Tagged with stuart broad …

Jul 26 2011
2 Comments
poms

Stuart Broad uses magic

There is some sort of new cool live magician dude who does tricks for the rich and famous at parties, and someone has filmed it.

You know the sort of magician I’m talking about, he looks less soap opera villain than the magicians of the past, dresses like a normal dude not a effeminate superhero and does his tricks at parties where the guest list is managed by a woman called paprika.

In one of these promos Stuart Broad is in the background looking like a rather striking androgynous model that has been placed there for the symmetry of the shot.

I didn’t think anything of it.

I mean, he’s an English celebrity, he’s at a wanky party drinking an over priced drink he didn’t pay for, and the camera has him in shot.

That’s all fine.

But now I get it.

We think we’ve just seen a test where Broad has taken 7 wickets and made 70 runs.

All of us who had written him off as a privileged lucky bastard with a rightfully earned test average of 36 who had convinced himself that he was in any way tough enough to be an enforcer as he went from test ground to test ground bowling terribly easy to play short of a length balls were shocked when he pitched the ball up and took wickets.

In a press conference afterwards he said that he knew his best length was pitching it up, he’d always known this. That everyone had always known this.

He didn’t, oddly, explain that if he knew that why had he spent 2 years ignoring it and being largely useless.

Then his batting, which even at the best of times looks just a bit too lucky to be real, came off.

When England needed someone to stay at the other end to Prior and tell him just how great his square drive was, there was Broad, cheering on like an office worker who is trying to show his bosses how good his partner’s PowerPoint display is and occasionally chiming in with, this is so 2.0, we’ve got to streamline our objectives hardcore, and this is purple sky and yellow ocean thinking.

It didn’t make much sense, as there was more than a chance that Broad was going to get dropped either before or after this series.

Now he’s not.

You could say that the pressure of Tim Bresnan’s form made him improve.

That Andy Flower beat him up until the only word he could mumble was “full”.

Or that he just realised that the good will of the media had finally rubbed off and that if he was dropped now he’d be known of as the guy who went for six sixes and over and was a stroppy little prick who never met an umpire he didn’t moan too.

I don’t believe any of that is true.

I think it was cool celebrity live magic.

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Aug 27 2010
22 Comments
poms

Stuart Broad makes a test century

Today I had the displeasure of seeing Stuart Broad make a hundred.

That is all.

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Jun 02 2010
15 Comments
poms

Stuart Broad Propaganda

I don’t like Stuart Broad.

It has to do with him flaunting the rules of cricket, and then sucking up to umpires and officials so he doesn’t get suspended.

Plus I don’t like players that all commentators find excuses for, yes he roles his wrist over the ball on flat pitches and occasionally bowls across the seam, it is cool, but let’s not form an exploratory committee to go up his anus, sky.

But recently I have found something I like about Broad care of cricket writing’s Aaron Sorkin, Lawrence Booth.

According to Larry B, Broad didn’t want to be rested from the tests against bangladesh.

Chris Broad said this, “Stuart let the management know that if he was going to miss anything he didn’t want to miss a Test match, because those are the most important games you want to play in.”

Chris Broad didn’t say, “Stuart would have loved to get some cheap wickets to make his record look more like the sort of record Sky make it out to be”.

England’s resting policy is a bit of a joke anyway.

Andrew Strauss played in a one day series in South Africa which took up a week of his time, a week he could have rested.  He didn’t play in the test series against bangladesh which took two weeks, but he did play in SEVEN four day County matches at the start of the County season.

Are you telling me he couldn’t be rested from the bullshit one dayers against SA and the first 4 county matches?

Now one of their players has requested that he not be rested from Test cricket, and the ECB have done it anyway.

Even though Broad has played in rubbish games of cricket in the past, and could easily be rested from County games coming up or Australia’s pointless one day tour of England, instead he has missed out on playing test cricket.

The test series that Broad has been cruelly banned from finishes on the 8th of June, the complete waste of time that is the one day series between Australia and England begins on the 22nd of June.  I assume that Broad won’t play between now and then so he is properly rested.

This doesn’t mean you have to start liking Broad, but just know that he still would rather play test cricket than go fishing in May.

Or whatever it is he does when he is not playing cricket.

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Apr 08 2010
6 Comments
poms, victorian bushrangers

the david saker bowling group

David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.

I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.

He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.

I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.

Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.

So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.

Stuart Broad

For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.

James Anderson

Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.

Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan

Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.

Liam Plunkett

Never plays again.

Graham Onions

Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.

Darren Pattinson

Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.

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Jan 23 2010
aussies, pakistanis

Chairman Butt-Head

How would you like to be a Pakistani cricketer right now?

You’ve just totally blown a Test series against Australia, in Australia, by collectively showing less bottle than Stuart Broad when faced with a Dutch batsman.

Then you fuck up an ODI by allowing Cameron White – Cameron Freaking White – to score a hundred. At over a run a ball. Without at any time being in a Powerplay.

As a player, you can’t rely upon any of your teammates not to commit some appalling fuckup during the course of the game, be it batting, bowling or fielding (or, in the case of Shahid Afridi, all three). The only guy you might trust is your captain, who although he fields like an arthritic walrus does at least put a price on his wicket.

Except you can’t, because your cricket board chairman has just announced that, at the end of the current ODI series, he’ll be sacked. Which is a totally freaking bizarre way of going about things. If you are going to sack someone, you sack them. You don’t give them two weeks warning of their sacking, leaving them a dead man walking. And you don’t sack the only guy in the team that can, at the current time, be sure of his place in the team.

There’s no no incentive for Mohammed Yousuf to play like a leader should, and there’s equally little incentive for his team to follow him. As a succession, it makes some of England’s recent captaincy changes look sensible and organised. They might as well just hand Australia the series win and go home now.

The cricket board chairman in question is named Ijaz Butt, which couldn’t be more apt for a man making a complete arse of himself.

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Jan 06 2010
poms, saffas

Broad starts his defence

South Africa went to Roshan Mahanama after play and complained that Stuart Broad stepped on a ball.

They probably thought that was a good idea, strike while the iron is hot.

In truth, they were way behind.

Broad had lodged his first formal complaint against the ball attacking his shoe at lunch.

He took his lawyer into the meeting with Roshan, and he also had a signed affidavit from his father stating that the correct way to stop a cricket ball is with the bottom of your boot.

Then Broad contacted his publicist to ensure that they could spin it his way.

And to finish it off he hired three former editors of Wisdens to write character witnesses for him.

By the time South Africa got in their complaint Broad had almost convinced Roshan that it was the South African batsmen’s fault for hitting the ball back towards Broad’s boot.

The ICC is formalising their apology to Broad, and expect South Africa to do the same.

Broad’s boot has remained tight lipped about the incident.

South Africa also were concerned about Jimmy Anderson picking at the ball.

Jimmy has not been proactive at all,  he will probably be incarcerated along side Sulieman Benn.

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Dec 19 2009
poms

I wasn’t rude and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Says Stuart Broad.

I am sure he wasn’t rude.

But he did show dissent.

Whether he was talking about which review rule South Africa bent, he did go up to the umpire after he was given out to complain about something.

Sulieman Benn would get imprisoned for such dissent. Probably killed.

I’ve often thought that dissent was a pissy little crime, especially when a batsman is given out incorrectly.  What sort of human doesn’t show dissent in such a situation?

But Broad was plumb, dodgy long review or not, and while you could understand why he was pissed, he must have known that once the decision was  reviewed he was going to be given out, so why not have the conversation with the square leg umpire while the review is being reviewed.

Why wait until you are out?

Nasser keeps harping on about how smart he is, some guy in this book calls him the mad scientist of modern seam bowlers, and yet he waits until he is given out and then makes what some could describe as an “ugly” scene out on the field.

Surely it isn’t ok to start discussing the small print of cricket laws when you are supposedly walking off.

To the surprise of everyone, Stuart Broad has not been charged with any offence yet.

Perhaps in that large invisible chameleon document, the spirit of cricket, it is ok to to stay on the ground and talk about the legality of one’s dismissal, if you do it nicely.

Like in all situations in life I go back to one simple mantra, What Would Chris Board Do?

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Aug 03 2009
ashes, aussies, poms

Gonna Be A Big Day

OK, so today might just be the day that decides the Ashes. It’s a bit unlikely with two matches still to go, but an England win would make it very hard for Australia to retain the urn, an Australian win pretty hard for England to win it back.

The whole boring ‘team’ thing aside, though, there are some fascinating individuals for whom today could be a Very Big Day indeed.

Shane Watson - I’m bored of writing about him now, but an early dismissal this morning and he’s going to have to do some good work with the ball to avoid the experiment of opening with him coming to an end after one Test. He’s scored runs, but he’s looked like an ODI opener trying to play the same way in the longer game. And his pie-chucking yesterday doesn’t inspire confidence as a bowler, either. Needs both runs and wickets today.

Michael Hussey – Almost had the same brainstorm yesterday evening that he had in the first innings. Must know that he is one more lapse of concentration away from losing his place.

Mitchell Johnson – Brett’s fit again. Need I say more?

Nathan Hauritz – Assuming the Aussies have to bowl again, can he turn it like Swanny was yesterday, or will he again look like a nervously excited schoolboy who’s been inexplicably invited to play with the grownups?

Stuart Broad – One good bowling spell does not make a summer. His 50 yesterday could not have been more timely, but he needs wickets and lots of them today, because his bowling so far in this series has been as short of Test class as my writing is of Gideon Haigh’s.

Graeme Swann - On a pitch turning square, he should by rights run through Australia. Of the 8 remaining wickets, 3 are left handers, one a debutant and one Ben Hospitalpass. Time for him to show that he’s as good as he thinks he is.

And yes, I could’ve mentioned Bell, Cook, Bopara and even Collingwood, but when England bat it is going to be a run chase and some of the England side are actually quite good at that sort of thing. In a slogathon, I don’t think you can judge anyone’s suitability as a Test batsman.

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Jul 24 2009
ashes, poms

Stuart Broad’s nothing

Not that long ago I took Stuart Broad into a high-pressure situation to see how he would go.

 

He struggled.

 

I’ve seen Stuart Broad bowl in 3 test matches now.

 

The first one was against South Africa at the Oval, and while I wasn’t that impressed, he did take wickets.

 

The second one was against the Windies, and cannot be really used as an example of test cricket.

 

The third one was at Lord’s last week, and I noticed one thing, when Broad bowls, the pressure that Anderson or Flintoff has cultivated seems to not be present at his end.

 

He isn’t so much a bowler who lets the pressure go, but someone who puts it on hold while he is bowling.

 

On Monday it went to a crazy level, while I was ignoring anyone who wasn’t Freddie I did notice Broad bowling from the other end.

 

Not for a good reason, but because he was so benign.

 

Australia’s tail was in, he had a reasonably new ball in his hand, and there was no spark.

 

I almost always feel that way watching him bowl.

 

He has no presence, no bowling anima. He is lifeless at the crease.

 

Yes, Nasser, we know that he is clever, but sometimes being clever isn’t enough.

 

He is a professional at the crease; he has no animal about him. He is not wild, strong or powerful. There is no menace, no vibe, and no strength.

 

He is just a bowler who tries things.

 

I thought that every time he came on at Lord’s, it almost felt like nothing was going to happen.

 

Nothing bad for England, nothing bad for Australia.

 

Just nothing.

 

So far he has 4 wickets at 60 in this series.

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Jun 18 2009
poms

the pressure test of stuart broad

He is tall.  Reasonably fast. Clever. Well liked. And Blonde.

But is he any good under pressure?

With Broad’s recent history, the Dutch throw and the insane plan to bounce out Lord Megachief of Gold in the penultimate over, I figured some English fans might want to know how he really fares under pressure, or in a pub brawl.

We took Stuart Broad to the Silver Buckle, you know the sort of place, no toilet seats, or toilet paper. Everyone stares you up and down as you walk in. The aroma of vomit, beer and blood wafts up from the decades-old carpet. Usually there isn’t one person you would want to fight in there.

Of course we couldn’t take Stuart straight into the Silver Buckle, we had to tell him it was Boujis and that we were going to hook him up with Delta Goodrem.

Once inside it took no time to get Stuart into an awkward position, he went straight to the bar and ordered a Pimm’s and wanted to pay with a card.

The murmurs were deafening. We grabbed our pint of London Pride and left Broad on his own.

He turned to ask when Delta would be there, but by then a large sweaty hairy necked man was in his space asking what a pretty boy like him was doing there.

Broad looked around for help, everyone in the pub was just sitting on their stools hoping for blood.

He offered the large sweaty hairy necked man his credit cards, his trion Z wristband, his hugo boss underwear.  The man took offence at being mistaken for a common mugger, so he did what anyone would do: he smacked Broad in the guts.

Broad hit the ground coughing and spitting, but to his credit, he got back up.

At first he tried to get some of the spectators to ring the cops, he pleaded for forgiveness from his attacker, he said he was Stuart Broad, and he even he yelled out that he could see the ghost of Jane Goody in the bar, but none of it worked, and he was just backhanded across the face.

Still to his credit he kept trying to stop the pain. He tried to use logic, that no one would be the winner in this sort of incident, punch to the neck, that no man really wanted to hurt another man, head butt, that violence begets violence, but the large sweaty hairy necked man had grown bored of him by this time and threw an uppercut into his jaw lifting Broad off the ground for a second.

When Broad awoke the man was standing above him, cock out, and let go with a golden shower all over Broad. Stuart had no response to such an unexpected move. To my shock Broad almost smiled at this, he knew he was beaten by a better opponent and that the ordeal was over.

Eventually he got up and he came over to me and said, “It’s all a learning experience isn’t it, If I had my time again I think I could get out of it. I will bounce back, you mark my words”.

I nodded, I knew he was wrong, but he was stained with piss and blood, so I thought it was best to leave it at that. I took him to the Noodel bar down the road. He had the Pad Thai.

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