Tagged with umar akmal …

Jan 13 2010
pakistanis

The Akmals

When I was young I watched every crap American family sitcom there was.

Other than knowing which sitcom the teenwolf actors came from and remembering Leonardo DiCaprio’s early start in growing pains, it has not served me well.

So I would like to thank Kamran and Umar for giving me a reason to revisit those times.

You may have seen this on cricinfo already, but this is the uncut balls version.

INT. FAMILY HOUSE – DAY

A jolly tune plays with a friendly voice singing about families as we see a woman, MRS AKMAL, being pushed into the house by a man, MR AKMAL.

MRS AKMAL

Ah, it is good to be home.

MR AKMAL

Glad to have you back.

Two youngsters run down the stairs, UMAR AND KAMRAN, they are slapping each other and yelling.

KAMRAN

Your back is sore.

UMAR

My back is fine.

KAMRAN

You’re lying.

UMAR

You’re dropped.

They run straight past their mother, who sticks out her leg and trips both of them. They fall on top of each other and then start fighting.

Mrs Akmal grabs them by their ears and drags them up.

MRS AKMAL

How about giving your poor mother a kiss then?

Both boys lean in and kiss Mrs Akmal and she lets go of their ears.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

That is much better, now what is all this madcapped behaviour about.

Both boys stare at the floor.

UMAR & KAMRAN

Nuffin.

MRS AKMAL

It doesn’t seem like nothing. Kamran, is this about the 4 dropped catches…

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the missed run out.

MRS AKMAL

And the missed run out.

Kamran shrugs.

UMAR

It totally is, the team dropped him, and now he wants me to pretend to be hurt.

KAMRAN

Shut up, knucklehead.

MRS AKMAL wheels herself over to Kamran, slowly, and lovingly puts a hand on his face, and then grabs him by the ear.

MRS AKMAL

What is wrong with you, is it not enough you have ruined your career with 4 dropped catches.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the missed run out.

MRS AKMAL

And the missed run out. But now you are trying to ruin your brothers life as well. He is still a young boy of only 23 years of age, 19 in Pakistani Cricket years, and you want to drag him down because of 4 dropped catches.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And.

MRS AKMAL

(interjecting and yelling)

THE RUN OUT, we know.

Kamran breaks free of the ear hold.

KAMRAN

Mom, you don’t understand, wicket keeping at test match level is really hard. There are cameras, and crowds, plus Misbah never shuts up.

Mrs Akmal gestures for Kamran to come over.

MRS AKMAL

I know, come here.

Kamran hesitantly walks over and Mrs Akmal strokes him.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

I am so sorry, are you ok, you poor boy. It isn’t like I

(yelling)

JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. Is test keeping harder than a heart attack?

Kamran shakes his head as best he can with his ear being held.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

Exactly.

Mrs Akmal notices that there is a glass on her coffee table.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

Why is that glass not on a coaster?

KAMRAN

Muhammad did it.

MRS AKMAL

Oh really, why is it that this Muhammad does all this stuff and I never see it.

KAMRAN

Well if we showed Muhammad, or a character purporting to be Muhammad, we would probably all be killed.

MRS AKMAL

Then why mention him at all.

KAMRAN

For the laughs.

Mrs Akmal tugs on Kamran’s ear, Umar giggles, and she grabs his too.

MRS AKMAL

(to Umar)

You, stop fighting with your brother and go play that test in Hobart.

(to Kamran)

You, stop complaining and go and work on your keeping, because I don’t ever want to see you drop four catches again.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the…

Mrs Akmal drops the boys ears and rolls over to Mr Akmal and chases him around the room.

MRS AKMAL

Say it again. Say it again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, you knucklehead! Say it one more stupid time.

Kamran and Umar laugh as his mother rides around the room trying to knock over their father.

FADE TO BLACK.

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Jan 12 2010
pakistanis

Umar Akmal withdraws from the 3rd test after his mother threatens to take his pocket money away

Kamran Akmal’s axing might make sense to anyone with fair to good eyesight and an understanding of the game of cricket.

But not everyone thinks so.

Kamran’s mother, who recently survived a heart attack, was so angry at her son’s treatment that she has ordered Kamran’s younger brother, Umar, to withdraw from the test team.

Umar was initially reluctant as he thinks test cricket is really cool, but his mother was having none of it, and threatened to tear down Umar’s poster of Aisha Linnea Akthar off the wall.

Kamran’s keeping was brought into question when he dropped Hussey, Hussey, Hussey and Siddle during the second test. Most people forget about the run out, because that is not a real dismissal.

Umar is very fond of his brother, but test cricket is really cool, so it wasn’t until his mother said his pocket money would be stripped that he did tell the team he wouldn’t be playing.

Soon after the Akmal matriarch realised that if she took Umar out of the team that would mean she would have no sons playing test cricket, and as she thinks test cricket is really cool, she decided to let Umar play, for now.

I spoke to her earlier today and she had this to say:

“I’d rather not be a tennis mother, but Umar is only 25 years old, or 19 in Pakistan cricket language, and he needs guidance. However, I followed the Mitchell Johnson Oedipus story closely and realised that by telling Umar to pull out I would be ruining the spirit of the Pakistani team, so I retracted my earlier request.  Test cricket is really cool, and I hope Pakistan kick Ricky Ponting’s hairy arms all around the wicket.”

Kamran’s father refused to comment, as he doesn’t know much about test cricket and is concentrating on his career as a senior model.

For what it is worth Kamran still believes he will play in the final test. He has been watching a lot of films about Proms in America where the story has it that the main awkward dude turns up on the girl’s door only to find out she has always agreed to go to the prom with the more popular, but hardly seen, jock guy.  In those films even though the dude is embarrassed his Prom night usually rocks, and mostly that girl (or a really cooler one) ends up with him.

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Dec 28 2009
pakistanis

Umar Akmal makes straight middle aged men giggle

There are many ways to work out how much talent a young cricketer has.

You could ask some old war horse who sits at every first class game and remembers when Neil Harvey was around.

Another is to see how many media outlets start talking him up even when he doesn’t do anything that special.

My favourite has always been the giggle test.

If a young guy is so exciting, so audacious, so cocky and so talented that the commentators actually giggle a little he must be the best thing to happen to the world of cricket since legspin.

Umar Akmal passes this test.

While he was disembowelling Peter Siddle the channel nine commentary box turned into a gaggle of Japanese school girls (not the ones from Battle Royale).

It turned from a clinical discussion of mobile phones, 3D cricket memorabilia and terribly interesting TV shows into a LOL fest.

There was snorting at times, surprised guffawing at others.

Bill Lawry may have soiled himself at one point.

That must mean that Umar is pretty good.

I think he is good, even if I don’t don’t gasp publicly about it.

Eventually when the excitable giggling subsided the comparisons started. You can’t have a talented young cricketer unless he is compared to someone earlier.

Richie thought he looked like a young James Dean, showing the angst of Cal Trask.

Tony thought that Umar’s attack showed he was a fan of existentialism, living like Meursault did, in the moment whilst having no sense of absurdity. Bill thought that was pretentious, but thought Umar’s infectiousness was like Dorothy’s Toto.

Mark Nicholas thought Umar showed the flair of Slater, the determination of Lawry, the soft hands of Healy, the angry demeanour of Chappell, the boyish charm of Warne, the luck of Grieg and the overall super human qualities of Richie Benaud.

Somehow it was better when they were just giggling and making other weird noises.

my ashes book

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Nov 28 2009
kiwis, pakistanis

fingers, an old man and a teen

There was a “teenager” and his older brother.

A comeback kid.

A former captain.

A current captain.

A blogger with a fucked up finger.

And 32 runs.

While the world was watching the big three in action (Australia, India and England), the working class side and the team without a home fought out a proper piece of test cricket.

I saw highlights, and not many.

Sky showed the big three, but this test, and its excitement were not on show.

I don’t know how much pain was in IOB’s eyes. I don’t know how many nails Vettori bit. I can’t tell you whether Umar Akmal had a tear as he walked off. And I can’t tell you how close it felt to the fans who were watching it.

But I am sure it was good for cricket.

A test match coming down to the witching hour.

Two evenly matched teams clawing at each other’s throats.

Collapses, comebacks and teen dreams.

I wish I had seen the fucker.

Now let us all hope that IOB’s finger comes good so he can give us all the details of his heroism.

Oh, and I may have forgotten to say this earlier, but that guy with the sore finger wrote a chapter in my book.

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