Paul Collingwood is a mezzo-soprano

I sing in a choir, and it has recently struck me that cricket teams and choirs are in fact very similar.

Both rely on a combination of teamwork and individual skill.

Both contain divas and plodders.

In both, you can be fat and still perform at an international level.

Neither group should be let loose in a room full of alcohol.

In both groups, there are a few individuals who will misbehave badly when on tour (of which, the less said the better, thanks).

The parallels run deeper than that though. The individuals bear certain common characteristics.

The opening batsmen: soprano. The most easily defined role. Rarely has to adapt to a crisis.

The no. 3 batsman: Steady, musically accurate soprano, in the choir for their ability to steady the ship when it’s going astray.

The no. 4 batsman: hochdramatisch soprano. Usually gets the solos, good ones are one of the rarest voice types, rarely develop until after about age 28. Doesn’t always blend well with others.

The middle order bat: the body of the choir sopranos, work ok together but individuals rarely stand out. No solos.

The bits-and-pieces dibbly dobbly player: mezzo soprano. Everyone is a bit mezzo soprano. It’s the variations at either end of the range that are rarer and more highly prized.

The wicketkeeper: the high tenor. Often too loud, often short.

The medium-pacer: trusty unspectacular alto, put in that position because they happen to be able to do it, does the same thing all day, little variety.

The mystery spinner with the suspect action: castrato (no balls)

The no. 8: the occasional countertenor. Professes to be able to sing more than one voice part, but you very rarely find one who does both to a good enough standard.

The fast bowler: bass-baritone, plenty of testosterone but agility in the upper register too.

The leggie: I understand from The Jrod that leggies are the real men, so the leggie must therefore be the deep Rachmaninov bass. A hit with the ladies, and performance is positively enhanced by late nights and drinking.


0 thoughts on “Paul Collingwood is a mezzo-soprano

  1. Kym says:

    A well-made case indeed. Although I do hope the castrato is an historical reference only. Do you have it on anyone else’s authority that leggies are the real men? Stuart MacGill, anyone?

  2. Ceci says:

    I do like this analogy, for Harmy can not only be my favourite fast bowler but he can be my Figaro too”Pronto a far tutto,la notte e il giorno”Hurrah!

  3. mel says:

    Love this! What about the conductor?

  4. Miriam says:

    I think the conductor is the chief selector. – wields power- probably can’t perform at the highest level themselves anymore- choices of soloists are often marred by favouritism