Ask agony uncle

This is the first in the Agony Uncle series. Where we try and help a cricketer in need.


Hope you can help me, seems I have developed some performance anxiety issues when trying to consume my relationship for the 100th time. What is your advice? Please help me.

Dancin’ Man, Surrey.

Thanks for contacting us Dancin’ Man, we will do our best.

It was easy for you. Very few have ever done it better or more often. You breezed through it for so long. Now you are about to make it to a huge milestone and every one is talking about you and your prowess.

Suddenly, all these paranoid thoughts come to mind. What if I don’t do it right? What if Graham Gooch wants me to come to his house? What if I don’t last long enough? What if I turn into Graeme Hick? What if there is no climax? Then before you know it, things go completely awry.

And thus begins the vicious cycle, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will, because this one time leads to other discouraging thoughts: Oh my God, what’s wrong with me? Is it going to keep happening? I really am a horrible lover and batsman… Stop it, NOW!

what’s happening here?

Performance anxiety is a very common problem in which men (and yes, even batsmen) acquire brutal anxiety when it comes time to engage in strenuous activity. What ultimately happens is that you become so fully engrossed in the fear of the inability to perform, that it ends up overtaking what should’ve been a spontaneous flow of cover drives.

The fear of not being able to perform sexually can affect guys in a variety of ways:

• They tend to avoid sexual encounters
• They can develop low self-esteem
• The lack of scoring ability
• The career may deteriorate
• Unable to put away balls on the pads
• It can lead to sexual dysfunction
• It can lead to piss taking posts written about them

But you know what? That’s not the way things have to be. The mind is a very powerful tool and today you’re going to learn how to use it to not only maintain an erection, but be the batsman your county always knew you could be.

take a look inside

Stress can stem from anywhere: your family is getting on your nerves, reality TV shows, the fact everyone one in the country with a key board has written about your special occasion, Mark Butcher, your team is about to be relegated, Patrick Kidd won’t stop calling you… you get the general idea.

The fact that these things are weighing heavily on your mind is deterring you from delving into your experience at the crease with no holds barred. And once you’re able to leave all the muck on the outside and let the pitch be your sanctuary, you will finally overcome your performance anxiety.

If you are having trouble with your sexual performance please go to Ask Men.

If you are having trouble making your 100th 100, just make it already.

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0 thoughts on “Ask agony uncle

  1. Ceci says:

    Ooer uncle – shall link you into the Rampant wimmen….

  2. Jrod says:

    Ceci, are the stampeding masses on their way?

  3. Ceci says:

    They’ll be rustling their pinnies and pursing their lips at you – but fortunately they are a shy and retiring lot so you are quite safe!

  4. mel says:

    Surrey have missed a trick by not hiring Jeremy Snape, for I believe that he is officially the new cricket viagra.

  5. Jrod says:

    Are you saying you are not enough Mel?

  6. Miriam says:

    Maybe she’s TOO MUCH excitement, and Ramps has been distracted by her, and put off his batting.

  7. mel says:

    It is perhaps telling that I saw him score several of his hundreds last season, but his dip in form has co-incided with my being unable to witness a Surrey Championship game thus far in 2009.Either that or he’s got the hump after finding out about my lust for Graeme Swann.

  8. Bev says:

    Who are you calling shy and retiring Ms Ceci ? Hmm Mel , not a bad idea there . Though Jeremy is helping the Saffers to ensure their drooping bats stand proud and erect !

  9. Jrod says:

    Jeremy Snape as viagra for South African’s is just not a good mind image.