m talking about the poor bowlers who have been viciously attacked for so called entertainment.

Entertainment is when Mahela, Kumar, Viru or Sachin make runs when the ball is doing something.  When they have to really bat, not go out and collect runs.

Instead of making stupid fucken mascot competitions, the ICC should start banning test venues for putting in pitches like this.

Actually start doing things.  You know, stop sitting around lazily in first class whinging about falling attendances, and get your hands dirty.

I know it is easier to send out a softly written memo asking cricket nations to prepare pitches that bowlers have a chance on, but if you banned a test venue for continually putting out rubbish batting decks, then you’d see cricket boards change the pitches.

A proactive decision or two could fix things, memos rarely do.

We all know that flat tracks are fawned over by Executives and CEOs the world over.  I am sure they have a day when they all meet up on the flattest pitch they can find and all masturbate all over it.  Ironically, their semen probably gives the pitch more life and the ICC have to warn it for being too bowler friendly in the future.

I forgot what I was talking about, in my head I just had the image of Giles Clarke masturbating while James Sutherland giggled in the background.

Batting pitches are shit.

Burn em.

If this didn’t make sense, hopefully this does.

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26 thoughts on “batting pitches are shit

  1. Wes says:

    Three hundred million times amen to that. The question is, why are people not getting sick of it? The way Pak-Aus kept people clinging to the edge of their seats should be encouragement enough to change something in favour of a better balance.


  2. Gigi says:

    Spot on. Self-defeating as well as it gives such a shocking example of Test cricket, on top of two great ones last week. Although if every pitch were like Headingley, Michael Clarke would be working at Ritchies.

  3. Mahek says:

    It’s an even bigger joke when there is inconsistency in judging pitches which produce similar results.

  4. Homer says:


    Seen the in stadia audience at Tests recently? People are voting with their feet. And eyeballs.


  5. knowledge_eater says:

    If you are in cloudy condition, you are gifted. No matter how flat and batting friendly pitch you have, it is going to swing, which in fact is the one of the greatest difficulty measure for batsman.

    But if you are in subcontinent, you know that play doesn’t start till 9:30 or 10:00 by that time all you have half an hour for bowlers to get swing. If you pass that then done, you are good to go for rest of day unless you make mistake. So, in subcontinent you MUST have spinning friendly track. The pitch must be spinning from day2. You don’t have cloudy/windy condition to back your faster bowler. However, in ODI/T20, subcontinent pitches Stops the speed of bowl, which actually gets more out of batsman. They often have to hit hard or they miscue shots often playing too early. BUT in test those pitches are brutal for bowlers, because batsman will wait for bowl and just easily smack it.

    It was expected that after 1st test win where (pitch was turning from 2nd day), will not be repeated, because Lankans won the first test, now if they draw it out, its not going to harm them. It is crime and it must be stopped. Its cheating and not fair cricket. If you are in country were there is this much humidity, then pitch must be turning from 2nd day. OR make it pitch like Kotla, and stop banning grounds like this.

    Ridiculous, its cheating.

  6. knowledge_eater says:

    Ohhh I almost forgot to do marketing of my self, Cricket with poop is born today. This is my first blog, I was feeling lonely, when every dumb asses were having their blog, and all they were doing was to poop little here and there and doing marketing on poor jrod’s site. Also, I can’t swear on cricinfo commenting section as well, so i decided to start my own blog. I am new to this, so I will be slow. very slow. Anyways. Have a happy Pooping

  7. Vim says:

    It would really help if the commentators didn’t go on about what a ‘good’ pitch it is before the match starts. Even the bowlers amongst them do it. Are they paid to spruik 5 day matches? I guess they are.

  8. Sach says:

    This SSC wicket used to be one of the best and fair pitches in Sri Lanka. It had a bit of bounce early on for fast bowlers, a good bounce throughout and good two last days for spin bowlers – all this while being a good pitch to bat on as well. But of late it’s gone totally useless.

    The only sporting wicket in Sri Lanka atm is Asgiriya in Kandy, but the retarded SLC officials have stopped using it for Tests. Dambulla could also be a good venue, considering it’s slow nature and lack of runs in ODI cricket, but it never is used for Tests too.

    Pathetic, to say the least.

  9. Daanisch says:

    oh man. oh god oh man. having the rule for a bouncer limit, and the minimum of 2 fielders in the leg slip area made sense when batsmen had very little physical protection. i thought with the advent of the cricket helmet body line bowling would be possible again. and if the bowler was bowling 6 bouncers an over in an attempt to knock the batsmen out the umpire would intervene, like in the good old days. and don’t get me started on limited over cricket, whoever made the free hit rule was an asshole. i mean a fast bowler comes running in to bowl and oversteps while the batsmen just stands there, now the poor guy has to go all the way back to bowl a ball that he has almost no chance of picking up a wicket with, just so that that asshole can slog freely. wow, you really uped the ante for the entertainment value of this game. It’s like the bonus round for batsmen, i mean, seriously?. And i take the “changing of the ball in the middle of the game to negate reverse swing” rule as a racial slur against us Pakistanis. Now i’m gonna go and get a hernia put in.

  10. mama jrod says:

    burning batting pitches are like burning cement floor ,aint gonna happen.

  11. Valerio says:


    Great article. I too hate batting pitches. They are a crime against Test cricket. As we can see, the leadership of world cricket is a farce, not just the ICC but most cricket administrations. The only decent pitches are in NZ, England and South Africa.

    Cricket Australia is just as clueless as the ICC, BCCI etc. They were even talking about a timeless test today, or a 6 day test, as the grand final for a cricket world championship. They are complete idiots. Give us bowling pitches you morons. Listen to the fans. Instead of having 5 * 5 day tests, lets have 6 tests with bowling pitches, that will produce the same amount of days played for the magical dollar.

    I am seriously trying to find something else to do rather than following these inane matches. And I completely agree that regardless of whether there is a result, watching 3 days of cricket for 8 wickets is a complete waste of time, I don’t care what happens on Days 4 and 5.

  12. hi says:

    it is a batting pitch because there is no Murali!

  13. Ghurram says:

    A guy has scored 8 hundreds on this pitch. Over the years. It either means that the guy is extraordinary (he is indeed classic stuff, but not as extraordinary as the Don), or that the pitch is a highway road. The second suits this case.

  14. Bottom Edge says:

    Yes yes yes yes yes – it’s all about the bowling and it always will be. As a supporter, it’s way more exciting seeing a bowler take a couple of quick wickets than seeing a batsman compile a half century.

    Batting pitches are the cancer that is killing Test cricket.

  15. AndyinBrum says:

    Any wickets taken should count triple & the runs should not be counted

  16. The only good thing for an Indian fan from this match would be the arrival of Raina on the Test stage. If his success does not spur on Yuvraj from his complacency, then nothing will.

    Is the Sri Lankan side contractually obligated to make their off spinner with an unconventional action and the doosra bowl 1/3rd of their side’s quota of overs?

  17. peghalite says:

    jrod this debacle has turned a new corner. the batsmen are claiming they are saving the poor old bowlers. read.

    “It had come down to endurance, and the need to bat as long as possible to try and prevent his bowlers from having to bowl in the humidity.”

    disgraceful. just prepare a fucking test grade pitch.

  18. Govind Raj says:

    One way to save Test Cricket is by FORCING Sri Lanka and India to prepare sporting pitches. If they continue to make these kind of constipated shit pitches, those venues should be banned.

    Other way is to play India – Sri Lanka Test Matches only in England. Anyway nobody goes to watch them these days!

    Otherwise we might live to read reports like this…

  19. MPS says:

    Its a BCCI conspiracy to kill test cricket in India! Only play tests at home or with Bangladesh/Sri Lanka. After people see Ishan Sharma play tests who’ll pay him a fuckload to play IPL?

  20. knowledge_eater says:

    And when you bat 2nd it even looks awful for batsman. Time has come to stop this dumb ploy. Must make juicy pitches now. Its must in Test match. First test even they loose one whole day, they managed to produce result. Now they won first Test, they made a shit wicket. If they make 3rd Test wicket like this… I am going to piss on Lankan board. Especially, when your bowlers are trying to boost your newbie bowlers confidence Mendis, Walagedra Herath and co. it doesn’t make sense. this shytt must get drain out of toilet.
    Otherwise E.coli and C.difficile will strike back.

  21. AntSims says:

    Knowledge eater is so full of knowledge. The mister and I were discussing this today – in a game where batsmen rule, thanks to the pitches – should we allow spinners to chuck?

  22. Dunc says:

    Add to the pitch debate the fact that everywhere apart from in England the terrible Kookaburra ball is used. It has virtually no seam and goes soft if you just look at it! Make seams larger and pitches should be prepared to be ready 2 days before the match then left as they are. This applies mostly in the sub continent of course and not in England and maybe South Africa. Also, maybe a new ball available after 60 overs not 80 overs.

  23. @ Ant Sims

    I think its time we should accept it, since bat technology have revolutionized so much, we are coming with better, bigger and lighter bat generation by generation. Its not fair if you players chicken out from juicy pitches. I mean I am not asking for them to build 5th day indian pitch. I want Juicy ness from day 2 – 2.5 after that it should be terrible to bat on.

    All I want is result in Test match. All hard work for 5 effin days and no result, because just to maintain your ranking high. Bull shit. Ohhh sorry Human shit, because bull shit is used to make fertilizer. Human shit spread E.coli.

  24. Sir Paddles says:

    If batsmen are greedy fuckers and bowlers are the only real cricketers, what does that make all-rounders?

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