Sometimes, It Pays To Be Heartless

So, the international season in Australia has come to an end, and I’m drinking to it. Not because of the unbeaten Aussie summer. Thrashing two mediocre teams is hardly cause for celebration. No, because it means the end of the most annoying experiment in cricket viewing since, well, ever.

Bloody heart rate monitors.

What, I mean what, is the point of this idiocy? The whole point of introducing any sort of technology into a sport is to make it in some way better for the spectator. HawkEye, HotSpot, slo-mo cameras, they all serve this purpose. But what is the freaking point of a heart rate monitor?

It is not as if most of us are incapable of noticing that your heart rate goes up when you are running and it is no great logical feat to suss out that it might go up a bit more if you run and then hurl a small projectile 22 yards.

And it’s not even as if they put them on the interesting players, fer chrissakes. What is the use of putting a heart rate monitor on Mitchell Johnson, unless it is to give his mother heart failure of her own? How about sticking one on Chris Gayle, so that we can tell if he is really that laid back, or just clinically dead? Or on Shane Watson, to see if he actually is 98% straw? Hell, if we are being really interesting, strap it to Steve Smith and see if he’s yet mature enough to walk past a woman on the boundary without all of the blood rushing to his groin?

No, the only conceivable use for this technology is to fix it to the commentators. Watch Mark Nicholas’ bpm rise every time he passes a mirror. Measure Warne’s excitement as a tray of pies goes by. Do what the heck you like with it, just get it off my tv screen.

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0 thoughts on “Sometimes, It Pays To Be Heartless

  1. Steve says:


    How do you know it’s gone though?

  2. Aleks Fan says:

    Or stick one up midget’s ass to see if he is keeping an eye on his personal score or team score :D

    Then whole world know what a miserable selfish unpatriot midget is :)

  3. CM says:

    I was actually eagerly waiting to see Shane Watson’s heart beat when he enters the 90’s.

  4. Jax says:

    Thanks JRod, just spluttered coffee all over my computer screen and had to explain to everyone at work what’s so funny.

    Great way to start the day, though.

  5. AJ says:

    No, I learnt from it that Kemar Roach will have heart troubles, got to 199 BPM, his maximum, haha.

  6. Mama jarod says:

    I think the poor thing alex needs some professional help and his fan too needs it.

  7. damiths says:

    This hasn’t had much sex….um..success.
    .-= damiths´s last blog ..we went to a game and told cricinfo all about it =-.