This year it was at Lord’s, which you may have heard of.  This meant I got to play at Lord’s on the Nursery ground (you can’t have everything) with several members of the English Women’s Cricket team.

My team was captained by Claire Taylor, yes Claire fucken TAYLOR, best batsman in the world Claire Taylor.

She also kept wickets, I stood next to her at slip.  It was just me and Clare Taylor in the cordon at Lord’s.  For all of 3 balls.

Then I bowled to Danielle Hazell as Claire Taylor kept and shouted encouragement to me, I think, she had a mouth guard on.  She could have been saying anything. Probably “pitch it up, idiot”.

Later on Claire Taylor and I talked tactics, batting order and how I should bowl.

Ofcourse the day wasn’t all great.  Danielle Hazell did hit me over the training nets.  Although she hit someone else further.  Later on I was hit for six by another English women’s player, I forget who, which is a shame because I then got her out.

Legspin wise I did pull a few down.  But I’m a club spinner playing at Lord’s, I am supposed to pull a few down.

My other wicket was that of Rob Hawk, from Hawk bats, which might have ruined my sponsorship deal with him.

There were other highlights.  Lawrence Booth flailing wildly with his eyes closed trying to imitate Wes Durston and somehow hitting a six of Simon Briggs.  Andrew Miller playing and missing at five balls straight of a last over before finishing off with a six.  And Rosalie Birch’s batting, which was pretty good for a retiree.  Rosalie works for chance to shine, and I think she would agree, that playing with me was her chance to shine.

My favourite moment had to be when I burnt Anya Shrubsole when running between wickets with her.  She made a diamond duck, but it was her fault.  These professional cricketers just don’t back up.  I can’t see how it could be my fault for hitting the ball straight to Cricket With Balls’ Holly Colvin and taking off.  Anya was a good sport about it, she only spent the next 2 hours telling everyone I had run her out.  Some people can’t face up to the truth.

I made up for it in the next over when I edged a ball of Jenny Gunn for the winning runs of the tournament.  Although had a stuffed up the chase I would have questioned Jenny Gunn’s action in true aussie style.

It was a good day, but this photo of Andrew Miller and John Stern making sweet cricket love was really wrong.

This post was written by Jarrod Kimber, who recently hit the winning runs in a final at Lord’s.

WI vs. BAN

West Indies have dirty scabby strikebreakers playing for them, and if that isn’t bad enough the one I really wanted to see. Kraigg Brathwaite, isn’t fucking playing.

The scabs are pretty much a West Indies 3rd XI, and they are slightly ahead of Bangladesh, who have to win this game to prove they aren’t’ the genital wart of the cricket world.

PAK vs. SRI

Having lost the last game in a dramatically flamboyant style, Pakistan decided to keep that going and collapse on the first day of the next test as well. 90 runs on the first day of a test match. Special.

Sri Lanka are now looking good for a 2 zip result, and being that their bowling line up looks like decidedly nameless, that is a top effort.

ENG vs. AUS WOMEN

The Australian women were 5/28, and I was ready to go around and punch them all, then they were 6/257 and I was quite happy.

England are now 5/120 with a lot to do, but have a 60 run partnership going. A women’s test is a special thing, as they are lucky to play one a year.

NED vs. CAN

Netherlands are playing Canada as well, in what I assume is called the Dirty Dirk Davison cup. Had I known about this series I would have sponsored it. Although if I did, I would have spent months trying to work out what to call it.

The Cricket With Balls Trans-Atlantic shit fight, perhaps…

And her team is the best women’s cricket team on earth.

The margin between England and any other team is as wide as the gap between Claire Taylor and the rest of the world’s batsmen.

Mithali Raj may be an artist of the highest level.

Compared to Raj, Taylor is a butcher, but she is the most prolific butcher ever.

She seems to make sausages at will, millions of them, good sausages, sausages that feed her team mates and keep them fit and active.

There is nothing that special about the way she makes these sausages.

She just makes a lot of them.

Because of all these sausages, England is now the best team in the world in every format of cricket.

That is pretty impressive.

Something the Australian men’s team has never done.

Something the English men’s team can’t even imagine doing.

That is because neither team has Claire Taylor.

Settle down sunshine, here is my guess.

Nether team will win, instead a giant squid will attack Lord’s killing everyone, especially the children and smurf dancers.

If that doesn’t happen I am torn.

Once Australia and India looked rubbish i thought Sri Lanka would win.

But…

I expected them to play the probotic children of the mechanic revolution (South Africa), and thusly win easily with their wizards and demons.

Now they are playing Pakistan, who has 5 bowlers I would trust more than Sri Lanka’s Junk bowlers (Sorry, Lego Hair Udana and Angelo), and I am unsure.

Sri Lanka still has the freakish team, but so does Pakistan, and they look more in form.

So i will go out on a limb and choose my third differernt winner of the tournament, Pakistan.

Shahid Afridi is almost as sexy as Natalie Portman at the moment, and he made me use this sentence on twiiter recently, “Afridi saluting the crowd is the moment I am more sexually attracted to a man than i feel comfortable with.”

Pakistan for me.

If Sri Lanka win I will go back to my original (read second) choice that the Lankans can win.

And for the women’s, I will remain loyal to my original (really) thoughts that the Kiwi side will win.

Unless England and CWB’s own Hilly Colvin win, and they I support Holly.

Would it fuck with your mind if i said he may not even be the worst Australian captain at the moment.

Karen Rolton played such an important part in Australia’s loss today it is hard overlook it.

Her field placings were, wait for it, Pontingesque.

She seemed to lose faith in some bowlers after one over.

Her complete lack of imagination or will to make drastic changes took Australia to an amazing loss.

Sure Claire Taylor helped, her innings in partnership with Beth Morgan was super mega good, but it would have nice to have seen her tested once or twice.

The poms were taking twos at will, yet Australia never moved in any closer from the boundary.

They scored off every ball that didn’t go to the bowler or to the keeper.

And Beth Morgan had one get out shot, the lap sweep, which see played about 9 times, mostly for boundaries, expect for the odd miss  and the one she hit into her jaw.

Yet Rolton never put the fine leg back, or put her finer where the ball kept going.

She just looked lost and confused, and she made me give women’s cricket the ultimate compliment.

I got so angry I forgot it was a women’s match and that I shouldn’t have cared, and upon completion I was so fucken pissed off I yelled ‘useless bitches’.

Had it been the men’s side who had preformed such a mind fuckingly poor effort in the field I would have called them fucken useless pricks.

So the women’s game is definitely gaining importance in my anger and care factor.

McKenzie’s 2008 was so good he was dropped 2 tests into 2009, and his 2008 yielded 3 hundreds in 14 tests.

And James Anderson averaged 29 in tests, and 74 in one dayers.

Surely CWB’s Holly Colvin would have been the better option than either of these two muppets.

Boucher also made it, um, that is cool, not sure why he is there. Averaged 27 against England and 33 over all, made one hundred for the year against Bangladesh. If he was picked because Sclyd Berry likes him I can respect that.

And ofcourse the token county player, also a South African, Dale Benkenstein, who had a cracking year.

While it is great that Wisden finally recognised women’s cricket, it’s just a shame Claire had to share the honour with lesser cricketers.

Ofcourse the whole system is a bit of a joke, if I was Claire I would refuse to be involved at all.

He must be crying into his full english breakfast.

Not so, while bryce has had a weekend worse than the time my foreskin got caught in a zipper, Cricket With Balls’ Own Holly Colvin hit the winning runs in the world cup.

Ying, Yang, and all that stupid shit.

I didn’t pick Holly thinking she would save me from McGain Pain, but she has.

She single-handedly won the world cup for England.

She bowled the most overs in the tournament.

Took 9 wickets at 18.

Had an economy rate of 2.65.

And then hit the winning runs.

But that is all bullshit, what she did was bring presence.

Presence doesn’t transcend into stats.

It is intangible, like turgid yogalates.

But she was the banker for the English team, they knew she wasn’t going to go for many, they knew other teams would have to go around her, like Daniel Vettori, only in a good team.

So while the pain of bryce’s mind fuck performance is there, Holly has evened my emotions out.

She has a eyesore of an action.

It does appear like the most blatant chuck ever from behind.

From front on it looks a little more legal.

On the side you tend to think chuck again.

When Gunn played for Western Australia this year she was reported for throwing.

According to the Cricket Australia analysis, none of her deliveries were under the 15% rule.

Gunn appealed it, the hearing was due for after the world cup.

Then during the world cup she was reported again.

This game was not televised, so the footage of another world cup game was shown to the man that originally cleared her action, and he decided she was still within 15%.

He didn’t test her action in a machine like Cricket Australia did, he watched her play on TV, and decided she was fine.

Apparently that is enough.

Very soon Jenny Gunn will play in the world cup final.

Say what you want about the ICC, but they fuck up with more consistently than most.

The Australian women’s team have proved the rule.

New Zealand and India have both beaten the Aussie ladies.

And without some sort of miracle, the Aussie girls aren’t going to make the final.

For some bizarre reason, this world cup has no semi finals.

I love semi finals.

Semi finals is where it’s at.

But not in this tournament, in this tournament it’s a super six and then a final.

Simple, cold, efficent. and i dare say, a few dollars cheaper.

While England, and who ever play them in the final, will be the two best performing sides, i like a team to have to win their way into a final in a sudden death match.

This has nothing to do with Australia, they are playing like ass.

Busted ass.

But if you are to play in the world cup final, there should have been at least one sudden death match to get you there.

None of this would matter to Australia.

India outplayed them last night.

Anjum Chopra did a lot of nothing, but still managed to make a half century and anchor the better batsmen.

Mithali Raj was majestical, as always and gave the innings it’s momentum.

And then Jhulan Goswami strode in with purpose and ensured Australia weren’t going to win.

Australia weren’t helped by the fact Ellyse (two Ls) Perry, their young gun, had what could only be described as a complete fucken shocker.

Going for over 6 an over, and making a duck.

But at least Brett Lee knows her name.

Which I am sure is all women’s cricketers really want.

After a turbulent week in the office dealing with unhappy clients, plunging bottom lines and my own 10% salary reduction I was looking forward to heading out to Drummoyne Oval to see the West Indies take on Pakistan.

Unfortunately I missed the early clatter of West Indian wickets. The geniuses at the Sydney City Council forgot to erect any signs advising drivers that the city streets would be full of seamen from the Australian Navy. I’d hate to be on the crew cleaning up after that parade.

When finally arrived at the ground 25 minutes after play had begun the Pakistani opening bowlers had struck 3 times after Urooj Khan, the Pakistani captain and love child of Imran Khan and Benazir Bhutto (unconfirmed) won the toss and sent the West Indians into bat in overcast conditions.

Not long after I arrived the baby face assassin Alamas Akram had struck for the 3rd time. The left arm medium pacer had made good use of the conditions leaving the West Indians top order in tatters at 4 for 24.

I’m not sure if it was what Sherwin Campbell, West Indian coach and 52 test veteran was saying, “Run and slide”, “Come on play safe”, “Got to get forward”, “Lots of space”, “Long-on singles”, maybe it was more his deep, cool, laid back dulcitones wafting across the Drummoyne oval that relaxed his opener, Stephanie Taylor who began to slowly turn her sides fortune around.

Without Taylor’s patient innings of 55 off 115 balls the West Indies would have been sunk. The only other contributor of note was Deandra Dottin who’s total of 23 off 32 included a beautifully struck shot over mid-on for 4.

Throughout their innings the West Indians seemed hell bent on running each other out. Amazingly only two of their wickets fell to run outs.

At the end of their 50 over’s the West Indies had compiled a score of 9 for 132. While 20 runs less than what they would have wanted it was competitive tally against an inexperienced Pakistani line up.

The Pakistanis got off to a slow but steady start and after 19 over’s were 1 for 36. But with some tight bowling, the West Indies began to work their way back into the game, taking regular wickets and slowing the run rate to 1.8 runs an over.

With her side again starting to look like the Petersham Under 12’s at 5 for 55, captain, Urooj Khan combined with Armaan Khan for a 61 run partnership that swung the game. Armaan was in great form and hitting the ball sweetly, reaching the boundary 5 times including 2 crunching sixes.

One thing that surprised me during the game was the use of bandanas by players under their batting helmets. The first player I noticed was Stephanie Taylor from the West Indies who had an army camouflage bandana, a little strange, but not out of the ordinary. What was completely out of the ordinary was the bandana being worn by player of the match Almas Akram. Her bandana was in the form of the “Stars & Stripes”. The last time I saw a Pakistani with the piece of cloth resembling the stars & stripes they also had a lighter and an effigy of George.W.Bush.

With only 17 runs needed off 6 over’s Urooj threw away her wicket with a missed timed pull shot. But it wasn’t enough to stop Pakistan from causing one of the upsets of the tournament beating the West Indies by 4 wickets with Armaan hitting the winning runs and taking her tally to 43 not out.

The West Indies face England in their next game and a disappointed Sherwin Campbell indicated at the end of the game that some new players would be brought into the side.

Pakistan will be looking forward to taking on the defending champions, Australia on Monday in Bankstown. Player of the match Almas Akram was very happy with her performance and said “Yes this one is the best performance of my career”.