Tagged with stuart macgill …

Feb 26 2008
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Stuey – it’s time

Lets be honest old fella, you’ve had a hell of a run.

Literate types don’t often play for Australia, so well done.

How many cricketers pick a woman with brains and looks, kudos to you.

Getting 200 wickets as an understudy is an exceptional effort, your parents must be proud.

Now though you have a great career path mapped out with this wine company.

Your missus must make a nice packet, so you won’t be out on the street for a while.

But this bowling caper, it isn’t for a refined man like you, you’ve evolved, your more of an after dinner speaker and wine sniffer these days.

Bowling leg spin takes a modicum of physical fitness.

It takes joints that are still capable of carrying your constantly bulging girth.

Cricket takes commitment, not to lifestyle programs, but to training.

After all, Leg Spinning is a brutal artform, and if you aren’t in gladiatorial shape, you best leave it to a young man.

Like Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 13 2008
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Could Bryce be Franz Ferdinand

A few years ago Australia was supposed to tour Zimbabwe.

Stuey MacGill developed a career defining case of liberal guilt, and thusly decided he would not go.

He said it was in protest of Mugabe, but also it’s hard to find a good merlot in Harare.

His replacement was Cameron White, who at that stage had bigger wraps on him than Penicillin and wonder bras.

By replacing Stuey with the bear, the selectors made one big mistake, they picked a Victorian and this contravened the ruling put forward by the cricket administracrats in a blood oath to make sure Shane Warne was the last Victorian ever to be picked.

They cancelled the tour.

They said it was a political decision, and one not based on Cameron White being Victorian, but we all knew better.

Now with a tour of Pakistan coming up, and only one Australian spinner in any sort of form, the administracrats are not sure if the tour of Pakistan will go ahead.

Is the de stabilising forces in Pakistan the reason Australia are hesitant, or is it because Bryce McGain is Victorian.

Now before you say, hey man, that’s just another Victorian conspiracy, man, let me say, yes it is.

But do you know how conspiracies start, through nut jobs, weird interpretations of facts, wild accusations and Chinese whispers.

Think about it.

If somehow CWB’s Nice Bryce does not get selected for the tour to Pakistan, it will go ahead.

That is the conundrum though, we won’t know whether he has been selected or not, they will simply cancel the tour, and you, I and Bryce will be none the wiser.

The powers that be will continue to hide behind ivory doors made of ivory, they won’t let out a scrap of information.

If Bryce was from South Australia, he wouldn’t be very good, but the tour would go ahead regardless.

The Cricket administracrats thought by putting Merv on the panel they could gently phase out Victorians, but Merv said No way man, I ain’t no stooge, man, I am for the people, man, fu(c)k the fascist insect that preys on the Victorian people.

So in conclusion, Bryce McGain will not have to get his anti terror shots, because “they” simply will not allow him to go to Pakistan. And by “they” I mean, Giant Alien Lizards, the CIA and Cricket Australia’s Administracrats.

The usual forces who keep Victoria down.

Fu(c)k em I say, we’ll win the shield final anyway, unless the Giant Alien Lizards interfere.

Viva La Bryce.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 29 2008
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turn around, everynow and then

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Apparently Shane Warne has retired.

So the Australian team needs to find some spinners capable of taking wickets in Pakistan and India.

Let’s look at the list of contracted and uncontracted spinners.

Contracted

Stuart “Lord Stuey” MacGill the enfant terrible of the private school leg spinning set.

Currently injured and more interested in filming odd ads about wine, but is married to a hot chick.

Has over 200 wickets, but has bad knees and is late 30’s.

May play again, but it looks doubtful, and even if he does he has worse knees than my grandma, and hers are fake.

Brad “the tongue” Hogg is the part time bowler who accidentally became a test match spinner.

Was once a postman, still bowls like one, and is a very effective weapon in one day cricket, but is just not a test cricketer.

People say he is a nice bloke, but I don’t think that is helping him take wickets in test match cricket.

His bowling average of 50 is not gonna help keep him in the big time.

Dan “sleeves” Cullen took 40 wickets one year for the redbacks.

Since then he would be lucky to have taken 40 combined.

Has played one test against Bangladesh, and has a very annoying habit of scrunching his sleeves up before every fu©king delivery.

Was relegated to 12th man for the redbacks last game.

No where near the level needed to be playing for Australia.

Cullen “the other guy” Bailey is the saviour of leg spinning.

So at the moment he is being crucified by not playing.

Right at the moment he is the highest paid club cricketer in the land.

Hasn’t been picked for first class cricket in 4 months.

Not even his father the preacher can save him now.

Uncontracted

Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain is the pin up athlete for the blue rinse brigrade.

Sure he is slightly older than the usual debutant (cough57cough), but he does this weird thing, he gets wickets.

If he wore a lighter shade of blue he’d probably be playing right now, or perhaps the selectors don’t like Hugh Grant films.

He is the best spinner in Australia at the moment.

Unless my plan to reanimate the corpse of Tiger Bill O’Reilly has been successful.

Aaron “Billy” Heal is the child of a bastard union between Billy Bowden and MSquiggle

Ok, he can’t get a game for his state, but he did bowl very well when against Sri Lanka in a tour game.

That’s not the greatest wrap for him, but he does look like a bowler, and if he played on a wicket that helped spinners we may actually know how good he could be.

In the one day and 2020 comps he has bowled really well, and Sime likes him and Sime doesn’t like anyone with fewer than 250 test wickets.

Jason “who” Krejza is some guy who plays cricket i suppose.

He is the leading finger spinner statiscally at the moment.

Thats like being the tallest dwarf though.

His greatest asset is the fact he can bat, probably too well, as he plays quite often as a part time spinner and full time number 8.

He has wickets though, so that is something.

The Skinny

McGain has taken 24 wickets at 33.

Hogg 20 wickets at 40.

Krejza 13 wickets at 35.

Cullen 11 wickets at 50.

And Bailey, Heal, and Stuey aren’t really worth mentioning.

Australia’s spinning stable hasn’t been this ugly since Terry Jenner went to the big house.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 05 2008
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KFC ads

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According to the badly dubbed KFC ads, the fried chicken restaurant is now the official restaurant of Cricket Australia.

I can see it now, James Sutherland and Malcolm Speed having an important meeting about marketing over a bucket of chicken, while a girl with braces, wipes up the floor underneath a woman with 4 chins and seven kids who is devouring a record number of fillers.

Must be heart breaking for Warney to find out that he kept playing he could have got free fried chicken when ever he wanted it, plus the phone numbers of a bunch of skanky milfs.

I wonder how Stuart MacGill goes taking a bottle of wolf blass into his local KFC.

What am I saying, where he lives they wouldn’t have KFC.

Langer must be upset though, with his 23 children he could have moved in to KFC and kept his family happy for life.

Hopefully someone feeds Sharma some chicken, that boy could do with a meal or two and some pubes.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 09 2007
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are spinners aliens?

Episode 3 are spinners aliens?

There is a reason people love spinners, fast bowlers and aggressive batsmen. It’s because medium pacers, conservative batsmen and most wicket keepers are really boring.

Fast bowlers have anger management issues and aggressive batsmen often suffer from adhd.

Spinners are clearly from a different planet.

Take a look at my favourite interplanetary spinners of the last few years.

I always assumed Pat Symcox couldn’t be South African, sure he looks like one and sounds like one and while I’ve never smelt him, he probably smells like one. However his bowling and the fact he has a sense of humour are two strong indications that he is not South African. I once saw him try and bowl Michael Bevan around his legs, I thought it was insane, until it worked. From a loud and inhospitable planet.

Shane Warne must be from a different planet, one where baked beans and Hawaiian pizzas are the norm. Do I really have to give you reasons why Warney is not from here? His planet has a large collection of statuesque women.

Little Monty Panesar, he is the spinner England had to have. In the one press conference he can sound like a genius and then the sort of guy who tie his own shoelaces. Looks too gentle to play cricket. He comes from a planet where nerds are in control and Daniel Vettori is king.

Bishen Bedi probably has his own solar system. I can only imagine what they do to fast bowlers there, it wouldn’t be pretty.

Greg Matthews comes from a planet with many moons. On his planet they have the ability to regrow hair. They also have the ability to talk about themselves ad nausea until your hair falls out. Dean Jones is only a part time spinner, but he is still a resident there.

Phillip Tufnel comes from an extremely green planet. There is a pub on every corner, and a fag in everybodies mouth (bedi’s solar system has something similar). Unlike the other planets, cricket is not played that often on Tuffers planet, no one can be bothered.

Paul Adams well, Paul Adams, his um planet is inhabited by freaks, they all have abnormalities. Some say Murali is from there too.

Stuart MacGill comes from a private planet, only the intellectual elite are allowed in. You and I could never come from Stuart’s planet, and if we visited it, we’d be bored sh1tless anyway.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 29 2007
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spin this

With Stuey MacGill off filming Wolf Blass ads and forgetting to return calls, coupled with the fact India are coming out, the talk in Australia turns to a four pronged pace attack.

It does make some sense, which is odd for a selector. Australia is bathing in the glory of a golden age of quicks. McGrath may have left the building, but I have never seen so many options in state ranks.

Tasmania has Ben Hilfenhaus, the working class boy who seems stoked just to be thought of. He could single-handedly re invent the art of outswing bowling, and he seems like a pretty good bloke.

Western Australia has a stable of adopted fast bowlers. The one that is shining the brightest at the moment is Matthew Inness, the former Victorian left armer. His first class average is 25, and yet he has never been close to Australian selection. Perhaps its bias against carrot tops.

South Australia has the hitman, Shaun Tait. The man who is the pin up for what a fast bowler should be. Bowls so damn fast be practically rips his arm from its socket. Plus this other guy who at one stage was the go to guy for the Australia team, but now releases books about how Ponting was mean to him.

Victoria has never had problems finding quick bowlers, they just can’t keep any of them on the park. Harwood, Wise, and Denton are all top class quicks, and any of them on their day can rip apart a top class batting line up. And they have Dirk Nannes (say it out loud).

Queensland has a team of geriatric quicks, but they also have Ashley “Animatrix” Noffke. Who is in better form than Will Smith. Although calling him a fast bowler is a bit much, in fact calling him fast medium is a bit much, he is Greg Blewett paced, which makes him Mcgrathish.

Then there is New South Wales, who technically have a test match attack at the moment. Lee, Clark, and Bracken are all international players with either red or white balls. Just behind them is the oldest young dude ever, Doug Bollinger. Who recently destroyed Tasmania like nothing since they realised Princess Mary was from there.

So if Australia was ever to pick 4 quicks it should be now.

I think it would be a mistake, I was at the G the other night, the ball spun and bounced. Victoria used 3 spinners. The Mcg, Scg, Adelaide and the Waca are all venues that spin.

4 quicks is something that countries with no spinners do, Australia have 2 old stagers to pic from, or 2 young spinners from South Australia.

We are not ready to play one dimensional cricket like South Africa just yet.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 25 2007
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MacGill v Hogg – why bother with either?

In the wake of the retirements of the two greatest bowlers Australia has ever produced, the mantra of the post-Hohns selection committee should be to look forward and plan for the future and not be so worried about the present.

Andrew Hilditch and Cricket Australia are so concerned about attendance figures at games that their sole focus is on winning, winning, winning. But what about the future?

It is alright for John Buchanan to come out and say that we can palm off our “not-good-enoughs” to other countries, but our reign at the top will not last forever. The time is right for the top-nobs to start thinking about 10/11, not 07/08.

Hogg and MacGill may be good for one, maybe two years and you are all going to say that the talent is thin in the spin bowling stocks so that there isn’t someone ready to take the mantle. But remember who was the fat blonde bloke that got belted by the Indians those years ago? He was picked at 21 years of age.

We need to take a risk on a kid. I don’t care if its Callum Bailey or Dan Cullen, they may get smashed too and we may lose some games against weaker sides than us, but remember short term pain for long term gain!!!

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 23 2007
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stueys handicaps

Ok so he’s a little larger than he used to be.

And his knee is made of tin.

We all know he’s older than Mark Waughs ex.

Yes his arm has nerve damage.

I also understand he is a bit of a fancy pants.

It’s hard to look past his annoying wine ads.

But after all is said and done, he still has one thing going for him.

He aint Brad Hogg.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 21 2007
general balls

the natalie portman result

People are already starting to murmur about how Australia isn’t as superhuman as they used to be.

Really, I would have thought they’d be better than ever having lost the nerd and the adulterer.

Mind you, in two tests on flat tracks they took 40 wickets to Sri Lanka’s 11.

I think that even though Sri Lanka got close in the last game this worked out as the perfect result

They won it 2 zip, but not without a Kumar induced heart palpitation.

Lee and Johnson both stepped up, and Lee released a kids cricket book, some of the players can understand it.

Stuey Clarke continued to bore batsmen out, and even Symonds got two wickets at the Gabba as well.

MacGill now has another sponsor. “Stu’s slim shakes”, get the figures you deserve.

Jacques looks up to it, and more so.

Hussey continued to defy logic and Michael Clark put a mortgage down on the Australian dream.

They also played the Lankan batsmen into great form.

Sure one of them retired, but Bambi (Vandoort), Jayasuriya, Silva, Jayawardene and that other guy, all looked in pretty good at times.

That is perfect for Australia, because now the Lankans go home in great form to have a bit of fun with the Poms.

Couldn’t have worked out better.

Good luck to England in getting Kumar out at home, perhaps you should take Rudi along with you just in case.

While the Australia gets to play a pretend series, the Trevor Barry trophy and rest up for the Indians.

Win a series, have a rest, watch the Poms try and tame Kumar.

It don’t get much better than that.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 11 2007
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general balls

rain and evil

For this young blogger it was probably best he missed todays play.

Both of them actually, cause I can’t stand to see South Africa win, and I can’t stand to see a test rain delayed and played out for a draw.

New Zealand made 290 runs for the game, that’s a whole new version of sh1t.

Bambi (Vandort) tried to make a hundred to spite me. I didn’t see it, but I knew it was boring and annoying. I have a sick sense for boring innings.

Little Stuey killed Bambi for 80 something. And in the meantime he got his 200th test wicket, and they don’t give those out to just anyone.

A bit of rain and some careful Michael Atherton batting could still draw this game.

I will tune in for a session or two tomorrow.

Lets hope the rain goes away so we can see how much Sri Lanka want this, and how Australia can g about crow barring out an opposition.

Oh and I bag Rick (y) and his captaining quite regularly, but it is good that he didn’t get a case of the Laxmans.

Congrats Ponting, you’re almost like a real grown up captain now.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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