Tagged with test match sofa …

Sep 08 2010
9 Comments
general balls

Me Vs the Lord’s Taverners

It was always bound to come to this, me taking on the Lord’s taverners in a contest to the death.

On the 18th of September at something called the Sunbury Cricket Club I shall do everything within my cricketing powers to send Lord’s back to the stoneage, where they belong.

I am playing on the side of test match sofa, but also on the side of good.

The players that the Lord’s Taverners will be sending out against me are:

“Lawrence Prittipaul (Cricketer Ex-Hampshire), Tom Wisdom (Actor), Colin Salmon (Actor), Toby Rowland-Jones (Cricketer—Middlesex), Adam London (Cricketer-Middlesex), Aaatif Nawaz (Actor/Comedian), Llloyd Scott (Fundraiser Extraordinaire), Mike Wederburn (Sky Sports Presenter), Ryan Philpott (Actor), Shaun Udal (Cricketer-Middlesex), Jeremy Coney (Cricketer-Ex-New Zealand)”

If you want to see me sledge Jeremey Coney, and frankly, who doesn’t, you should make your way to this ground.  In fact, I’ll be coming up with sledges for each player based on their wikipedia profiles or cricinfo profiles.

Test match sofa have all the info.

Angus Fraser will be the host of the grudge match, I will not be watching him piss.

If you’re in London come down and watch me give Shaun Udal a lesson in spin bowling.

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May 16 2010
3 Comments
aussies, poms, world twenty20

Why the English can’t lose

My retort to Daniel’s character assassination.

According to Daniel, test match sofa is an anarcho-syndecalist commune. This is his way of coming across as the lovable uncle you wish you had. When Ahmer was heart broken it was Daniel who comforted him, but not because he cares about Pakistanis (he rates all former colonies the same way, like that thing he found on his boot) but because he knows that appearing to be on Ahmer’s side will win him more fans. Test match sofa is not an anarcho-syndecalist commune it is a fascist dictatorship where he regularly beats the other commentators, especially Tom. His leadership style is styled on Lady Thatcher and Groucho Marx with a touch of Genghis Khan thrown in.

Even though Dan clearly sees himself as superior to most other people, he does share several traits with other English supporters, the “can’t lose” attitude. I don’t mean “can’t lose” in the way an Indian supporter who has the Indian flag painted on their face thinks can’t lose, I mean the way English supporters build themselves an emotional bunker so that no matter the result they end up winners.

Dan has already proclaimed that Australia will crush England. So if Australia crush England, he can say, “see I told you so, I’m pretty clever”. If England wins, he can streak naked through the streets of Tooting screaming about the power of the Empire. Either way, Dan is the winner. And this sort of defeated undefeatable loserism is how English fans shield themselves from ever having to look at their own ineptitude in sport.

I, on the other hand, believe Australia should win because they are the better side. I’ve studied this match with the asexual eagerness of a young Mike Hussey, and while I think England are a very cohesive unit, Australia should have the fire power with bat and ball to beat them.

When Australia does win, it will be the greatest win in the history of organized sport, over coming adversity, impossible obstacles and Bangladesh. . No team has overcome so much (including the Michael Clarke handicap) to be victorious.

If, and this is purely hypothetical, Australia do lose, it will be Michael Clarke’s fault. Because England couldn’t possibly play better than Australia to win.

Obviously.

Either way Dan wins, because he has chosen both sides as usual, like a proper Englishman should.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

Tagged , , ,
May 16 2010
2 Comments
aussies, pakistanis, poms, world twenty20

The Tzar of Test match sofa speaks

Dan from Test Match Sofa had some things to say about today’s final.

On Friday I watched the bewildered eyes of fellow commentator Ahmer widen, fill with embryonic tears and slam shut to block out the piercing light shining from Jarrod’s triumphant teeth and I was filled with a fearful dread. Finally Ahmer composed himself and said softly “why are they always such bastards?” It was impossible at this moment to know whether he referred to Australia, who had just, unimaginably from their parlous position, stolen Ahmer’s moment of glory, or his own players who had made him believe and then coshed him over the head with the stinking, putrefying wombat of reality. “God must have many places for Pakistani fans in heaven, because he puts us through hell on earth” was his ultimate summation. And then I realised it was my turn next.

Today England take on the Aussies. They’re in better form than the Pakistanis were. They are brilliantly coached, able to adapt their game to different conditions, as their stunning wins in both St. Lucia and Barbados attest, and have no pressure on their shoulders. Why shouldn’t we dream? We’ve won one of our two ODIs against them (albeit after losing the previous 6). Of all the teams in the tournament we probably relish fast bowling the most. We’ve got the bloody Ashes for heaven’s sake.

But believe me it’s not as simple as that. If you’d seen the encroaching smugness gather from the third last over of that semi on Jarrod’s widening chops. If you’d seen him lean ever so slightly further forward as the penultimate over yielded a succession of 2s, keeping Hussey on strike. If you’d watched with resignation and terror as he leaned back in his armchair, overwhelmed by a grin so mammoth his eyes disappeared into the flabby contours of his ecstatic face as the final apocalyptic six sailed over the mid wicket boundary, you’d know there is no hope. They always win. Because, Ahmer, they are always such bastards.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

Tagged , , , ,
May 13 2010
16 Comments
general balls

My cricket film debut

A little while ago you may remember there was a film made with my book in it. Well bugger me if the director, Ahmer, didn’t want me in his next film.

I play a cricket mystic, and I talk a whole heap of shit.

CAUTION: There are extreme close ups of me in this film.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=11682351&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1

Context from karachikhatmal on Vimeo.

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May 03 2010
3 Comments
general balls

World T20 thingy commentary

I have forgotten to mention this, but I am doing commentary on the World T20.

True.

Test Match Sofa are commenting on every ball* during the tournament and I will be on air for a whole shitload of them.

So if you want to hear us, listen in, and if you don’t want to listen in, you don’t have to, I made 63 on Saturday, I’m in a good mood.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

*Probably not every ball, sometimes we get carried away.

Tagged
Apr 25 2010
8 Comments
IPL

Live IPL commentary from the dirtiest sofa in South London

If you have had enough of Ravi and Kasper, and wish Laxman would leave the stage, why not try the alternative cricket commentary service of Test Match Sofa.

Just click play and listen to my smooth vocal stylings as I talk all things T20 and Pinky and the Brain.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

Hopefully my form on the couch will be better than whatever it was that Deccan served up yesterday (tripe stuffed with tripe with tripe dressing).

Tagged
Apr 21 2010
3 Comments
IPL

meet me on the sofa

Ok, so I am back, and I still haven’t done any reading up on what happened.

But I will be on the Sofa talking shit about the IPL Semi Final.

So if you want to listen to me talking about a series I’ve seen little on, and slagging off the odd Polish Restaurant, listen in.

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

Tagged
Mar 20 2010
1 Comment
general balls

Listen in

Yet again I brave the steaming gangs of south central London to go down to the test match sofa couch tonight/morning.

If you want to listen to the fruits of these conversations as I watch Bangladesh beat England there is a new player in the right hand column that looks like this:

http://player.videojuicer.com/bootstrap.swf

This one works too. Press play, wait for buffering, and then hopefully I am on air.

If you don’t like test match sofa, I have you covered as well.

Tagged ,
Feb 03 2010
general balls

the test match sofa podcast

Test match sofa are starting a weekly podcast, and I’m on the first one.

I’m involved in the round table discussion where I call someone a retarded space monkey, compare another players brain to a potato and say they Aleem Dar smiles when he plays ping pong.

There is also an interview with IOB, and heaps of other stuff.

Go to their site and check it out.

Tagged
Dec 30 2009
general balls

the times and a sofa

Yesterday I was interviewed for the Times feature on the Oval test.

You can see it here.

I think I did ok, although there is no swearing. I can only hope Katich and Hussey are happy to be quoted alongside someone who has been so nice to them over the years.

On the same yesterday I made my debut on test match sofa.

I think I did ok, they have a highlights package you can listen to, which includes me being so excited Kallis went out that I had no idea if the ball swung or seamed and just started randomly abusing him.

The majority of my best work was not captured in the highlights as it wasn’t part of a wicket, but at one stage I did say I was naked had my nipples molested by another commentator, and I also called Michael Vaughan a fucken tosser.

Good times.

This test match sofa is a pretty good gig, and I will be back.

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