This is a terrible situation, but Andrew Hilditch and I have been working on a plan.

The raelians are experimenting in cloning, so Andrew and I flew over to nevada, and gave them the coccyx of Tiger Bill O’Reilly.

Being that this is still an experiment, there have been problems.

The First Tiger Bill clone could only bowl long hops with a ridiculous slingy side on action, the second one bowled shit, but did spend hours explaining why he should be picked, and the third bowled ok but stole Andrew’s wallet.

At this stage we are expecting them to have perfected Tiger Bill in time for the 2nd test.

Not because he was sleak and striped, but hecause when making love to a woman he took on tiger form.

And even though he was the second best leg spinner of all time, he decided to bowl in the same team as the best, Tiger Bill O’ Reilly, as a homage to leg spin.

Few people understood this, and they demanded that Doug use the time travel to go to the 70s or 80s where he would be better appreciated.

But Doug was a man of principle, and to him bowling behind Tiger Bill gave him a status far greater than Shane Warne’s.

He blew up the time machine, and never regretted it.

Some people were dismayed at the fact I left out Don Bradman and Shane Warne, but I thought I had good reason to leave out both.

Warne was left out for the great Tiger Bill O’Reilly, a man who was never dominated by any batsman.

I have seen Warne dominated by Lara, Cronje, Ranatunga, most of India’s top order and his mum’s diet pills, so I chose the safer option.

Also, Bill has a far greater nick name than Warne.

As for Bradman’s omission that was simple, Keith Miller and Tiger Bill had to put up with that whiny little perfectionist their most of their careers, so I gave them a break from him.

Some international readers may not know that inside the Australian dressing room Donald wasn’t always the most liked man.

Tiger Bill said

“Don Bradman was a teetotaller, ambitious, conservative and meticulous. I was outspoken and gregarious, an equally ambitious young man of Irish descent.”

If Don Bradman wasn’t the world’s first probot, then he was Jango Fett.

“Hey Unkie J, I want to be a leg spinner just like you”.

And I said

“Well I am hybrid Bubby/club legspinner”.

The little boy ran out confused.

That left me worried about the state of education in our schools.

Are kiddies not taught about the variants of leg spinning.

Maybe some on my blog are confused also.

Leg Spinning types and brief descriptions, by Unkie J.

The Aussie ripper leg spinner

Practised by Peter McIntyre, Sutart MacGill, and Shane Warne.

The main art of this leg spinner is the actual side spin imparted on the ball, which is done with a slightly rounder arm action and wrists made of steel. The objective is to spin the ball sideways on glass whilst maintaining a fairly consistent length and line. In a lesser hands it can go horribly wrong, in the hands of a master, can be combined with subtler straighter balls and gentle over spin to keep the batsman guessing. Mostly a leg stump line, can be less effective against a cack hander.

Signature move, the ball the spins past the outside edge.

The Bubbly Pakistani leg spinner

Practised by Mushtaq Ahmed and Abdul Qadir.

This is legspin with a touch of aerobics. It requires lots of hopping, arm whipping and an offstump line. This is the one form of leg spin that best encapsulates everything there is about legspinning, as all delivery’s are available from a straighter arm action whilst still spinning the ball. The objective is to trick the batsmen with a variant of balls so devishly devised that he regulary plays for a ball that spins one way whilst it spins the other way. Because the ball spins both ways it is effective against all batsmen, but the offstump line means a good length is every important.

Signature move, the wrong’un that cuts the batsman in two halves.

The Absurdist straight breaker

Practised By Tiger Bill O’Reilly, Anil Kumble, Shahid Afridi, Chris Harris, Cameron White and Piyush Chawla.

This is leg spin without the legspin. It is deception of the highest order. It is also almost impossible to make a living on. You must have the ability to sell the spin, whilst delivering the straight one. You can bowl any delivery you want with this style, but it doesn’t really matter, because you won’t be spinning the ball anyway, but if you are good at it, you will be aggressively accurate and steady like a train. The objective is to penetrate the mind of the batsmen through repetition and absurdity.

Signature move, the straight one.

The club leg spinner

Practised by Richie Benaud, Bryce McGain, & every West Indian Legspinner ever.

Not a huge spinner of the ball, has variation but mostly works on the fact that if they can land every leg spinner in the same place for a day wickets will come. The arm action is usually somewhere between straight arm and round arm, and this particular style comes in many wonderfully different actions. The objective is to beat you with subtle flight, spin and speed changes.

Signature move, the batsman losing patience and swinging across the line, but hitting it straight up in the air.

The Paul Adams leg spinner

Practised by Paul Adams, and me in the backyard, until I hurt my back.

Was once described as a frog in a blender. I like to think of it as a midget, wearing a bunny suit, trying to fling its head at you with a shoulder jerk so savage that it could kill the average ostrich. The objective seems to be not to fling your head at the batsman, but to make him think you are while you get him with your badly disguised wrong one.

Signature move, unknown.

What is great about spinners can all be seen with Cricket with balls own Bryce McCain.

The dude is a single father.

He works at a bank.

He wears glasses.

He’s older than Johnny Cash.

Some of you may think he’s a bit of a nerd.

If you think that, you’re wrong, and a little mean. Stereotyping is so last century.

The man is a leg spinner, that’s like crickets version of method acting, everyone wants to do it, but very few can.

Leg Spinning is the coolest of the dark arts.

In fact, leg spinning is the coolest thing you can do with your pants on (naked leg spinning is pretty cool as well).

Me, I’m also a nerd, not as much as Bryce, but a nerd nonetheless. I spend all day looking up information on film directors, I run two blogs, I have more Internet alias than an undercover CIA agent, and I make films where dolls fight gnomes.

The one redeeming quality I have is my ability to bowl wrong uns and sliders. That’s it, but the ladies love it. Trust me, when it comes out the back of my hand, they swoon.

Why do you think Our Bryce might be playing for Australia in 3 weeks, cause he’s cool.

Shane Warne coolest bogan alive.

Richie Beanaud, coolest old man alive.

Anil Kumble coolest dude who once had a moustache and who isn’t Burt.

Mushtaq Ahmed coolest short and chubby dude alive.

Tiger Bill O’Reilly, coolest dead man alive.

So if your having trouble with the ladies, take a page out of Our Bryce McGain’s book, improve the wrist action, follow through and remember, the ladies love variety.

Oh and happy one year anniversary AYALAC. Keep up the good work, the world needs you.

Done?

Good, here is my team.

My criteria is based on many different factors. Whether I’d like to have a beer with them, how attacking they were as a cricketer, whether I liked them, what sort of team men they were and my mood on the day of writing this.

1. Trumper – just beats Hayden for mine, because as aggressive as Hayden is, Trumper made hundreds before lunch and is involved in the best cricket photo of all time.

2. Ponsford – was the perfect opening batsmen, who didn’t just blunt the new ball, but often blunted the second new ball as well. Its an honour to sit in his stand at the Mcg. Oh and he may be from the northern suburbs of Melbourne.

3.Ponting – Professional cricketer he may be, he is also a good drinker and a working class boy who owns greyhounds. Plus would be a champion in any era, can score runs on any surface and uses attack as a defence.

4. Harvey – Every team needs an expert in spin bowling and a classy number 4. There was no one classier or better against spin than Neil Harvey. Forget about him becoming an old codger, remember him when he was king, and also born in the northern suburbs of Melbourne.

5. Border – Every team needs a tough son of a b1tch. So why not get one who carried Australia on his back for most of his career. The perfect vice captain and middle order batsmen.

6. Miller – Probably the first player I picked. My favourite cricketer of all time. I stood outside his funeral service, I didn’t know if I should go in, not sure if I was worthy. Played cricket and lived life they way it should be done. Best allrounder in Australia by a long distance.

7. Gilchrist – There have been state keepers with better glove work than Gilchrist. But he regularly wins cricket matches in a session, and that to me sets him apart from any other keeper and most other batsmen of our time.

8. Benaud – Picked as a captain if nothing else. But as a number 8 batsmen and fifth bowler he more than deserves his selection here. Only man in the world I would like to have a glass of red with.

9. O’Reilly – Was all but unplayable. Bowled Leg spin like he was a fast bowler. Was a brutal man who spoke his extremely intelligent mind quite often. Was never dominated by any batsman. That’s why he is in my team. Great nickname as well.

10 Lillee – Probably as close to their perfect fast bowler as you can get. Fast, accurate, smart, swing, seam, brutality and awareness. Need I say more?

11. McGrath – In a team of attacking bowlers I was tempted to choose Lindwall or Spofforth to support Lillee, but I just couldn’t go past the metronome. I like the fact he wasn’t a child prodigy that he believed in himself when others didn’t, and that he changed the way Bowlers went about their business.

Feel free to get angry and tell me i am wrong in the comments.

Hope i didn’t miss anyone.