Mitchell Johnson can be a monster.

Mitchell Johnson often bowls balls that barely hit the cut strip.

Mitchell Johnson seems like a good bloke.

Mitchell Johnson is prone to bouts of bowling hopelessness.

Mitchell Johnson can bowl very fast.

Mitchell Johnson is a confidence bowler.

Mitchell Johnson can hurt people.

Mitchell Johnson is not the most stable individual.

Mitchell Johnson can donate runs.

Mitchell Johnson has destroyed good batting line ups.

Mitchell Johnson is the new Steve Harmison.

These are all vague generalisations, but you know, kinda right.

I’m not writing this for any reason other than I thought it would be nice to write a post about someone being the new someone without mentioning the person who people usually mention when the are new someoneing a bowler.

Shouldn’t: He is a bit mental

Should: He gets freakish bounce.

Shouldn’t: He bowls to second slip.

Should: He is fast, experienced and hungry.

Shouldn’t: He is a gerbil crossed with an electric tie organiser.

Should: Phil Hughes can’t play him.

Shouldn’t: Phil Hughes also can’t play Pepsi Sandri either.

Should: Freddie will look after him.

Shouldn’t: Freddie can’t look after his fucking self.

Should: Harmy plays good in England.

Shouldn’t: The first test is in Wales.

Should: Harmy loves playing in the Ashes.

Shouldn’t: He averages 42 in the Ashes.

Should: Will either excite us with great cricket, or make us laugh by playing shit.

Shouldn’t: Will probably make at least one side cry.

It was a confusing day for England.

Not for Australia.

Phillip Hughes played his first game for Middlesex, and the most predictable thing happened.

A hundred.

The boy seems to ooze runs from every available orifice.

Before today no one knew if Phil could play in English conditions.

He could have been a little Michael Clarke or Douggie Waltersesque.

That looks less likely now.

There is a sense of eager overachiever about Phil, I can see him pissing off a great deal of people, sort of like the a young know it all kid who is good at computers and has way too much confidence for his general appearance.

I think I like him though, he seems to make alot of runs, but does it so ugly.

A sportsman needs a weakness for me to like them.

I know I’m sick.

If Phil had a perfect technique, I’d probably hate him.

But for now I like him, even if he is a tad predictable.

Has he been dropped?

Is he part of an eloborate plan to keep English cricket down?

You decide.

Don’t think about it too much though.

1st test Freddie, Broad, Panesar, Sidebottom, Harmison

2nd test Freddie, Broad, Panesar, Sidebottom, Anderson

3rd test Freddie, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Harmison

4th test Broad, Swann, Anderson, Sidebottom

All of this and one injury has forced a change.

According to Michael Holding “If you don’t pick Harmison on this pitch, you might as well tell him to pack his bags and go home”.

Does anyone expect harmy to last on tour?

Other than the selectors.

Its not all bad news though, Ravi is in, which means Bell is out.

That isn’t true, it smells of poo stained undergarments.

But i digress, Lawson believes it is a double standard that the Ashes went on in 2005 after the bombs on the trains, and they left this time.

I have used a similar argument before, only for Australia, and i was right.

Australia wouldn’t tour Pakistan, even though they were not the targets.

England left India because people with guns were cutting down Whities.

See the Difference Geoff, its tiny, but its there.

Lawson is not way off the mark here, Terrorism happens everywhere, and as far as i know the only terrorist action ever aimed at cricket directly was at the MCG, and i think it was for a footy game anyway.

But this was different than normal terrorist actions.

Bombs are indiscriminate, they are the lazy way, ot the populist way of getting rid of people.

This was people going from hotel to hotel with guns looking for whities, Poms & Yanks especially, to kill.

The English cricket team stay in hotels.

All cricket teams stay in hotels in India.

Not all teams go in the tube.

The chances of a player being caught in the tube, mid tour, during a terrorist attack, is less than Natalie Portman doing a strip tease act with a cricket bat as a prop for my 30th birthday.

Or at least the same.

So that is the difference, that is why England went home instead of playing 2 useless one dayers.

That is why Harmy doesn’t want to tour.

The players are scared, because their nationality, at a hotel they stayed at was targeted.

Terrorism scares them, but indiscriminate bombs in public areas they can live with, they might not like them, but they can live with them, because they are not aimed at them.

This was aimed at them, and for someone like harmy, who would have never left the north of england without cricket, that is scary.

And with all that in mind England are planning on coming back,

“The ECB has informed the Indian board it has agreed to tour India and play two tests, the first at Chennai from December 11-15 and the second at Mohali from December 19-23. The tour will be officially cleared after discussions between the ECB’s security consultant and officials in India, N Srinivasan, the BCCI secretary, said.”

Maybe without Harmy, but he doesn’t like travelling at the best of times.

cricketwithballs

Is anybody surprised that Harmy is the first player mentioned as a possible non tourist.

This giving the players a chance to choose whether they go back is very nice and cuddly, but it does open up a fresh can of crap.

If half the players want to go, and half don’t, can England still send a team over, knowing their best players are not playing?

Should players decide individually, and not as a team?

Is Harmy really part gerbil?

cricketwithballs

Like a rubix cube pre 84.

Not that long ago he was searching for the million dollar ball.

Now he believes the Ashes are more Important than the Stanford grab for cash.

Surely not.

Stanford has black bats and big bags of cash.

What does the ashes have, some replica urn and a history people can’t agree over.

Does Alan know about his views, surely he could be shot or something.

That is the American way isn’t it.

Harmy might turn up and Stanford will put him in guantanamo bay, with all the other people who think 2020 is crap.

A few months ago he looked likely to end up playing ICL with Russel Arnold.

Now he is back, and he has 9 months to stay in the side to play in the Ashes.

That is a long time.

Stanford is something he will definitely play in.

By the time of the Ashes he could be in a sanatorium in Guatemala.

He may be in a bar on the moon winning a dance off.

Or perhaps he create a gollum and take over Auckland.

All of these are as likely as Steve being in the English team for the Ashes.

So I will give out the special English domestic cricket with balls awards.

Today we have the Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs Awards.

Johnny Cash Award

Tough one in this season, Eyelids Pattinson came from no where and took wickets in every orifice.

Imran Tahir is a journeyman, but he took Hampshire on a ride from relegation to Championship contender.

He may not have been good enough to play for Western Australia for most of his career, but Murray Goodwin was all over the domestic competitions this year. Ask Notts.

Fuck them all though, Steve Harmison gave Durham a weapon of mass destruction and they used it t win the championship, so he gets the award.

The Steve Jobs award

Dirty Dirk Nannes diving to give Middlesex millions in the Caribbean and India.

The best fielding from a bad (read shithouse) fielder ever.

It was not the dive of a Kolpak cashing in, it was the dive of a man who wants to win at every he plays at.

I also like the idea that the worst fielder in the side saved the side after a wayward throw from a much better fielder almost lost it in one throw.

Tomorrow is the andy warhol and briteny spears awards.