Is notorious for being easily upset over his weight. Has big talent and a huge appetite for wickets. Graeme Swann seems to think he is stupid, or at least likes to take the piss out of him for it. For all that stupidness he is often quite a clever bowler. His batting is something, I’m just not sure what yet. Comes from Yorkshire, but seems way less annoying than Boycott. Wants to be England’s next all rounder, but is clearly way too fit to ever be offered the job. Perfect for pie or real ale ad campaigns.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with tim bresnan …
the david saker bowling group
David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.
I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.
He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.
I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.
Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.
So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.
Stuart Broad
For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.
James Anderson
Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.
Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan
Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.
Liam Plunkett
Never plays again.
Graham Onions
Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.
Darren Pattinson
Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.
Tim Bresnan sex tape
I don’t know about you, but before the Paris Hilton sex tape, I really didn’t know who she was.
The name was familiar, but I didn’t know who she was, what she did, why I knew her name, or what she looked like naked and green.
I knew of Tim Bresnan before he started tweeting, but I knew little of him, the average English cricket fan probably knew nothing of him.
Then he calls a bloke a KNOB, some groundbreaking website breaks the story, it ends up all over the news, he gets in trouble with Andy Flower, then he comes in because Stuart Broad has a sore bum.
He suddenly has a profile.
Not a great profile, but people suddenly start watching what he is doing.
Before hand he wasn’t doing much, so there wasn’t much to watch.
But now he is in the headlines (barely) and people know a little more about his swearing habits and a penchant for mother jokes this was the most important game of his career.
He could have fucked it up.
The excuses where there, Bumble and Bhogle couldn’t stop mentioning twitter, England were mid-collapse and this was a semi final of a semi-important tournament.
Instead the big fella* stood up.
While Shane Watson came at him hard, Tim was good.
From there on in he and Wright put together an innings saving partnership. It wasn’t enough, but his top order didn’t deserve to be saved.
The innings was streaky at times and just damn lucky at others, but a top effort.
Making 80 batting at 8 in a one dayer is a good enough for me any time, but with all the shit going on his head, the papers, from the team management, the commentary box, and on twitter, I think the fella deserves some credit.
Top cricket, U KNOB.
Let us hope for your sake that you go on to do better than the cricket equivalent of House of Wax.
*By big fella I am not referring to Tim’s frame, but his presence.
Twittering Tim apologises for expletive-laden rant
Poor Tim.
Bloke photo shops him looking like Jonah Hill, and Tim says fuck and calls him a KNOB.
Fair enough.
Probably not the sort of behaviour the ECB wants from their cricketers, but it was no worse than what an English cricketer said next to a camera at the end of the win against South Africa.
Swearing on TV is bad, but can be quickly forgotten, and doesn’t even always need an apology.
How many times have we seen a cricketer play and miss and then heard a muffled, “fuck”, from stump cam.
Some of us can lip read too, not every word, but I am pretty sure Freddie and Siddle broke some sort of records for how many times the word fuck was used in one spell this year.
I am not sure that putting knob and fuck in even constitutes a expletive-laden rant.
I found this on twitter:
“Stop fucking yelling into your shitty phone you dumb fucken asshole. People can fucken hear you if you talk normally you wanker.”
That is laden.
Before I broke the exclusive (apparently that doesn’t get you a new car or a latte maker) I wondered if I was doing the right thing.
By airing the story you mean that future cricketers on twitter will be on a short leash, if at all, and that is less fun.
But then I thought it was funny, and funny trumps all.
I would like to say I am angry at the Daily Mail though, not because I wasn’t given proper credit for breaking this all important story, but for **** the word knob.
Remember when the Times featured my site, but wrote bastards as b*******.
**** Must stop.
Twittering Tim loses it
Have now added the image as a major English newspaper is going to show it tomorrow. But you must admit, that while making a photo of someone being fat and then sending it to them is stupid, the photo shop skills are there to see.
Recently Tim Bresnan started tweeting.
Realising that I know very little about the guy other than the fact he doesn’t tuck his shirt in when he comes in to bowl I decided to follow.
Mostly his tweets are part of a three way conversation with Swanny and Jimmy.
When I say conversation I mean a three way sniping session at each other.
I don’t follow Jimmy, but Swanny can’t go a tweet without bagging Bresnan’s curvy nature, poor Samit Patel.
Bresnan calls Swann and Jimmy the dipshit brothers, and referred to buying a joke book or personality for Jimmy.
It is just three mates taking the piss.
Then people started putting photoshop photos of Tim up.
His favourite was one by Mel who comments here. Tim loved it.
Another one drew this comment:
“@DarranGoulder don’t mind my mates dishing it out but who the fuck are you.Crawl out off your mums basement U KNOB”
The photo in question was one of Tim Bresnan as a slightly larger than life character. It was excellent photoshop work, but Tim probably wasn’t expecting someone to send him a photo of him as a digitally altered fatty.
What I liked about the whole episode was the rage Bresnan showed.
There was no Phil Hughes’ manager and IT worker tweeting, this was Tim being pissed off.
The problem with opening yourself up to this public conversation is that if your mates call you fat, your twitter followers are going to do the same and there is a chance that people will question your overall fitness.
Sure it was an over the line photo, but when you see Swanny tweet after tweet say that Bresnan is fat, you get the feeling that he can handle it.
I’d suggest by the fact the tweet finished with a capitalisation of U KNOB, he can’t. Which is fair enough, but he has opened this up, not Darran Goulder who has too much time on his hands and a better than average grasp of photo shop.
Will be interesting to see if the three are allowed to continue their banter* by the ECB especially if they react badly to criticism of their performance.
Having dealt with the ECB I’d say they frown on the phrase U KNOB, capitalised or not.
*By banter I mean Swanny calling Bresnan a fat cunt, saying he eats a 100 sausages or a whole cake, and that he gets violent when the donuts are all gone.
