Tagged with world T20 …

May 18 2010
12 Comments
poms

Andy Flower the Professional

That England deserved to win the World T20 Thingy is beyond doubt.

India can’t get their excuses right, South Africa’s retirement squad struggled, Sri Lanka had no form, West Indies waited for Gayle, Sri Lanka waited for Mahela, New Zealand under performed even for them and Australia were out played.

England was organised, worked hard, had no passengers, they got away with Wright at six and they played very sensible cricket when chasing targets.

That England did all this is the most surprising.

I saw them play in Stanford’s game under KP. That was less than 2 years ago.

I saw them lose to Holland. That was less than a year ago.

And I saw Abdul Razzaq smash them all around the ground this year.  This year.

But Flower is some coach.  England has no champions in any of their teams, they have class players, role players and people who should be cut looses, yet since he took over they keep getting better.

They have the Ashes, managed to draw with South Africa in South Africa, got to the semi finals of the Champion’s trophy and now have won the world T20 thingy.  They fight hard to win, and even harder to draw.  When looking at the stats and the end of series you can never understand how they won, but they do what is necessary.

They are a depressingly well drilled unit, everyone just does their job, no one steals the limelight (since Freddie left), and if one player is down it seems that more often than not there will be 9 or 10 others that will cover them all.

Good coaches leave impressions on their sides.  This team is the embodiment of Andy Flower right now.

Hardworking, mentally tough, compact, efficient, strong and better than you expect.

Flower is now the best coach in world cricket, and his team is now a genuine contender rather than the punchline they were before.

It is not hard to respect the man, he played in a cricket team who would have struggled to beat grade cricket sides if it were not for his stubbornness, he did his best to recruit overseas players to Zimbabwe just so they side had a spine and he then stood up to a dictator.

Flower did also play for South Australia, but no one is perfect.

While KP was man of the series and Kieswetter man of the final, Flower is the man of English cricket right now.  English cricket might not have been the sleeping giant that Indian cricket was, but it was a large lumbering idiot walking around and drooling on itself.

Flower saved it from itself; he was the Leon to its Matilda.  A fatherly figure from a different land who does things his own way but knows how to teach the skills he learnt.  Although that makes England Natalie Portman, but in this tournament they probably deserved to be.

I never thought England would earn a Natalie Portman from me for a performance in a white ball tournament, but andy Flower probably never thought he’d be compared to Jean Reno.

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May 17 2010
19 Comments
aussies, poms, world twenty20

England beat up Clarke

I’m not sure what kind of kid Michael Clarke was, but I doubt he was a brawler.

He looks like the sort of smooth adult that was also like Teflon in the play ground.

Perhaps people tried to abuse him, but he probably had team mates from various sporting teams who would step in for him.

Plus the teachers probably kept on eye on their golden boy, don’t want the local cricket star being found dead behind the portables.

With all that in mind yesterday was probably the first real beating he has ever taken.

And he was beaten, hard.

It was public too, while everyone was at lunch, crowded around as Clarke didn’t even try to defend himself.

He just sat there been moved by the force of England’s blows.  He was more a punching bag than a fighter.

There was nothing he could do to stop it, so perhaps he thought by hitting himself a few times he might confuse England and gain some respite.

Instead it just made the English beat him up harder.

Finally his lifeless body was put out of it’s misery well earlier than anyone had thought possible.

Battered and bruised he will be returned to Cricket Australia, who may not want him anymore.

I thought Clarke was unlucky, Kieswetter won the man of the match award, but surely no one did more for England’s victory than Clarke did.

The only good news for Australian cricket was that this might mean Australia don’t automatically turn to Clarke when they need their next captain, they might actually look at who would be the best captain, and not just the guy who speaks to media without saying anything and who grooms himself well for photoshoots.

England were nerdishly efficient and brutal on Australia all day. They still had some great luck, dropped catches finding other fielders, Haddin caught of the hip, but surely there biggest slice of luck was that Clarke was playing.

Swann and Collingwood are lucky their team won, because conspiring to get Clarke out could have been the worst thing either of them had ever done.

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May 17 2010
8 Comments
aussies, world twenty20

Australia win the t20 thingy

I cannot believe Australia won.

To defend such a low total, wow.

The batting might have been poor, but the bowling was outstanding.

The fielding was even better.

But special credit must go to the captain, what a special effort.

I have never been so proud.

Shame the men played like a team of busted assholes.

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May 16 2010
3 Comments
aussies, poms, world twenty20

Why the English can’t lose

My retort to Daniel’s character assassination.

According to Daniel, test match sofa is an anarcho-syndecalist commune. This is his way of coming across as the lovable uncle you wish you had. When Ahmer was heart broken it was Daniel who comforted him, but not because he cares about Pakistanis (he rates all former colonies the same way, like that thing he found on his boot) but because he knows that appearing to be on Ahmer’s side will win him more fans. Test match sofa is not an anarcho-syndecalist commune it is a fascist dictatorship where he regularly beats the other commentators, especially Tom. His leadership style is styled on Lady Thatcher and Groucho Marx with a touch of Genghis Khan thrown in.

Even though Dan clearly sees himself as superior to most other people, he does share several traits with other English supporters, the “can’t lose” attitude. I don’t mean “can’t lose” in the way an Indian supporter who has the Indian flag painted on their face thinks can’t lose, I mean the way English supporters build themselves an emotional bunker so that no matter the result they end up winners.

Dan has already proclaimed that Australia will crush England. So if Australia crush England, he can say, “see I told you so, I’m pretty clever”. If England wins, he can streak naked through the streets of Tooting screaming about the power of the Empire. Either way, Dan is the winner. And this sort of defeated undefeatable loserism is how English fans shield themselves from ever having to look at their own ineptitude in sport.

I, on the other hand, believe Australia should win because they are the better side. I’ve studied this match with the asexual eagerness of a young Mike Hussey, and while I think England are a very cohesive unit, Australia should have the fire power with bat and ball to beat them.

When Australia does win, it will be the greatest win in the history of organized sport, over coming adversity, impossible obstacles and Bangladesh. . No team has overcome so much (including the Michael Clarke handicap) to be victorious.

If, and this is purely hypothetical, Australia do lose, it will be Michael Clarke’s fault. Because England couldn’t possibly play better than Australia to win.

Obviously.

Either way Dan wins, because he has chosen both sides as usual, like a proper Englishman should.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

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May 16 2010
2 Comments
aussies, pakistanis, poms, world twenty20

The Tzar of Test match sofa speaks

Dan from Test Match Sofa had some things to say about today’s final.

On Friday I watched the bewildered eyes of fellow commentator Ahmer widen, fill with embryonic tears and slam shut to block out the piercing light shining from Jarrod’s triumphant teeth and I was filled with a fearful dread. Finally Ahmer composed himself and said softly “why are they always such bastards?” It was impossible at this moment to know whether he referred to Australia, who had just, unimaginably from their parlous position, stolen Ahmer’s moment of glory, or his own players who had made him believe and then coshed him over the head with the stinking, putrefying wombat of reality. “God must have many places for Pakistani fans in heaven, because he puts us through hell on earth” was his ultimate summation. And then I realised it was my turn next.

Today England take on the Aussies. They’re in better form than the Pakistanis were. They are brilliantly coached, able to adapt their game to different conditions, as their stunning wins in both St. Lucia and Barbados attest, and have no pressure on their shoulders. Why shouldn’t we dream? We’ve won one of our two ODIs against them (albeit after losing the previous 6). Of all the teams in the tournament we probably relish fast bowling the most. We’ve got the bloody Ashes for heaven’s sake.

But believe me it’s not as simple as that. If you’d seen the encroaching smugness gather from the third last over of that semi on Jarrod’s widening chops. If you’d seen him lean ever so slightly further forward as the penultimate over yielded a succession of 2s, keeping Hussey on strike. If you’d watched with resignation and terror as he leaned back in his armchair, overwhelmed by a grin so mammoth his eyes disappeared into the flabby contours of his ecstatic face as the final apocalyptic six sailed over the mid wicket boundary, you’d know there is no hope. They always win. Because, Ahmer, they are always such bastards.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

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May 15 2010
18 Comments
aussies, pakistanis, world twenty20

Pakistani fan suicide kit and Molly Ringwald, all because of M Hussey

“Take a dash of Saeed Ajmal.

A Michael Hussey.

Make sure you mix both with a game that for the first time in a long time Pakistan can win.

It helps if the game is a final, especially one that Pakistan have dominated from the third over in the first innings until the 18th over of the second innings.

Then just fly a plane over Pakistan and drop a bunch of razor blades.”

It is just that simple.

Had Australia lost, the Australian suicide kit would have been simple, just a copy of Michael Clarke batting on a loop, and then the Australians would have broken their own necks.

Instead it is Pakistanis who are thinking of offing themselves, and with good measure.

The Pakistani team didn’t just lose, they broke up with their fans last week, then wooed them back with romantic gestures and a promise of a beautiful life together.  Then they only go and sleep with 3 transsexual prostitutes the night before the wedding.

It was more than tragic.

There is something special about Pakistan.  They don’t just lose, they take it to a whole new level, some sort of Greek tragedy directed by Takashi Miike.

48 runs from 2.5 overs with 3 wickets in hand.  You shouldn’t lose a game of cricket from that position, you shouldn’t lose with a ball to spare, you just fucken shouldn’t.

Mike Hussey’s form was wrist splittingly good.

60 off 24 balls.

Even when he was a statistical anomaly he would have struggled to do anything this good.

Ofcourse there was the normal ice cold finish and the eager beaver twos, but the sixes.

Oh the sixes. Everyone was a punch to a Pakistani kid’s grandmother, in the throat.

There were so many sixes. I gave up counting, but I am sure the average grandmother took some hell of a beating.

In the past I’ve had a fair bit to say about M Hussey, mostly about his test form, well, almost exclusively about his test form, but this was fucking amazing. For a player to step up and do that at that stage in a semi final was just off the charts. Ofcourse he may have kept his test spot for life and ensured that Michael Clarke is the next Australian captain. But his heart was in the right place.

I was so excited I was going to give him a Natalie Portman, and I only give them out for truly special performances, but I didn’t think Mike Hussey would be a fan of Portman.

So here is a Molly, as I see her as more his style.

Well done Mr Hussey, today you have ended the life of many Pakistani fans and inspired me to give you a Molly Ringwald.

Look how happy Molly is, she has always said that while Saeed Ajmal is a good bowler, he can be hittable at times.

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May 11 2010
7 Comments
world twenty20

Mendis suffers ultimate embarrassment

There was a time when a white batsman facing Ajantha Mendis would involve, a lot of nervous nudges, edgy singles and then an embarrassing bowled slash LBW as the batsman tried to break the shackles.

There was a time before that when the subbie batsmen and Windies batsmen were the same.

At one stage only the true prophet Sehwag could play him.

It was if all of life’s mysteries were wrapped up in the elegant fingers of Mendis and while the rest of us tried to think about a way to play him, the Lord just smited him.

Now it is all unraveling for Mendis.

According to Iain O’Brien his carom ball and wrong one are fairly easy to pick from the hand.

But that is not the worst bit.

The worst was when Cameron White failed to pick his wrong one. What should have happened was a couple of nervy deliveries later White played an ugly slog and Mendis picked up another easy wicket.

Instead the Big Bear got cave man on Mendis. He took 34 off 16 balls, and it was only a brilliantly madcap field placing by King Kumar, putting Dilshan directly behind the bowler, that slowed White down.

It wasn’t that White even seemed to be picking Mendis, it was that he didn’t care what Mendis bowled, he was just trusting his eye and hitting the ball a long way.

It was brutal and easy. After that one wrong one White never truly looked in trouble, but a few people in the crowd and the camera man certainly did.

Watching the Australian top order struggle against Randiv, a fairly faceless innocuous type spinner, Mendis would have been quite excited.  He probably thought he could cash in with a few wickets and start to restore his career a little.

Instead he was beaten up.  And by Australia, who seem to make the most simple spinner look good.  That must have embarrassed Mendis especially after the way Australia’s two best players of spin, Clarke and FFPM David Hussey, went out.

Since originally saying Mendis would be worked out, I have said that he either bowls like Chris Harris to batsmen who know him, or Jim Laker to those that don’t.

With the way Australia play regular spin of late; you’d say that they were going to be the last to work him out of those who have faced him. England still haven’t played against Mendis, but he might not be around long enough to ever play them if he keeps having days like he did against White.

Although even without mystery he might still confuse England.

With no real spin or flight, Mendis is less mystery and more a fading curiosity. Like Winona Ryder.

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May 09 2010
14 Comments
world twenty20

Why cricket needs Lalit Modi

Today England have to let go KP so he can rush home to watch his popette wife can deliver his spawn.

I’ve written before and International cricketers’ WAGs needing to fit their gestation into the Future Tours Program.

Sadly, they have not listened and Mrs KP is now going to produce her little KP during a ICC tournament.

Instead of making a big deal about it, the ECB are handling it with properness and decorum.

This is obviously the wrong way to handle it.

For one, KP is being allowed to go home.

KP is box office.  People love to see him fail and make runs.  People love the drama he brings with every slightly nerdy red bull run. He is England’s franchise player.

By allowing him to go home they are robbing themselves of him for at least one game, which might not seem like much, but during a tournament as jam packed as this one, it needs as much KP as you can squeeze in.

This is how I believe Lalit would handle the situation.

KP would never be allowed to go home.

Instead Mrs KP would be flown out, on a private plane, to barbados.  The camera crews would be tipped off as to when she was traveling over, so that there were heaps of shots of her and her team of medical professionals (good looking Indian Doctor and team of 6 blonde nurses).  For the next few hours news stations would be showing these clips on a loop.

Then Mrs KP and the team arrive and are hidden away amongst much secrecy.  Hopefully by this time the private jet, sexy medic team, shots at the airport in London have whipped the media into a frenzy.  I could imagine Sky Sports Tim Abraham outside the team hotel saying, “We’ve been informed that Mrs KP is fine, but there is still plenty of Mystery around as to why Mrs KP has been flown over. Some of the more out there conspiracy theories is that the team are to eat the placenta in a team bonding exercise.”

On twitter Lalit could have laughed off that.

Instead what Lalit does is organise a tent to be out on the ground, a medically sound tent, so before England’s next match Mrs KP can be cesarianed on the ground, for decency and medical reasons it will be not be shown to the crowd.

After she has given birth, the baby will be suitably cleaned and attired.

Then KP shall exit the tent, him wearing his English kit, the baby in a teeny tiny replica shirt (with Pietersen on the back).

KP shall then lift the child into the air, Lion King style.

At this stage the only people on the ground, who aren’t in the tent, should be KP, baby KP, and the cameraman and crane operator who are shooting the momentus occasion with the Michael Bay shot of tracking around KP and baby.

If the ICC tried to stage manage this event Mrs KP would give birth in a community hospital to a intern on her first day on the job.

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May 07 2010
18 Comments
indians, world twenty20

The ballad of Rohit Sharma

Like most people, my first look at Rohit Sharma was in the IPL.

He looked good.

Other than a tendency to play across the line a bit too much, like Ross Taylor, there is much to like about him.

He has timing, balance, class and power.

Sharma also has the ability to annoy.  Like Ian Bell, Jacob Oram and a young Shane Watson, he is the player fans love to hate.

In true Ian Bell style it is exactly because he is so talented that people hate him.  Even though he is only 23, he has already burnt through more Indian fans than most 30 year old cricketers would have.

This is by starting his innings looking really good, and then fucking up with a stupid shot.

The thing with Sharma is always the stupid shot.  He isn’t the first talented player to regularly go out to stupid shots.  In the 90s Carl Hooper and Mark Waugh would spend hours trying to out class each other, and then play a shot so stupid that you could barely believe it came from them.

But the difference is that these guys also made big runs, helped their sides win important games and had long careers.

Sharma has turned up on the scene with so much talent it drips off him until he is standing in a puddle, and so many stupid shots he looks like he is auditioning to be Keith Arthurton.

Before I became a wheezing lung in the online cricket community, I might never have known many Indians hated Rohit.  Back in the analogue days I got all my information on Indian cricketers from Melbourne’s taxi drivers.  They seemed to hate everyone except for Sachin.

Now I am inundated with Sharma hate.  In the comments here, on other blogs, on twitter and in friend’s facebook updates.

Most of this hate comes not from his occasionally brilliant, yet often frustrating performances for Deccan.  It seems to come from the fact he plays so well for Deccan, and so badly for India.

In 42 ODIs Sharma has managed to average 25 with a strike rate of 72.  That wasn’t a good record in 1988, it sure isn’t these days.

Indians remember records like that.  They also remember all those stupid shots.

Yet against the Aussies, where Gautham looked worried, Raina looked overawed, Vijay looked confused and Yuvraj looked hungry, it was Sharma who stood up.

He had some luck; he didn’t have to face as much of the raw sexual energy of Dirty Dirk in his pomp, or Tait’s stuff.  By the time he came in they were finishing up and he could start the resistance.

In the end he was the resistance.  With no other Indian batsman looking like they deserved to be clothed in their country’s shirt, he stood tall and did his dandiest to get India close and not play one of those stupid shots he is so fond of.

There was a sort of lone wolf feel to the innings, like the guy in the kung fu film who ends up fighting 12 people on his own and taking down about 8 before he is eventually stopped and taken to the bad guy’s headquarters.

While Sharma’s one day record is on the poor side of shithouse, his International T20 career is shaping up nicely.

For the short term he will remain the punch line of many Indian fans’ jokes, but at 23 he might just hang around long enough to laugh last.  Although I personally hope he keeps a few stupid shots in his repertoire, as they make my job easier.

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May 06 2010
7 Comments
afghanistanis, saffas, world twenty20

South Africa invades Afghanistan

Most people like seeing minnows play well.  That seems to be even more true for Afghanistan, because they’ve been through some shit, and I don’t mean having to watch Paul Collingwood bat on the last day.

So when Afghanistan bowled well against South Africa it was a great thing.  Their leggie was exceptional, their quick was actually quick, and they did well to keep South Africa down below par.

Then they batted.

Now South Africa are well known for a bit of minnow crushing.  While other sides get complacent or feel bad for beating a developing nation, South Africa take pride in stamping the life out of them.

Against Bangladesh, South Africa put on big jack boots and stomp the toygers into the kitchen floor until there is nothing but a puddle of blood, flesh, fur and bones.

Compared to how they beat Afghanistan, their stomping of bangladesh seemed rather cuddly.

Coming out onto the ground in a good mood, Afghanistan had no idea the horror that was about to be unleashed on them.

Finding the bluntest saw they could find, South Africa started by cutting off each toe, finger, nipple, and testicle one after the other. Placing them all in front of Afghanistan.

They then cutting off one arm and both legs.

Occasionally they sprayed them with sulphuric acid or just burnt them with cigarette butts.

That took too long, so they they took a blow torch and went about burning different sections of skin, until the body of Afghanistan was either bleeding from being sawed, or burnt.

South Africa then left the room, leaving an opened door and let the bleeding and burnt Afghanistan to edge towards the door being dragged by their one arm, only for South Africa to come back in, close the door, pick Afghanistan up chuck it in a bath full of Dermestid beetles while South Africa sat listening to Phil Collins and drinking a glass of red wine.

It turned out that the beetles don’t eat live flesh so instead of finishing of Afghanistan they just wandered around,  but South Africa didn’t notice and had already left to watchold episodes of Herman’s Head.

The ICC sent in a clean up team. A week later.

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