Keegan Meth is perhaps the greatest name I’ve heard in a week, maybe longer.
And then this happened.
Yes, that is is tooth, where is the superslowmo camera and crappy classical music when you need it.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with Zimbabweans …
Eddo Brandes’ pads
I still can’t believe that no one has bought Eddo’s pads.
I’m disappointed in you all, and myself.
balls profile: Elton Chigumbura
Has become the Zimbabwe captain despite the fact he is a non bowling all rounder (by non bowling I don’t mean he doesn’t bowl, I mean he shouldn’t). Hits the ball very hard, I assume because everyone is sledging him because of his name. One of his great ambitions in life has always been to play county cricket. Fair to say he lacks ambition. Should be the poster boy for minnow powerhouse hitting, and maybe even an IPL back up in the near future. Is Eninem’s favourite cricket.
John Howard carries his bat
I really thought one photo would be enough on this issue, but I was wrong.
The ICC train wreck needs at least last look before we all go off and do something far more important, like shaving neighbourhood cats.
The Australian Mistake:
It was great thinking to pick John Howard over a better candidate with more experience in the field from a country that has never had an ICC president. Malcolm Speed said that this was a political move by the other countries to block Howard. Fuck me, what goes on in the Cricket Australia office if they think others were making a political move when they picked a politician? Cricket Australia out gunned New Zealand because they wanted a man who would shake things up and give them some muscle on the world stage. It backfired because the man they picked is pretty well despised everywhere. Officials in Australia are now saying that Howard was rejected because he was going to upset the apple cart of the dodgy bastards already in there. If that is true, think about how stupid Howard was for that job. Australia put up a man to upset people in the future who had already upset people in the past. It gave said dodgy bastards cover, didn’t it? Cricket Australia are saying how proper mad they are right now, well they should be, at their own general stupidity at thinking that Howard would ever get an easy ride. I said on twitter that Asia and Africa would try and block this from the moment Howard was announced, how could some bum like me sitting on my couch in London work this out when Cricket Australia couldn’t?
The Zimbabwean Mistake:
There is no way you can really be on Zimbabwe’s side here, because it means you are essentially on the side of a brutal crazy genocidal dictator. Zimbabwe seems to be getting better as a country over the last few years, but if they are going too get prickly with countries or world leaders who called Mugabe a fucktard they will spend more of their time being indignant than they will actually helping the country. There are now stories about Howard dissing Mandela and bring up his previous voting records on Apartheid, that is all retro fitting nonsense, Zimbabwe’s problem was Howard getting involved in the tour that Stuart MacGill essentially cancelled by not going. South Africa jumped on board because that is what voting blocs do.
The everyone else mistake:
I could not think of a human being I want less involved in cricket than John Howard, and my list includes Gary Glitter, Delta Goodrem, Dubya Bush and Kim Jong-Il. That said, two cricket nations had the choice of picking their candidate for the job, and they picked the man. From there he should have been vetted by all parties, given a chance to state his case and then had his ass kicked out. This was a witch-hunt. And not even a fun witch-hunt where various cricket boards dunked him in water to see if he floated. It was a rumour and bullshit exercise. The explanation given was by Haroon Lorgat, “The ICC Board does not have to give reasons”. The ICC also does not have to function properly, but we’d like them too. Then Pawar said, “There are no political connotations to this decision.” It takes guts to say a line like that. If, like those angry Australians are saying, that this was a move to make sure that Australia did not get too much power and upset the already shady balance of power in the ICC, then we are all lucky that the ICC is such a shambolic group so that it can never use its evil powers to full effect.
The John Howard mistake:
Getting involved in the first place. He had to know that at best this was going to be more shit than he needed after getting out of politics at 70, and at worst another embarrassing loss in an election. I’ve never truly understood John Howard, he is some Political rodent who seems to need to be in the game at all times. He was Australia’s second longest serving prime minister, surely he should be sitting around jacking him self off to that, instead he feels the need to go from the shit storm of Australian politics to the brain fuckery of the United Nations of cricket. Now, after getting shafted royally he has decided to stay on. He is like one of those annoying opening batsmen who are 43 not out in the second innings after following on 300 runs behind. His side are 8 wickets down, but he won’t hit out and make it exciting, instead, even though he can’t win the game or make a hundred, he is going to sit around and just annoy everyone watching.
Perhaps the ICC would work better without a President. The new president is part time, lets make the next one, casual, and the one after that a pot plant.
No one can object to a pot plant running the ICC, it feels like that has been happening for years anyway.
Ray Price Wins
I’ve seen not one ball of the incredibly important series of One Day Internationals that Zimbabwe, Sri Lanka and India played in.
All I know is that India kept losing, Sri Lanka lost a few times, and Zimbabwe won.
And by Zimbabwe, you know I mean RAY PRICE WINS.
When Ray Price wins, the whole world wins.
Middle aged men who have spent their whole life paying the bills, ageing poorly, growing ear hair, crushing the dreams of the young and clogging up the establishment now have an angry psycho spinner to be proud of.
Price is the answer to middle age crisis the world over.
He should be sent from golf course to Rotarian club to suburban BBQs to whatever else guys who look like him do.
Price could change the whole world.
So many people have to work for middle aged men who use their power to ruin your life, but with Ray as their inspiration they would be liberated.
Some would start releasing middle aged folk rock albums.
Others would start using back packs.
Millions will be freed.
I am even sure some would take up slow left orthodox in honour of the great man.
If Ray Price can beat the might of India and the coolness of Sri Lanka, what can’t middle aged men do?
For years middle aged men have been holding society back with their sensible hair cuts and mid range sedans.
Thanks to Ray Price that will all change.
Nay sayers will point out that it wasn’t Sri Lanka and India that Ray beat, just second stringers who wore their shirts.
Others may even try and point out that Ray didn’t have a great series or that the tournament final has not been played.
Don’t listen to them middle aged men, Ray is here to save you, and if he can win a cricket tournament for Zimbabwe, just think what he can do for you.
We believe in Ray Price.
So should you.
the world t20 team report card
Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.
They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.
Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.
Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.
Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.
Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.
England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.
Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.
India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.
Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.
Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.
Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.
New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.
A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.
Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.
Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.
South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.
These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.
Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.
Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.
West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.
The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.
Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.
They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.
The World T20 Thingy (Chapter 5)
Now that the teams are all miss represented in the earlier posts, let me talk about the pitches.
It seems that the best way to describe them is slow (Barbados), slower (St Lucia)and slowest (Guyana).
Now that bother some people, but having seen the carnage these awkward pitches gave for Zimbabwe and the West Indies I can’t wait to see more of it.
I’m hopeing the top team score for the tournament is 137, and that defending 120 becomes a cake walk.
I can think of nothing better than Paul Collingwood becoming unplayable and Michael clarke bowling his maximum alloted overs. India have clearly made a tactical error by not picking Virat Kohli.
Australia and South Africa have come in with attacks that rely heavily on fast bowling, so that should be interesting.
Of the three best IPL bowlers, two aren’t playing here, in Ojha and Bollinger, if Shaun Tait continues his IPL form, Bollinger’s omission will be painful. And Ojha’s omission hurts as I have just started stalking him and his wonderful flight on twitter.
Now that Zimbabwe have beaten Australia and the world’s best T20 side in their warm ups, they surely need to be warm favourites for the tournament.
Won’t it make the World T20 all worthwhile if Ray Price is bowling the last over to Kieron Pollard in the final.
Then Ray Price could do the talk show circuit, release a single, and sign up for a naked photo shoot.
Although his fame would be short lived, as I think there is a World T20 thingy scheduled for 6 weeks time.
The World T20 thingy (chapter 4)
Sri Lanka
In a startling case of Sri Lanka imitating South Africa, Sri Lanka have also come into this tournament with several of their players in shocking form. Unless they were all playing shit in the IPL as a silent protest.
Can they win?
Kumar looks flat, Jayawardene has lost some zest, Dilshan lost all form, Mendis only good against less pigmented sides and Murali reaching twilight mean that this is not a great T20 side at present. That said they have more T20 match winners than pretty much any other side. Malinga and Mathews only need one or two others to match them and Sri Lanka come flying back in. Can’t see it right now.
Players to watch or not
Angelo Mathews first proved that he did not exist during the last word T20, this time he might prove that not only does he not exist, but that he doesn’t exist even in theory.
Watching Mendis bowling to people who have worked him out one day, and those who haven’t on other days should be a highlight.
West Indies
The West Indies side is always looking cobbled together, but the cobbled together side went all the way to the semi finals last time before falling to a Sri Lankan who doesn’t exist. Brendan Nash has not been selected for this squad.
Can they win?
Roach, Taylor, Benn, Miller, Pollard, and Bravo with the ball. Gayle, Pollard, Bravo, and Deonarine with the bat. I likey. It could all fall apart in a screaming heap, but I’d like my name to be on that heap and say that the team who recently lost to Zimbabwe could win the whole thing. It will take a massive effort from Gayle and Bravo, massiver than massive, even, but I think this squad has every thing it needs, and Gayle’s knock in the world T20 semi last year convinces me he takes this shit seriously.
Players to watch or not
Nikita Miller is the West Indian Nathan Hauritz. Take that as good or bad depending on your preferences.
Kieron Pollard will likely still be angry from Mumbai hiding him at 8 in the IPL final. I wouldn’t want to be a cricket ball that was bowled to him.
Zimbabwe
Remember them? They’re back. A whole bunch of blokes who were good in the late 90s are there with them as well. And Ray Price, who first played for Zimbabwe in the 1890s, is their star.
Can they win a game?
They’re taking on Sri Lanka and New Zealand. If Pakistan or Australia were there, they’d be a better chance. But taking on two teams who don’t lose to minnows much as they know what it is like to be one. I’d say they won’t, but they are probably the best minnow in this tournament.
Players to watch or not
Elton Chigumbura is one of their few batsmen who can really send the ball a long way, and I see him as the sort of batsmen who enjoys doing just that.
Graeme Cremer is my leg spinner to watch, he doesn’t spin the ball a great deal, but I enjoy his wrong one.
Kemar Roach cracks wood
Due to time zones and sky programming, I’ve been watching the Zimbabwe tour of the Windies instead of the Australian tour of New Zealand.
This explains the Ray Price love.
Until tonight Zimbabwe have been kicking ass, but they still don’t like facing Kemar Roach.
This is probably not the best ad for Grey-Nicolls.
Cheers to ducking beamers for this.
The hustling Ray Price
I suspect I am not the only person who has noticed that finger spinners are taking over the world.
Daniel Vettori has annex New Zealand. Shakib Al-Hasan is turning himself into a minnow Keith Miller. Graeme Swann was struggling to fill the dodgy back bar of dodgy pubs 2 years ago, now he can fill stadiums. Paul Harris is perhaps the freakiest freak ever, and he takes wickets. Nathan Hauritz is Nathan Hauritz, and no one can take that away from him. And now even the ICC is being handed to a rubbish offspinner.
This is a plague of finger spin.
I’ve never truly trusted finger spinners as a breed. It seems to be the skill everyone thinks they can do, even without any real talent. I can’t see why anyone would choose finger spin knowing that wrist spin exists.
But, finger spin has its use.
It may bring us Harris and Hauritz, but there are no other cricket skills that someone like Ray Price could excel at.
And cricket needs its Ray Prices.
If the game was too sterile to have a middle-aged maniac who bowls little more than Darren Lehmann doorknobs, but with more natural aggression than Shaun Tait, then I want none of it. .
Price has that special gift that makes what he does look so easy that you could do the same. It is easy to say, “If I wasn’t some lazy fat bastard with three children and two ex wives I could be bowling rubbish off spin and taking wickets.”
Maybe in your heart you’d know it wasn’t true, but Ray’s genius seems genuinely within your grasp, if only you could get off the couch.
There is something in him, some weird burning passion, some mental disturbance, some chemical imbalance, that means he strangles a cricket game until he gets out of it everything he wants.
Rubbish off spinners aren’t supposed to sledge when they are bowling, they aren’t supposed to mock opposition batsmen or get in their face. They are supposed to go about their job in the least assuming way there is. No strutting, no cockiness, no posturing, no words. Just get through their overs as quick as their hairless bodies will allow while trying not to fuck up the match for the real bowlers.
Not Price.
He is a spitting angry barbarian with the ball in his hand; even if the balls come out like fairy floss. It is almost like no one has told him he bowls off spin.
And Price isn’t some young buck pissing vinegar; according to cricinfo he is 33. I wouldn’t want to doubt Price’s age, but his face has that lived in aesthetic, as if a tiny family of 12 have been there since he was 5.
When you put this altogether you have the angry sweary minnow grandfather of offspin bowling.
One day, when he is too old to be the world’s second best ODI bowler, I hope he just travels the world visiting local cricket nets and hustling young whipper snappers out of their hard earned by saying, “I’ll give you 5 to 1 that you can’t hit me back over my head”.
