Tagged with sunil gavaskar

India cannot lose

This test is a waste of 5 days.

The Indian players should be getting thier shots for Africa.

They cannot lose this test.

It shouldn’t even be called a test, it should be called a walk in the park with a loved one.

Although it should be shorter and catchier.

I say all this because I said South Africa couldn’t win the last test, and they won by an innings and change.

So I figured I might as well give it another go.

Things that are more likley to happen than the Kiwis winning.

Tony Greig admitting he is the reason Brett Lee and his wfe split, cause he wouldn’t stop humping Lee’s leg.

KP announcing he is quitting cricket to find himself by trekking through the himilayas with a robot monkey.

Sunil Gavaskar to finally admit he is a painful bore more often than not.

Arjuna Ranatunga to become a freegan.

Michael Holding to say he always wished he was white, and that he could play the recorder.

Stephen Fleming to start writing for the Daily Mail.

New Zealand has no hope, if they weren’t at home, i’d tell them to go home and not to bother themselves with this match.

India will win, inside 4 days, Bhajji will dance, Zaheer will be a hottie, and people will start to wonder why India has to beat up New Zealand in so many test matches.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Sunil is oscar worthy

What is more important to you?

To be able to speak your mind, and get paid millions of dollars.

Or.

To officially support and work towards improving the game that took you from a no one, to one of the most respected men in your whole country.

That was the question that Sunil Gavaskar was recently asked.

He chose the money and the free speech.

Was he right to do so, I don’t really care.

But I did receive a transcript of the conversation.

Sunil Gavaskar: Are you listenin’?

The Media: Yes!

Sunil Gavaskar: This is what I’m gonna do for you: God bless you guys. But this is what you gonna do for me?

The Media: Yeah, what can I do for you, Sunil? You just tell us what can we do for you?

Sunil Gavaskar: It’s something very personal, a very important thing. Hell! It’s a family motto. Are you ready guys? I wanna make sure you’re ready, brothers. Here it is: Show me the money. SHOW! ME! THE! MONEY! It is such a pleasure to say that! Say it with me one time, Guys.

The Media: Show you the money.

Sunil Gavaskar: No, no. You can do better than that! I want you to say it with meaning! Hey, I got the ICC on the other line I bet they still want me!

The Media: Ye, ye, no, no, no. Show you the money.

Sunil Gavaskar: No! Not show you! Show me the money!

The Media: Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: Yeah! Louder!

The Media: Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: I need to feel you guys!

The Media: Show me the money! Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: I love brown people.

The Media: I love brown people!

Sunil Gavaskar: Who’s your motherfucker, guys?

The Media: You’re our mother fucker! Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: Uh! Congratulations, I’m still your rent a quote.

Geoffrey Boycott never has to go through this sort of stuff, because the media is the only people who will have him.

Tagged

kanye’s cricket biographies

Because of the draw today, my mind started to wander.

Here is a list of Kanye West songs and the Cricketers or hangers on they remind me of.

Gold Digger – Shane Bond

“I aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke niggaz”

Jesus Walks – Adam Gilchrist

“I aint here to argue about his facial features, or here to convert atheists into believers”

All falls down – Marcus Trescothick

“She’s so self conscious, she has no idea what’s she’s doin in college”

Touch the sky – Virender Sehwag

“Before the day I die, I’m gonna touch the sky”

My way home – Imran Khan

“Might not be such a bad idea if I never go home again”

Crack music – Sunil Gavaskar

“I throw a little sumtin simtin on the pulpit”

Roses – Damien Martyn

“can you sign some t shirts, bitch is ya smoking reefer”

Diamonds from Sierra Leone – Sachin Tendulkar

“Forever ever? Forever ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever?”

Hey mama – Channel 9 commentary team (except Richie)

“You’re like a book of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there’s my mommy”

Late – Me (to Bhaji and Haydos)

“Little girls please stop you’re crying”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sunil tastes like chicken

Sunil Gavaskar has come out and said Australia and England approach the games like dinosaurs.

Importantly he didn’t say what dinosaurs.

I am assuming England are the Diplodocus. They can’t really damage you unless they accidentally stand on you, but they do have a whippy tail that does some damage.

Australia on the other hand are more like a Tyrannosaurus rex. They make a lot of noise, look angry, eat meat, and have really short arms.

Sunil himself is a dinosaur, he’s a Dilophosaurus, you know the little ones that spit at you.

Sunil has a valid point, cricket administracrats have run over all comers for years on cricket matters.

Which is exactly what I expect India to do for the next few years at least.

India aren’t taking control of world cricket so they make world cricket better, they are taking over so they can make decisions that help cricket in India.

But is that not the aim of all cricket boards, to get the biggest piece of the pie, to get the best conditions, to make sure your men are elected to all the prettiest chairs.

Tagged ,

How will India ruin Ishant Sharma?

I think Ishant Sharma is the most exciting young bowling prospect since Waqar Younis, assuming Waqar Younis was ever young.

But he is Indian, and a real fast bowler, so you would have to assume that somewhere along the line he will fade away or lose form.

Let’s look at the potential ways.

His adam’s apple is actually an alien, sent from the planet klaatu, and is intent on killing us all.
Some Bollywood producer (aka India mafia dude) gets him a gig on the Indian remake of irreversible starring Aishwarya Rai, but he takes his scene too far and accidentally slams her head into the subway wall killing her instantly and is lynched by horny teens every where.

He listens to Navjot Sidhu and Bishen Bedi for 20 minutes and his head explodes.

He gets caught in a lift with Sunil Gavaskar whom rages about how all Australian’s are @ssholes for 2 minutes and his adam’s apple inverts and chokes him from within.

He gets given an English passport.

Playgirl magazine offer him a billion dollars to do a naked centrefold. Indian’s are outraged, as his Adam’s apple is air brushed out.

Tania Zaetta meets him in a bar, and they have a torrid lust affair in which Ishant falls madly in love with her and follows her to Sydney and lives out his days as Mr Zaetta.

He shaves for the first time, but being that he is so awkward he accidentally cuts his own throat and kills himself.

Inspired by his love of Jason Gillespie he grows a ponytail and starts breaking down.

Bored with cricket, women and millions of dollars he starts practicing Auto Erotic Asphyxiation. His first time ends in heart break (insert Adam’s apple joke here).

He remembers he is Indian and starts bowling left arm orthodox or straight breaks.

The Indian government give him Bangladesh as payment for being so good, which starts a war with Pakistan, which results on America bombing the whole region, Ishant dies whilst tying to save a whole village of cricket academy students whose rich parents couldn’t make it in time.

Me and Andre take over the world and we abduct him from India and make him play for Jrodre, the new world super power.

Pakistan get bored and fire nuclear missiles at India, thus ending his career, and the lives of countless others. Sunil Gavaskar survives.

He is raped and killed by a pack of super monkey’s who are trained and controlled by Navjot Sidhu.

Everyone in India tells him he is gods gift to fast bowling until he becomes Shoaib Ahktar.

He joins the circus.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Rhymes with Trev (kapil dev)

I’m in love with all rounders. Real ones, not the Jacques Kallis or Steve Waugh kind.

That was controversial.

By all rounders I mean, Miller, Sobers, Benaud, Gilchrist, Botham, and Khan. These sorts of blokes People who can win matches with either bat, ball or gloves.

So in the spirit of India being a half way decent team again, let’s talk about the last world cup India won. 1983 when they somehow toppled the great West Indies.

There was this dude who played for them called Kapil. Rhymes with apple.

We could talk stats.

Runs 303. Average 60. Strike rate 108. 4 more players scored more runs than him (no where near as quick). 2 players scored quicker than him (but they both made less than half the amount of runs.

Or 12 wickets at 20, which for him really wasn’t that spectacular. But hey I’d take it.

Really though the stats mean jack shit. India at the time had a really handy side, but the truth is they quite often have really handy sides.

Gavaskar, Shastri (before he became the new Richie Benaud) and Srikkanth. Were holding up the batting side of things. Maden Lal and Binny took 17 and 18 wickets respectively for the tournament.

Dev however did the heavy lifting. Maybe it was the mullet.

When their tournament was disappearing against of all teams Zimbabwe, the team who had already beaten Australia, Dev and his mullet stood up.

India were 5 for 17. Gavaskar and Srikkanth were out. Both for ducks. Shastri was only a youngster and was yet to come in, but when he did come in, his score of one hardly made a difference.

The second top score was 24, by the number 10, who was involved in a 126 run partnership. The Indians ended up making 266 off 60 overs. Hardly a brilliant score but hey they were 5 for 17, so you take what you can get.

Dev played some ok shots and scrambled his way to 175 not out off 138 balls.

That would be amazing now. But in 1983 that must have twisted anuses inside out.

The amazing thing is that if he hadn’t have made those runs, India wouldn’t have made the semi’s which makes it harder to win the final. I’d think.

Some will say, well it was only Zimbabwe, how hard could that have been, well other than the fact they had rolled the Aussies in the tournament, how about this argument. Try scoring at a strike rate at 120 for 138 balls when your team mates have all crawled up and died and your batting with the number 10.

6 sixes and 16 fours. The balls on this dude must be the size of a Jupitor. If any of those sixes doesn’t clear the fence (that’s what they called the rope in those days) India goes home having been knocked out of the tournament by Zimbabwe (Dave Houghton’s boys).

How many effigies would have been burnt if that had happened.

India won the final as a team, but they got there riding a beautiful mullet into the final.

Tagged , , , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 8,513 other followers