cricket with balls

This is is, the award to end all awards.

Inspired by a cricketer so much better than any modern day cricketers he could spin down on them, and wait 25 minutes for the splash.

I talk of the one and only Neil Harvey.

Without further delay, here is the list of nominees:

Shane Watson

Claimed his Boy Band scream was because Chris goaded him. Tried to end Brett Lee’s career with statements. Stalked Phil Hughes’ spot in the media. Wonderfully easy to hate.

Graeme Swann

Became test cricket’s greatest tweeter. Bagged Jimmy’s monobrow, called Tim Bresnan thick, and never failed to give good quote. Walks around with a trail of 15 English journalists following him. Love the chin or hate the chin, he cares not.

Sreesanth

Managed to make more press statements than bowl balls. Best strike rate ever.

Shoaib

Genital warts.

Chris Gayle

I don’t like test cricket. I don’t like the Australian team. I don’t like the media. I do like hitting the ball a long way.

And the winner for the 2009 Neil award is…
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I cannot believe this.
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The tension is thicker than cake, and harder to cut than a foreskin.
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There are similarities to last year.
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That is right, it is.
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Another finger spinner, step forward the second ever winner of the Neil award….
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Graeme “the chin” Swann.
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This year Swann became a proper test cricketer, but who cares, he gives quote like an 80s cock rock lead singer. Talks shit, seems completely uninterested in what people think of him, and
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Well done Swanny, and well done to all the winners.

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Thanks to you all for reading, commenting, subscribing, buying my book, wearing the t-shirts, donating to my well being, or just sending me an angry email.

In the words of one of our greatest fans, “Cwb is pure unadulterated trash. Thanks but no thanks”.

The Keith Miller award for most awe-inspiring moment of pure hope and courage

Bryce McGain
Thilan Samaraweera
Stuart Broad

How Stuart Broad managed to walk off Lord’s without a tear in his eye after that Dutch loss I’ll never know. Thilan, the dude got shot. SHOT. That was not enough though, as only one man fought his way through mediocrity red tape, work in IT, just for men products and the spinning abyss of Australia to make his debut in test cricket. Bryce’s story is our story.

The Dean Jones award for the commentator who was the biggest dick

Bob Willis
Michael Kasprowicz
Laxman Shivramakrishnan

Michael Kasprowicz for his “the fans have smiles on their faces” as a dude danced in a Hitler mask. Bob Willis for thinking he was the first to use Ronald McDonald line for Andrew McDonald. However neither of these two moments could really add up to the amazing commentary Laxman seems to give. At times he commentates as if he is buried 180 yards under the ground with Michael Bolton in his headphones.

The Ms Hooper award for the person who shoved jrod’s words up his ass the hardest.

Paul Harris
Nathan Hauritz
Angelo Mathews
Shane Watson

While it is nice that some people believe Angelo Mathews exists, we are still not sure. Paul Harris gimped his way into the top 8 ranked bowlers on earth, but we yawned. Nathan Hauritz became a man with a 5 wicket haul, but no. It has to go to Shane Watson. He more than survived opening the batting, he dry humped it, he has gone way longer than 2 weeks without getting injured and even though he is batting out of place and isn’t bowling as much as he could, he has had a cracking year of test cricket.

The sehwagology award for the player most living the sehwagology dream

Tillakaratne Dilshan
Dirk Nannes
Daniel Vettori

Mr Vettori started as a teenage finger spinner that everyone thought was cute, now he is a batting, captaining, coaching and selecting powerhouse. Dirk is the blueprint for all cricketers . Learn an instrument, go skiing, start a business, play a bit of cricket, travel the world as a cricketer, play for your country and grow a beard. While Vettori and Dirk lived by the code, one man was such a great Sehwagologist that at times he almost bettered god. Batting in no hat, chains around his neck, inventing a shot, and scoring like Pacino in scarface. Dilshan deserves this.

My book, the t-shirts, or donate.

Now we get to the serious stuff.

The Parkinson/SRK award to the greatest non-cricketer cricket personality

Janine Kallis
The IPL dog
Lily Allen

The IPL dog had more charisma than a cheerleader, was more fun to watch than a pop star, and the only figure in cricket who would happily piss on Lalit Modi’s leg.

The Ewen Chatfield award for weirdest jobs for retired players

Mohammed Azharuddin, politician.
Andrew Symonds, mentor.
Brad Hogg, commentator.

Although the thought of Symonds mentoring your kids and Brad Hogg talking are both mind boggling, voting in Mohammed Azharuddin has got to be the most fucken weird political appointment since Jesse Ventura. If Cronje were alive today he would be president of South Africa.

The Greg Chappell award for best performance by a coach

Andy Moles
John Dyson
Daniel Vettori

It says something about New Zealand that they have two coaches on this list, but even with that they can’t reach the level that John Dyson did by misreading one sheet of paper.

The IOB award for best use of new media to get your profile bigger

Phil Hughes
Graeme Swann
Tim Bresnan

Were this award given to the funniest person (unintentional or not), Phil Hughes would win, if it were given to the coolest person, Swanny would win, but this has to go to Timmy Bresnan for growing his entire profile with one twitter comment.

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Welcome to the 2nd ever Neils. Cricket with balls own awards ceremony.

Cricket in 2009, what a motherfucker.

Players got shot, and genital warts.

Australia fell further but got lovely white coats, South Africa were briefly on to, but lost by not playing. India took over but bombed out of the world T20 as favourites. Pakistan won a tournament, lost a tournament, and were accused of match fixing. Daniel Vettori took over a country. Bangladesh found a good player and made him captain. The Windies won a test series because of their secret batting weapon Fidel Edwards. The Sri Lankans went to Pakistan, no one else will. The IPL was won by a dog and a overrated blog. The IPL teams then sucked ass in Lalit’s second tournament that NSWales beat the world’s most entertaining cricket side, T&T.

Shane Bond came back, then left. Bryce McGain made his debut. Freddie died, and was reborn. Dilshan invented. Asif came back, and peed clean. Trott became proper English, as did Morgan, but no one cared. Someone tried to take out Chris Broad, but that isn’t easy. Ntini got a fridge. Symonds was shit canned for drinking too much of cricket Australia’s sponsorship. And the Indians started having kinky sex.

2009 was a very important year for CWB, Victoria won the Sheffield Shield, Dirk and Bryce played for Australia, and IOB quit the game. Plus there was the times, Guardian, BBC, NCC and ABC stuff for the site as well. Oh and two books.

So now with all that out the way, we look at the individual awards.

Before the main awards we would just like to list the winners of the minor technical awards.

Best player that no one could spot in a line up: Shakib Al Hasan
Best player that no one could give a fuck about: Tim Paine
Best performance in a game no one is watching: Daniel Vettori
Best imitation cricketer: Nathan Hauritz
Best version of I can’t believe that bloke has a good record: Paul Harris
Best new action: Kamran Khan
Best invisible cricketer: Angelo Mathews
Best hair do: Isuru Udana
Best cartoon: Benn, Johnson and Haddin
Best umpire: Random Rudi
Best jelly bean cricketer: Freddie
Best captain: Brendon McCullum
Best ICL player: Lalit Modi

Up next the first of the major awards.

My book, the t-shirts, or donate.

Isn’t that Mehrab a talented little boy.

I am glad you are all enjoying yourself, i would like to thank the courthouse hotel in Sydney Rd, Melbourne for giving us such a nice place for a reception.

The Nick Cave award
Ignored in your own country, curious oddity in your new country

Darren Pattinson
Grant Elliot
Brandon Nash

Tightly contested, Elliott made waves by getting rolled over by Sidebottom, and Nash did by being the firs white man to play for the west indies in like forever. But neither of them could match the curious ferocity of Eyelids Pattinson.

The Kirk Cameron Award
Once in the big league, now doing other stuff few people are watching

Chris Lewis
Brett Lee
Imran Khan

Lewis went from Surrey 2020 poster boy to drug mule, and Imran went from political leader to political prisoner, but only Brett Lee is being successful, those underpants are practically jumping off the shelf.

The Helen Mirren Award
Best performance from the blue rinse set

Shivnarine Chandrepaul
Sachin Tendulkar
Makaya Ntini

Ntini and Sachin both had some good moments, but Shiv shit all over them, and did it with sticky tape on his face.

The Alan Dale Award
Older player who goes from Z grade celebrity to a C list one who pops up everywhere

Grant Elliott
Bryce McGain
Iain O’Brien

Elliott is unlucky again, mostly because his name is even more boring than him, O’Brien can’t win it because he has simply moved on beyond C list, so it goes to Bryce McGain, who practically is the cricketing version of Alan Dale.

And now we have the very talented Mike Hussey doing some comedy dancing for us.

We are almost finished now. I promise.

cricketwithballs