What they don’t tell you is why some people simply dislike certain players, for no apparent reason.

Obviously, such assessments are, by and large, only valid once a player has retired and a small amount of time has passed. After all, everyone needs a chance to prove themselves – as Marvan Attapattu would testify.

So, with one exception to that rule, here are my least favourite five:

5. Ramnaresh Sarwan

It’s not anything that Sarwan has done to me personally. It’s not even what he has done on the pitch. But there is something about him which just screams ‘Humourless, self-centred, prick’. The stories of him spending charity dinners on the phone chatting to his mates don’t help, of course, but the biggest injustice is that Sir Viv’s career was blighted by haemorrhoids and Sarwan’s hasn’t been.

4. Raymond Illingworth

Where do I begin? Being a momumental egomaniac? Never admitting to ever having got anything wrong, ever? Ripping into David Gower for a brilliant runout because he might have given away an overthrow? Claiming to have been bowled off a plantain in the pitch? Or being the worst England Chairman of Selectors ever – no mean achievement in a field which also includes Peter May, Alec Bedser and Ted Dexter? It doesn’t really matter, the man was the epitome of ‘unloveable’.

3. Terry Alderman

Not because of his systematic torturing of English batsmen during the 1980s. Not because he once injured himself tackling a streaker. And not because he looked like a stormtrooper in that stupid white helmet. Simply because he was such a monumental arse, he was the only player to refuse me an autograph at Eden Park in 1982. Hell, Gary Troup even signed my scorecard right next to where I had recorded his dismissal. Even the freaking umpires were giving autographs. But the Great Terry Alderman thought it was all beneath him and strode off the pitch, shaking his head at every request. Cunt.

2. Michael Atherton

Why everyone thinks that Atherton was some sort of cricketing genius is beyond me. As a captain, he lacked inspiration and insight. He had no clue how to use a spinner, completely shafted Mike Smith on his one Test appearance and was among the first to have his head drop when things went against England. Yes, he was a great batsman, but that doesn’t tell the whole story. Just read Steve James’ description of Atherton’s duplicity when they walked out to open in his first Test to see what I mean. Adding this together means that whilst some lauded the Atherton autobiography as a standout example of the genre, I read it as 200+ pages of someone shouting ‘LOOK AT ME, I AM AN ENORMOUS COCK’

1. Tillekeratne Dilshan

The winner by a country mile, for one very obvious thing. If you are a budding international cricketer, and if you want to change your name, don’t change it to that of your national captain, you enormous fucking suckup. It doesn’t matter what you have done or will do in your career, Dilshan, in my book you will always be the bloke who chugged a metaphorical nine incher to further your career. Need I explain further?

The Indian players should be getting thier shots for Africa.

They cannot lose this test.

It shouldn’t even be called a test, it should be called a walk in the park with a loved one.

Although it should be shorter and catchier.

I say all this because I said South Africa couldn’t win the last test, and they won by an innings and change.

So I figured I might as well give it another go.

Things that are more likley to happen than the Kiwis winning.

Tony Greig admitting he is the reason Brett Lee and his wfe split, cause he wouldn’t stop humping Lee’s leg.

KP announcing he is quitting cricket to find himself by trekking through the himilayas with a robot monkey.

Sunil Gavaskar to finally admit he is a painful bore more often than not.

Arjuna Ranatunga to become a freegan.

Michael Holding to say he always wished he was white, and that he could play the recorder.

Stephen Fleming to start writing for the Daily Mail.

New Zealand has no hope, if they weren’t at home, i’d tell them to go home and not to bother themselves with this match.

India will win, inside 4 days, Bhajji will dance, Zaheer will be a hottie, and people will start to wonder why India has to beat up New Zealand in so many test matches.

Updated with new lady blogger.

Miriam

Catch phrase – “You know what this post needs, an indifferent cat.”

Writing style – educated, well thought out, excited, mildy perverted. Uses Grammar, will do anything for a guy with a big dictionary, and generally likes a dot point or two. Occasionally lets her love for certain cricketers permeate her writing .

Cricket Pedigree – Played cricket in the dust on holidays in Sri Lanka as a child, but fell in love with the game during the 1990 Lords test v India. Her love of cricket is nothing to do with the men, because in the 1990s the men in question were Gooch, Gatting, etc. Now, feeds the obsession (which was once once described as borderline aspergers) by going to Surrey games, collecting Wisden almanacks and watching literally any cricket on tv.

Favourite Players – Piyush Chawla, Shahadat Hossain, Jesse Ryder, any Sri Lankan.

Most Hated Players – Hate is a negative destructive emotion, but: South Africans (except for Vernon Philander, whom she would marry for the name), and Matthew Hayden (whom she would not marry for the name even though she likes classical music).

Pet Peeves – cricketers with rituals at the crease, because once you notice them there’s no un-noticing them. Overuse of emoticons. Unkindness.

Sime

Catchphrase – “the way it used to be”

Writing style – considered, well thought out, in depth, makes constant references to Uncle J Rod’s ex girl friends and likes to use………. Instead of one full stop. Bad grammar.

Cricket pedigree – front foot player, defensive when compared to dashing players like Bill Lawry or Geoffrey Boycott. Bowls extremely slow right arm off the wrong foot. Worst person to bowl to in backyard cricket, as will leave any ball a fraction away from off stump.

Favourite players – Any Australian captain other than Mark Taylor. Sanath Jayasuriya.

Most hated players – Any South African, KP, Mark Taylor, Sourav Ganuly, Stephen Fleming. Shane Watson.

Pet peeves – People who play across the line, people who he thinks have bad techniques, any captain who isn’t an Australian.

Big daddy

Catch phrase – “he’s shitter than Michael kasprowicz”

Writing style – passionate, non-linear, writes like he is yelling at the computer, good with a one liner and tries to piss people off.

Cricket Pedigree – Leg Spinner, turned the ball a long way, great flight. Worst batsmen in his whole extended family (family known for supplying the tail of many sides). Can play one shot, the cut, plays it no matter where the ball is pitched.

Favourite Players – GLENN MCGRATH (bordering on stalking or a man crush, seriously he made me edit this and put his name in capitals) Andrew Symonds, Justin Langer, Stephen Fleming Sachin Tendulkar, Lance Klusenor, Brad Hogg and Shahid Afridi.

Most hated players – All South Africans, Arjuna Ranatunga, Chris Cairns, Aravinda de Silva, Michael Kasprowicz, Shoaib Ahktar, Murali, Hansie Cronje, Herschelle Gibbs, Sourav Ganguly, Andrew Strauss, Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth.

Pet Peeves – When Thommo miss pronounces McGrath’s name. When non talented Queensland blowers get picked for Australia, when sub continent players cheat.

Uncle J Rod

Catch phrase – “that reminds me of this girl I used to”

Writing style – right brain, analogies, talks shit, mentions sex in like every fucking post, Natalie Portman references, too many film references, tries to be funny, quick to anger. Spells names wrong, doesn’t use capitals when he should.

Cricket Pedigree – All rounder. Bowled leggies, but they didn’t spin much. Attacking batsmen, thrown away more good starts than he’s had cold beers. Captained and stood at first slip as much as possible.

Favourite Players – Ian Harvey, Adam Gilchrist, David Hussey, Wasim Akram, Curtly Ambrose, Bryce McGain, Mushtaq Ahmed, Chris Gayle, Cameron White, Dirk Nannes, Stephen Fleming, Keith Miller and Matthew Elliott.

Most Hated Players – Any fucking South Africans, Sourav Ganguly, Brad Hogg, Brad Haddin, Andy Bichel, most New South Welshman, Simon Katich, and Adam Parore.

Pet Peeves – Captains who play boring defensive ass cricket to keep their job, spinners who bowl flat, countries trying to play like Australia, the amount of one day cricket, south africans, and the fact Natalie Portman has not slept with me (um, sorry, him). Globalisation, two party democracy, the moral majority, private sectors ruling governments, they way poor nations are used and abused by rich white dudes and the fact that my local bus doesnt stick to the time table. Tony Greig.

I think I wrote something eloquent about him when his retirement was forced upon him.

That’s right I compared him to Chomsky and called him a mad scientist to boot, but I meant it in the nicest possible way.

Anyway today is his last innings and he has left us with a beautifully crafted fleming 60 odd.

No man of the modern era has given us more fluent and frustrating starts than Flem.

But unlike other English foreplay bastmen, Fleming turned foreplay into something more thatn what happens before penetration.

Picture a man with no penis, how does he ensure his lady friend is satisfied, well for hours on end, night after night he comes up with a foreplay of exquisite skill, fluid strokes and eye catching follow throughs.

This may not be what all ladies want, but for the Kiwi public, it did the trick time and time again.

Ofcourse that may have been because the rest of the Kiwi batsmen were frigid.

Fleming has kept us interested in New Zealand in a way that only Bad Taste and Flight of the Conchords have managed to better.

So for you Flem, I will reprint the lyrics to the Flight of the Conchords song that reminds me the most of you.

Looking at the room, I can tell that you.
Are the most beautiful girl in the…room.
(In the whole wide room).
And when you’re on the street, depending on the street.
I bet you are definitely in the top 3.
Good lookin girls on the street.
(Depending on the streets).
And when I saw you at my man’s place.
I thought…what, is she, doing…at my man’s place.
How did he get a hottie like that to a party like this?
Good one, Dave.
(Ooh, you’re a LEGEND, Dave).

I asked Dave if he’s going to move on you.
He’s not sure.
“Dave, do you mind if I do?”
He says he doesn’t mind.
But I can tell he kind of minds.
But I’m going to do it anyway.

I see you standing all alone by the stereo.
I dim the lights down very low.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a waitress.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a air hostess in the 60s.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a part-time model.
But then I seal the deal, I do my moves.
I do my dance moves.

Lets travel through, just me and you.
As other dudes around you on the dance floor.
I draw you near, lets get out of here.
Lets get in a cab. I’ll buy you a kabeb.
I can’t believe. I’m sharing a kabeb.
With the most beautiful girl I have ever seen with a kabeb.
Oh, why don’t we leave?
Lets go to my house.
We can feel each other up on the couch.
Oh no, I don’t mind taking it slow.

Cause you’re so beautiful…
Like a tree. Or a high class prostitute.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a part time model.
But you’d probably still have to keep your normal job.
A part time model.
Spend part of your time modeling.
And part of your time next to me.

That’s right flem, you are the most beautiful batsmen in the whole wide team.

Stephen Fleming, enigma. The most graceful batsman of his generation by a mile, yet the inescapable view is that he could have achieved more. A frustration that is heightened further by the fact he has been pushed out around 3 years too early.

The base stats are well-known. 43 half-centuries with only 9 centuries which is a lamentable conversion rate. Yet when he did reach 3 figures he was close on unstoppable. 3 of those innings were converted into double centuries; he had an average in those innings of 226.

He started his international career running with a tail-wind, and the feeling was that New Zealand had found the obvious replacement for the then semi-crippled Martin Crowe. But in retrospect the early signs were there. In both his test and ODI debuts he was dismissed for scores in the 90s.

It was 3 years before the elusive test century, but that did not prove to be the watershed people had expected; the batting contradictions just kept piling up.

UK cricket blog Republique Cricket pointed out some of many inconsistencies on his batting.

“The other strange thing about Fleming vs. Sri Lanka, was that he averaged over 100 in Sri Lanka, but 33 at home, which is quite bewildering.”

The Sri Lanka angle continues, which is not surprising given the avalanche of series between the 2 countries throughout the duration of his career. He rightly rates the 274* in Colombo as one of the great innings of all time, and contrasts that with the fact he was to go on to become Vaas’s bunny. The fallowing over to one side and being trapped plumb in front is another Fleming legend.

His batting was clearly hampered by so often having to cover for those around him. For a large part of the latter segment of his career he took over opening, due to a combination of a lack of quality openers and a log-jam in the middle order. Captains of past years would have played the seniority card and stuck to their favoured position, but Captain Fleming led from the front. Bradman would roll in his grave at such a style of captaincy.

This prevented his average rising through the 40s, and meant that he lost a lot of the natural freedom from earlier in his career. Less renowned as an ODI batsman, he still played NZ’s finest innings in that form of the game in gunning down Donald and co in a World Cup match at Fortress Wanderers.

But it is for his captaincy that he will be mainly remembered. He was our youngest ever captain; thrown the role as a stop-gap measure following some outstandingly bitchy years of conflict between Crowe, Howarth, Rutherford, Turner, Germon, Cairns and Parore, and even Danny Morrison with each of these people seeking absolute power in some modern low-rent Shakespearean plot. There were some pretty dominant personalities in this list, encompassing, in no particular order, perfectionists, spoilt brats, a player with delusions of grandeur, another with a massive chip on the shoulder, a puppet and a drunk. This was one massive mess to take over for a 23 year-old.

It was initially assumed he was just the front man for the spoilt brat brigade, but along with Rixon, soon stamped his style on things. And after Rixon departed, he took more control of things and carved out an impressive legacy, especially considering the lack of resources he usually had to battle with.

Nowhere was this better summed up than at Cricket with Balls where he is even compared to Noam Chomsky. Although we can not recall if Fleming ever told Kim Hill to f-off on live TV.

“I wish there were more captains like Fleming, he captained like a mad scientist, rather than the McDonald’s Managers most captains are.”

The apex of his captaincy career was during the Australia tour of 2001/02. This was a tour that saw Australia come within a few blind pieces of umpiring from a Zimbabwean umpire to winning a series on Australian soil. He had some luck; rain in the games where NZ struggled, but he maintained an attacking and innovative approach throughout, helped by the fact he suddenly had an attacking bowler at his disposal.

He used the full range of tricks here; declaring after just scraping past the follow-on mark to force S Waugh’s hand, packing half the team in Martyn’s favourite area (Martyn was never the same again) and getting Adam Parore to annoy everyone by blocking during a run “chase” thereby eliminating the home side and becoming a real hero in Perth.

Not only did he pick a tactic that was going to wind the locals up, but he got the most irritating person in the team to do it. That is true genius. But we always said he was more Australian than the Aussies themselves

As for his batting, he will probably go down as the best ever #5 New Zealand never had.

To read Sportsfreak’s latest post, a vicious anti sledging vitriol, click here.

At the time I was just trying to sound intelligent.

But now I look back, I realise I am a genius, and you should all listen to me more often.

Noam Chomsky is a leftist writer who uses big words and believes America is out to get him.

Fleming used a left wing game plan, uses big words and generally thinks Australia is out to get him.

Ofcourse if Fleming was Chomsky, that makes Ponting Michael Moore.

People either think Fleming is an overrated nerd who couldn’t bat, or a tactical genius who almost took down the Australians and regularly won one day games he shouldn’t have.

I tend to think he was a genius, but I was a captain, and captains tend to rate captains higher.

What he did do was captain an extremely average side.

Yet somehow under him New Zealand were never that bad.

He never had the cattle to make a great team, he never had the hat to make himself a great cowboy, but he got the most out of himself and out of his team, and you have to respect him for that.

Even if you think he was a shocking bat.

I wish there were more captains like Fleming, he captained like a mad scientist, rather than the McDonald’s Managers most captains are.

Without guys like Fleming, cricket would still be stuck in the 1800’s and we would all be bored sh1tless.

But for the average leftist person, Michael Moore’s jokey easy style is a lot easier to follow the Noam’s darkly multilayered manuscripts.