Tagged with tim nielsen

Australia fail to upskill their bowling coach department by picking the bankrupt Paris Hilton of cricket

Australia just had their most important decision to make since they were woken up by England and the World Cup pissing on them.

Did they select a bowling coach that was a former good ol boy in McDermott, Bichel or Gillespie?

Did they keep going with little known well respected first class coaches like Allister De Winter?

Or did  they for the first time in their history admit that perhaps they are not at the forefront of cricket coaching and Allan Donald, who has just improved Tim Southee’s bowling and pace, might just be the best option?

They chose McDermott.

De Winter has done a brilliant job with Tasmania, they’ve just won the shield title, their little known bowlers have stepped up, and he seems to get the most out of players like Maher and Butterworth who were weapons this year.

Donald’s coaching record was a bit more up and down, but he was coming off his work with Southee and New Zealand, he even kept Oram together for a whole world cup, which means he is good with sticky tape.

McDermott’s record as a coach is not that brilliant.  He’s worked with the Queensland side and academy, without the level of admiration or results that De Winter has, or without the international experience and results that Donald has.

Plus, McDermott has more baggage than a 1850s French Princess touring the world.

In his recent past there is a sex video scandal where he was blackmailed for reportedly eight months before telling the police.

Claims that he allegedly didn’t pay child support despite living the high life.

And the massive cherry on top is that he was the man in charge of a business that ended up owing people 40,000,000 AUD.

Yet, he was still picked as coach.

Good for him.  Hopefully he brings Australia to glory and manages to get his real estate developing back on track.

Not only was McDermott given this job, but another good ol boy was promoted.

Langer went from batting coach to assistant coach.

I like what Langer says about batting, But he has been in charge of an under performing senior batting line up for 18 months.

His words might sound good, but the constant cheer of the opposition supporters when Australia are “batting” drowns them out.

Would McDermott or Langer be employed in their positions right now if Langer was a plucky shield cricketer who never quite made it and McDermott only played a handful of tests due to injury.  Who knows.

I do know that it’s all beginning to feel like a job for the boys situation, and not for the first time there seems to be coaches in shield cricket (Shipperd, Arthur, Helmott, Berry and De Winter) who all seem more qualified for the jobs than Nielsen, Langer and McDermott.

Although we’d all like to see a Micky Arthur sex tape.

The enquiry to look into Australian cricket, that is run by former captains of McDermott and Langer, in association with Cricket Australia has so far got rid of the part time fielding coach, promoted the batting coach and picked a bowling coach ahead of at least two better options.

Australia was known for having the best and most sought after bowling coaches in world cricket, but could you imagine any other country employing Craig McDermott as their bowling coach? The ECB almost hired him as their bowling coach, and then they talked to him. Then they laughed.

It seems Australia cricket is in safe incestuous good ol boy hands.

 

Craig McDermott’s sex tape

 

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One dayers are so boring not even Tim Nielsen cares about them

Let’s get rid of them.

No one is more boring than Tim Nielsen, trust me I just did “research” on him, there is nothing fun or controversial about him.

And he doesn’t like one dayers.

He looks like the sort of man that would take everything seriously.

Look at his forehead, even it is serious, so if he doesn’t support the format, then who does?

Case closed.

When the captain and coach of a country don’t turn up to a series that tells you more about it than any slick advertising campaign could ever do.

Ricky Ponting at home already, and Tim Nielsen on the next plane they can afford after giving Dirk and FPM a free holiday.

It gets worse.

Haddin, Kp and Freddie, 3 genuine one day draw cards are not there.

Joe Denly is now fucked.

And Dirk Nannes (the only Australian player that ever mattered) is home.

Kill it.

Kill it now.

The last one day series this long and boring was England V India.

Remember how that ended? Exactly, it provoked violence.

This one is in danger of doing the same.

Please end this madness before someone commits horrible acts of terrorism.

One day cricket is sort of like a of like a hot day, it brings out all the crazies.

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Who wants to be an Australian keeper

Christ Hartley does.

And tomorrow he gets his chance as Australia use their 3rd gloveman on this tour.

Going on recent records this means that Hartley will get a broken finger Manou and Haddin style.

The next time Australia tour England they will bring 4 keepers just to be safe.

There is one good thing about all this, every time Australia uses a new keeper, he is better than the last.

Hartley is to Manou what Manou is to Haddin.

There is probably no finer keeper in Australia.

He is Australia’s James Foster, and just recently he has started making some runs.

Don’t let this call up fool you though, he is still well down the queue, Tim Paine would probably be 3rd, but he isn’t in England.

Australia has now run out of keepers in the UK, if Hartley gets injured then Tim Ambrose or Tim Nielsen will have to keep.

I wrote about Hartley when working out who Australia’s back up keeper might be.

“Chris Hartley might be the man to jump the queue. Is the best regular gloveman in the country, and with Crosthwaite, are the only two guys who are proper old school keepers. His career batting average is 27, but is in career best form with the bat, has one hundred this year, 3 50s and that is not including his 82* overnight in the current match. Of all the keepers in Australia only he and Manou seem to be safe in their jobs.”

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Hit the coach

Cricket Australia have released this video in which they throw vortexs (the toy) at Tim Nielsen and Troy Cooley.

That is all fine.

But what you won’t see in this video is when Mitchell Johnson started throwing bricks at Troy Cooley.

It was brutal, he was just hurling brick after brick at Cooley and screaming “you killed my golden arm you mother fucker”.

Cricket Australia edited it out.

Not because it was violent anti-social behavior, but because when people saw how far he was missing Cooley by, they realised people would just bag him more.

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Michael’s real spin

“I certainly don’t think we have a weakness against spin but we haven’t been performing as well as we would have liked against them,”

Michael Clarke

Being in the Australian cricket side is like being in a cocoon, its all gooey, and thoughts of the outside world never permeate it.

I just cannot believe that Tim Nielsen, Michael Clarke, or the dude who dries the players after they come out of the shower really believe Australia can play spin.

Mishra, Harbhajan, Afridi, Sehwag, Vettori, Botha, Harris, Van Der Merwe, and Duminy have all taken Australia down within the last 6 months.

This is not a list of the greatest spinners of modern times, Mushtaq Ahmed is not on it.

That is only 6 months worth of failures.

I certainly do think Australia has a weakness against spin, and while I don’t play for Australia, I do tend to watch them alot.

And they tend to go out to spinners.

Alot.

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Tim Nielsen makes a funny

A couple of people have already commented about this, but it’s nice to put it on the site for everyone to read.

When Tim Nielsen was asked about the whole Bryce McGain sleepingate he said.

“We understand the situation and we’ve looked after it. So as far as we’re concerned it is put to bed.”

Nice.

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Ricky, Tim, Behind you

You poor bastards.

It’s right behind you, it’s smiling, it’s wearing a suit, and it tears up contracts like you or I rub one out.

They call it a cricket official.

We call them Administracrats.

Billy Walsh calls them suits.

They are the fuckers who get off on power while making people with talent lick every last drop of sweat off their small tightly bunched testicles.

And Ricky Ponting and Tim Neilsen just got the worst news you can get in professional sport, an official defending them to the media.

It’s sport speak for, you guys better win or you are out on your asses.

The great machine has already started their next wave.

There is a private investigator going through Simon Katich’s trash as we speak.

James Sutherland has already promised to make the Australian cricket team Christian for Tom Moody.

Lawyers are already amending Clarke’s contract from FAC, to FACE.

Publicists are prepping old cricketers with pre prepared statements of how they always thought Katich would be better.

An editor is preparing footage of Ricky winning the toss and bowling, bringing on White & Hussey, and his stroppy jumps of disappointment in Perth as we speak.

That is how this works.

Ofcourse I could be reading too much into Mr Sutherland’s nice comments, and Tim’s sudden contract extension, and everything is fine.

Dandy even, no wins in 6 matches, and Tim gets more money, and Ricky gets CA’s number one douche bag in his corner.

It all makes perfect sense.

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Australia bat on lithium

How to win a test match, with New Australia.

Make 166 runs in 85 overs on the third day, to lull the opposition into a true sense of security.

Brilliant.

Yes there are reasons.

India bowled defensibly.

The moon is in it’s block till death position at the moment.

And it is day of the wombat I am sure.

But what the fuck were they doing?

Everything was so good yesterday, they got to 200 at like 4 an over.

Then it all went wrong.

You expect King Probot Mike Hussey to bring the scoring down, that is his thing.

But Haddin and Cam?

What the fuck is going on?

Is Tim Neilson putting rohypnol in their cereal?

I have seen Haddin and Cam bat a lot, but in this series it’s as if they are some photo copied version of themselves.

Why pick attacking players, and hold them back.

Surely this is not the players doing, I don’t believe Brad Haddin even knows how to defend.

This was a tactic, because everyone did it.

It wasn’t even just these guys, it was Clarke, Watson, Krejza and Johnson.

Johnson, the man who slaps the ball to all parts, prodding like a turd with pads on.

For fucks sake man, you aint a batsman, you is a hitter, not a bad one at that.

A quick 40 odd could have given us the edge.

The only edge Australia have now is the razor blades all Australian fans got out whilst watching this days play.

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Tim, shut up

No no no no no no no no no no no, this cannot be happening I refuse to believe this is happening.

Is it April fools?

Are the aliens playing tricks on me?

Are the rooster combs in fact spirits of the dead?

Tim Neilson, former average state keeper turned coach of the Australian side has suggested to Shane Watson, former Paris Hilton clone, that he start opening when wearing the creams again.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no, wait, is this a good thing.

Does this mean he will open for Queensland again, and continue on his 28 runs in six innings to completely shut out Queensland for the year?

I am confused.

On one hand, if he opens, it could mean that Queensland cricket will never recover.

But if he opens and by some stretch of your imagination he makes runs, he will be fast tracked into the Australian side before Matthew Hayden’s corpse has stiffened.

Opening against a white ball is one thing, Gilly did it, and so did Romesh Kaluwitharana, but what they didn’t do was mistake that for the skill and temperament of opening against a red ball with 7 slips and a gully.

Shane, if I could give you some advice, don’t open, the rooster combs and calves blood can only do so much.

And Tim, please keep quiet about Watson, you don’t want CWB as an enemy.

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