Those Harmy fans are almost as wacky as he is.
Thanks Ceci.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with steve harmison …
last week’s poll
What a poll this has been.
This is the biggest non Jacques Kallis landslide in the history of cricket with balls.
49% of you would cry if dry humped by Bhaji.
Presumably thats because you wouldn’t get touched by his supple wrist work.
This poll was flawed, as i forgot the thing that would make me cry the most, actually sitting down and talking to the man.
In the new poll i ask for you to be employment officer for Harmy.
You said I was your cousin!
Steve Harmison will consider quitting cricket if he is not selected for England again.
I think is speak for a lot of cricket fans the world over when I say,
Fu©k off.
No really, just fu©k off.
Don’t consider, just do it already.
There are a bunch of English bowlers who would play domestic cricket for 15 years just for the chance to play for England.
How hard is it to carry your own bags and take wickets domestically.
Ottis Gibson did it for fu©ksakes. And what is he, like 2000 years old?
Steve Harmison is finished.
He seems to spend more time saying odd things to the press than actually working on his game.
His one unplayable ball followed by 3 wides is no longer tolerated.
Even he is not interested.
But what would you do Harmy?
Fast bowling is the only thing you look like you can do, and you have never really mastered it.
However, given that Harmy has entertained me many times, often unintentionally, I thought I’d help out.
Jobs for Harmy.
Bouncer at a club, you are big and ugly enough.
Wax Statue of yourself at Madame Tussauds, you can go in the 2005 exhibition.
Press Secretary for George Bush.
Pakistani Dictator, being erratic is encouraged.
Or you could play Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men in high schools productions across England.
Freddy will make a good George when he works out his body was not made for non impact sport.
the easy target
Steve Harmison is an easy target.
I should know, I bag him often.
Firstly he looks dopey.
Secondly he bowls everywhere.
Thirdly he doesn’t like to travel.
Fourthly he likes to have his big brother freddy around.
And Fifthly, well just look at him.
Recently the abuse has come from the ex English elite. Boycott, Butcher and Caddick have bagged him also.
Geoffrey Boycott is a tool.
I love his commentating, but I understand he is a tool, and I embrace it. I take all his comments with a grain of salt and wait for him to say something else stupid.
He also loves to attack easy targets, Tait has depression, let’s bag him, Harmy is a nut case, let’s bag him, so that’s nothing new.
Mark Butcher, former nuggety out of his depth batsman for England, now super star captain of the surrey brown socks, said “Steve looks such a long way off”.
And he’d know, having not faced him for a good 6 months, but those microphones are hard to avoid when they are in your face.
Andy Caddick was England’s opening bowler through a period when Darren Gough was injured a lot.
Andy had an action that made him look like a slightly retarded version of Richard Hadlee, but he took wickets.
Then he got old, and no one wanted him anymore, he was always like the Christian uncle you did your best to avoid at parties. So England stopped inviting him.
He was 34 at the time. He figured he still had a good 10-12 years left in him.
The selectors chose Harmy, and even though it’s five years ago, Caddick still can’t help sticking the pointy toe into the ribs of the big unpredictable man.
“He frustrates me because he took over my spot and he can be a world player.”
Dude it was 5 years ago, if he hadn’t taken your spot some other dud would have.
I have mostly resisited the urge to bag Harmy in this post, maybe not mostly, but at least partly, but to be fair I will let Harmy have his say as well.
“Jesus Christ would be quite interesting, but Bart Simpson would be brilliant.”
Exactly.
KP & I
I think I have KP worked out.
This means one of two things, I too am a pretentious wanker who can annoy at first glance, or, somehow through my deep analysis of South Africans I have discovered what makes them tick.
I’m going with the former.
Let’s look at what we know about KP.
In South Africa he was generally ignored and quotaed against, whilst he thought everyone should talk about him, praise him and lick the grey sticky bits from outta his toes.
Goes to England and kicks ass like a German heavy metal band.
Finally gets into the one day side, plays his old country and treats them like a cheating husband caught on an anniversary with an uncomfortable looking goat.
Then everyone says, well KP, you’re a slogger, and your hairstyle makes us think of Vanilla Ice, so we don’t think we can pick you.
He responds by putting Australia over his knee and giving them the biggest non Lara Spanking in a long time.
Then whilst people are still doubting his technique, he plays across the line to much, he charges to much, he is way too confident to play for England too much, he smotes his way around the world.
What follows next is acceptance, is admiration, is why can’t we have a KP?
Which makes him think the world actually likes him, and a form slump follows.
You see KP needs to be hated, it is the very core of the man.
What else could explain the hair do, the friendship with Warney, the country of birth and the constant unnecessary charging of bowlers.
It’s either he needs to be hated, or he has a little wiener.
What has happened recently, the press have finally started covering his form slump, which was one that Graeme Smith or Mark Taylor would be proud of.
Suddenly, like a washed up rock star with a sampled track on the radio he dusted off his tight pants and made his way back to the stage.
His innings, which further illustrates how much better he is than anyone born in England, was the innings of a true test type test playing test understanding batsman.
Who knew.
But now how do the England keep him perennially thinking that his spot is in jeopardy and that no one likes him.
Actually scratch that, if anyone can do it, the English press can.
They can turn a previously well structured man into Steve Harmison.
Although with steve the well structured bit is probably not true.
grid iron, giant bugs and harold crick
For the last 3 weeks I have been working 15 and 16 hour days.
For someone as lazy as me it has been horrifying.
It also meant I haven’t seen a lot of cricket, or any movies.
Well tonight I made up for the film bit by watching three.
The first was Varsity Blues, the safe obvious MTV grid iron flick, with James Van Der Chin and Paul Walker.
After reading about Cameron White and his leadership qualities earlier today and watching James strut around as an artsy jock I realised the parallels were seemingly non existent.
Other than the fact they were both young leaders, and have square shoulders.
But I did ask myself how Cameron White would handle Jon Voight as coach of the bushrangers.
Then I thought about how Cameron White would have gone acting in Midnight Cowboy.
How would he and Dustin have reacted off each other, would the homosexual nature of the film bothered him.
Then I watched a scanner darkly, and suddenly the whole the English cricket team made sense to me.
They are constantly paranoid, all confused, not sure who they are, and at any time they might turn into bugs and turn each other in.
I could imagine being on a couch opposite Stevd Harmison as he turned into a bug.
Infact I think Steve may have started as a bug and turned into a human, well into someone who inhabits a human type shell.
There has also been a few times I’ve watched the English team and wished that it was all just a conspiracy forced upon us by government officials.
And KP would be a huge Keanu fan.
Then Stranger than fiction came on. The main character is called Harold Crick.
How freaky is that.
Crick, is the word Cricket, without the et.
I know.
I have only had 4 hours sleep in the last 48 hours, I apologise for this post.
steve
“I try my nuts off everytime”
Steve Harmison
I try, my, nuts off, everytime.
I try my nuts, off everytime.
I, try my nuts off, everytime.
I try my nuts, everytime.
My nuts try me everytime.
My nuts try off me everytime.
Thats it.
steve’s expensive balls
Steve Harmison is searching for the million dollar ball
Sounds like a reality show for the search for the perfect porn star.
Harmison is odd.
This is not a new revelation.
If he were born in a country with a consistently good cricket team that had a plethora of talented bowlers, he would probably not be playing international cricket.
Unfortunately these things do not exist in England.
They know he is a problem child, they know he is unpredictable, but deep down they know that if he were up and firing, he could be anything.
But potential is an uglier word than monogamy.
Steve is now either working his way towards an IPL contract, or he is trying to find the solid copper peanut inside his head.
Drastic action needs to be taken with him, without big brother Freddy around, he looks like a goat without its herder.
I suggest he forgets about this tour of New Zealand, hop on a boat for Mexico, go out to the desert and take a hat full of peyote.
Then he can run naked with the coyotes, play football with the locals and drink Cervasa with a pretty little senorita.
Then when his mind is somewhat closer to normal he can decide whether International Cricket is a beast he wishes to slay, or whether he will go to the IPL and collect his superannuation early.
clown make up and 50 odd overs
Being that I am now homeless, I get to stay at all my friends and families house.
Of course I am picky bastard, I only pick the ones that have pay TV.
Tonight that allowed me to watch the first day of the Sri Lanka England test.
How wonderful that was.
I got to see Monty doing his best Sgt Kabukiman impersonation, memo to all cricketers, white face paint is stupid, memo to all dark cricketers, white face paint applied badly looks like geisha make up.
England stated off with a couple of good balls from the 1977 gay porn star side bottom. Then he and the inverted Harmison took some dodgy decisions, but no one really cared, because everyone wanted to see Kumar and Mahela anyway.
Kumar and Mahela decided that runs are over rated. It’s a rare thing for batsmen to start playing for the light 8 minutes after lunch, but they managed to do so.
Mahela’s positive speech before the game really took effect as he and Kumar piled on the maidens with style. One nil is enough after all.
After the game went along, and along and along, Kumar hit a yawn up in the air off Harmison straight to Monty Kabukiman. After he took the catch, he ran in like he found the meaning of life in the outfield.
Perhaps the secret to life is white zinc, its worth looking into to.
At that stage the English turned, just for a moment they looked like they actually wanted to win the game, and with the runrate going backwards and Harmison bowling some spiking deliveries, a promising test looked likely.
Then it was stumps, after a massive 50 odd overs had been bowled.
For the first time in history the batting team were offered their sh1thouse run rate as a reason to go off. They took it.
50 odd overs, I sh1t you not.
If that was made common place, Shane Bond and Shoaib Ahktar could have great careers.
It all felt a little unsatisfying, although we did slip off to the nets at one stage for an hour to have a hit ourselves.
I bowled pretty quick at times, and my off spinners had Sime in trouble. Sime bowled really well and I spooned a bunch of balls towards imaginary cover fieldsman.
We seemed to only miss 20 odd runs.
Test cricket at its $exiest.
england are slain by the king
…
A very intelligent cricket blogger once wrote
If he averages under 70, England will win, if not, good luck England.
Before that he wrote
So far the King has made a 90 and just finished up with a nice little 1fiddy2 to put on the mantelpiece. And at stumps it looks like he may have won or drawn a game for the boys.
Not even a swarm of killer bees could stop him.
You have to feel sorry for the English, I don’t, but you have to.
Australia gets a Kumar free test, and then him scratching around in the first innings in Hobart.
England gets a man who just manhandled the best team in the world on their home turf, and then he goes home to celebrate Murali’s asterisk and Sanath’s farewell.
The aforementioned players were instrumental, but these days Kumar is the King and everyone else is just a jester.
Talking about Jesters, how come Harmison didn’t play?
Or maybe the better question should be, Harmison, what the fu©k? If I had his talent I’d talk a bigger game than Graeme Smith before a tour of Australia and I’d strut around like a world class peacock all day.
Big day for England tomorrow, if Sri Lanka start to struggle to get wickets I think the should bring the King on to bowl.
He can do everything else.
His recent form is worth a Portman from me. 
