There was a time when Morne Morkel was thought of as a potential all rounder, now he bats at 11. He reminds me of a German shepherd I once owned. It was a big strong animal that would scare anyone who saw it, but it was also afraid of butterflies. Is proper scary on a good day, pace and bounce both come out of his large featureless appearance. Of all modern test bowlers with any real skill, he is the most likely to bowl an over that would embarrass someone bowling for the first time. Says he wants to model himself on Glenn McGrath, only recently has that become clear that he meant with his batting.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with saffas …
Duckworth and Lewis get MBEs
John Dyson and the South African cricket team sigh.
Blood on the ball
Today a pointless one dayer had a moment of pure cricket goodness.
Johan Botha got a leading edge into his face.
This leading edge had enough force on it to wedge itself between three hard places, the grill, the lid of the helmet and the Robotic Kevin Bacon face of Johan Botha.
Just the ball getting wedged in the grill is a great scene, but for him then to take off the helmet, with ball still wedged, and reveal his now bloody face, that is just awesomeness wrapped in just more awesomeness.
This was the proof I didn’t want, that Johan Botha is human.
Blood on the face of a batsmen is about my favourite place for blood to be.
And this was oozing out of his eye at a decent rate.
Usually the best part would be the blood on the pitch, but Botha took it to new extremes. The dude got blood on the ball.
I’m sure it has happened before, but generally that would be on a red ball, one day cricket finally made sense to me when that ball just had a dollop of red stuff on it.
Botha retired hurt, and the ball was replaced.
The story doesn’t end though as Botha’s face was kept together with sticky tape and chewing gum and he was sent back out.
But here is where the script writers fucked up, the ball didn’t come back.
If I was Botha I would have walked back out and demanded that the bloody ball be re-introduced.
Even if it was just for one ball.
Imagine the story, dude gets smacked in the face, loses blood on the ball, comes back without any bandages only a few overs left and the fast bowler is using the ball that is soaked in his blood.
That is my kind of cricket.
the world t20 team report card
Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.
They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.
Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.
Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.
Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.
Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.
England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.
Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.
India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.
Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.
Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.
Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.
New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.
A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.
Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.
Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.
South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.
These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.
Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.
Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.
West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.
The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.
Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.
They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.
The beginning of the end for Boucher
There have been very few South African cricketers that I have cared about at all.
Andre Nel, Pat Symcox and Brian McMillan were all favourites, but mostly because I assumed they were all insane, a character flaw I like in cricketers.
Of the cricketers that are less likely to kill you, Mark Boucher is the one South African who I admire the most.
I probably shouldn’t. Boucher’s record with the bat is poor for a modern keeper, and while he started brilliantly (even breaking a record of the great Darren Chuck Berry) with the gloves I should be disappointed that over the years his keeping has faded to its current levels.
He is just a tough son of a bitch.
There is a lot of posturing in South African cricket. Men who talk up how hard they are, stand tall, beat average cricketers, and then ultimately fail when the real test is put on them.
Boucher was there for when that was at its very worst, but the mud never stuck on him.
His toughness was not painted on before getting on the field, he just seemed tough. Yet he still had a face of a guy you could take home for your mother.
And that is not to say he didn’t do his share of fucking up, his D/L fuck up against Murali cost South Africa a chance of choking later in the 03 world cup.
There was a touch of old school about him. An inner mongrel that had to be admired. Every time he came in to bat his average would flash up on the screen and I’d be shocked at how low it was.
He was a throw back to when your wicket keeper was your son of a bitch who was in the team because he could be handy in a fight and he batted that way. He didn’t score runs, he earnt them. He had some pretty shots, but he also had slogs, bunts, scrappiness about him.
Early on in his career he was a keeper’s keeper. Over the years his footwork got sloppy, his hands less sure, and perhaps had he not been such a mentally strong team man he would have disappeared.
That he didn’t showed the value he brought to the camp. He was kept there to be the spine in an often spineless team.
I always thought he would make a good leader, but he seemed to relish the role of second in charge. Baulking at opportunities to take over that never made sense to me, but he knows his limitations better than most. And as Clint Eastwood once mumbled, “a man’s got to know his limitations”.
Now, and not for the first time, South Africa is using an alternative. Someone with way more talent than Boucher (at least in batting), but little of the fortitude. In the past this has meant little and eventually they go back to Boucher, not for his skill, but for every thing else he brings.
At 33, they might still go back to him, and he might even keep his test job for a little while longer. But this is the beginning of the end, Boucher is a strong man, but South African cricket needs to look into the future, and he is at the wrong age for that.
If you were leaving a pub and walking down a back alley late at night with Boucher beside you when you were surround by 4 heavy looking dudes with knives, you’d almost back yourself to survive it. He is gristle, and you just feel that while he may not help you beat the 4 dudes, he may be able to fight them off long enough to get away.
There may have been bigger, scarier looking and better players than Boucher in the South African team over the years, but he’d be the one for me in a grubby back alley knife fight.
the south africa early departure pro forma
A highly rated (I think most bookies had them as second or third favourites) team doesn’t make the semi finals of a tournament.
They win 2 of the 5 matches scheduled for them.
One of those against a team who was in the outer limits of world cricket only a few months ago.
The other against a team who also couldn’t make the semi finals.
If this team was India, England, or Australia, it would be a small story.
But it is South Africa, and that word will come out.
It seems every tournament South Africa go out, and then I, and everyone else with a voice, feel the need to say something. Or laugh. Or say something and laugh.
I have no idea whether South Africa choked or not, they certainly should have won the game, but they played the game as if almost all of them were locked in a giant tub of vanilla ice cream.
Maybe they choked on the ice cream, maybe no one told them they could eat their way out of the tub.
I don’t know, and I really don’t care.
So instead of writing about how they go out early in every fucken major tournament I’m going to start the bloggers and media pro forma South Africa exit article. This should be used by everyone instead of really looking at the major reasons for the loss as that might one day lead to sympathy for South Africa, or South Africans.
“Headline: South Africa crash out following loss to {insert team name}
Body: Today South Africa were bundled out of the {insert tournament name}.
There were many reasons for the loss, but none was more evident than {choose from duckworth lewis/general stupidity/choking/fate}.
The captain {insert name} has come under flak, as has the form of several experienced players.
While several fans are claiming South Africa choked, the team management believes that {aliens/ICC bias/Lalit Modi/Fog/Freemasons} are to blame.
A thorough review of the tournament will be held by Cricket South Africa when the daggers are taken out of {insert name of best scapegoat}”
I also have a pro forma for when South Africa win.
“Headline: South Africa win, fuck me sideways
Body: It had to happen one day. “
South Africa invades Afghanistan
Most people like seeing minnows play well. That seems to be even more true for Afghanistan, because they’ve been through some shit, and I don’t mean having to watch Paul Collingwood bat on the last day.
So when Afghanistan bowled well against South Africa it was a great thing. Their leggie was exceptional, their quick was actually quick, and they did well to keep South Africa down below par.
Then they batted.
Now South Africa are well known for a bit of minnow crushing. While other sides get complacent or feel bad for beating a developing nation, South Africa take pride in stamping the life out of them.
Against Bangladesh, South Africa put on big jack boots and stomp the toygers into the kitchen floor until there is nothing but a puddle of blood, flesh, fur and bones.
Compared to how they beat Afghanistan, their stomping of bangladesh seemed rather cuddly.
Coming out onto the ground in a good mood, Afghanistan had no idea the horror that was about to be unleashed on them.
Finding the bluntest saw they could find, South Africa started by cutting off each toe, finger, nipple, and testicle one after the other. Placing them all in front of Afghanistan.
They then cutting off one arm and both legs.
Occasionally they sprayed them with sulphuric acid or just burnt them with cigarette butts.
That took too long, so they they took a blow torch and went about burning different sections of skin, until the body of Afghanistan was either bleeding from being sawed, or burnt.
South Africa then left the room, leaving an opened door and let the bleeding and burnt Afghanistan to edge towards the door being dragged by their one arm, only for South Africa to come back in, close the door, pick Afghanistan up chuck it in a bath full of Dermestid beetles while South Africa sat listening to Phil Collins and drinking a glass of red wine.
It turned out that the beetles don’t eat live flesh so instead of finishing of Afghanistan they just wandered around, but South Africa didn’t notice and had already left to watchold episodes of Herman’s Head.
The ICC sent in a clean up team. A week later.
The World T20 thingy (chapter 3)
New Zealand
Every world tournament means one thing, ignoring New Zealand’s chances of winning the tournament.
Can New Zealand make the semi finals?
It is their rightful place in world tournaments, so I can only hope so. A team with Dictator Dan, Prince Brendon, Ross Taylor, Jesse Ryder and Shane Bond should do some damage along the way. Dan thinks they can win, and I’ve never had much luck arguing with people in beards.
Players to watch or not
Jesse is back. So is Aaron Redmond.
It should also be mentioned that Rob Nichol has been picked, and from the pic on cricinfo he looks like he is trying to out “metal” Ryan Sidebottom. I’ve never seen him play, or rock out.
Pakistan
They won this tournament 15 minutes ago. Since then the PCB has had some of the greatest hissy fits ever. I am now not even sure if they have 20 players to choose from. Shahid is captain. Nothing can go wrong there.
Can they go back to back?
This is Pakistan, so any real assumption of how they will go should be ignored due to the fact that no one really knows what they will do, least of all them. But I can’t see them winning this time. Shahid is their inspiration, but he does his best as a free spirit roaming the field of play, not as the man you look up to for steely eyed guidance.
Players to watch for or not
Abdul Razzaq is playing so you can marvel at this amazing specimen; he will be the first 50 year old cricketer to play back to back World T20s.
Umar Akmal should be good for youthful aggression and all the hijinks that come from it.
South Africa
This is an international tournament, so they are massive underdogs already. This time they come in with their key T20 weapon as Jacques Kallis. Wow.
Can they win?
Would have to fix a few key problems like the injury to Smith, and the form of Gibbs, Duminy, and Ab DeVilliers. In some ways Bangladesh look like they have a better batting line up when form is mentioned. They still have Morne and Steyn, but hard to see how they could win the tournament coming in with this limping side and that huge ICC sanctioned monkey resting on their shoulders.
Players to watch or not
Juan Theron sounds like he should be staging a coup in Chile. Bowls slow, but good slow, like Chaminda Vaas, except right handed, and less cute.
Loots Bosman was brought into international cricket for the headlines, “England find out who the Bosman is”. Alastair Cook is not a fan.
Amla is unmovable, so is India
When you click on the cricinfo link to the scorecard for the Eden Gardens’ test the first name you see is Hashim Amla.
That is just how their live scorecard works.
It isn’t making a statement with his name; he was just not out, after facing a few more than a hundred overs to win a series for his country.
He couldn’t win the series, but India must have realised that in order to win this test they were essentially only a chance when he was at the non-strikers’ end.
490 runs for one out in three innings. That is batting.
Before the English series Amla was averaging a very bland 40 with the bat after 37 tests.
On a older test match sofa podcast I said he had talent but had been a massive underachiever.
Now he has conquered India.
His team hasn’t, but he has.
Sometimes you can play in six tests when you are in form and it changes the trajectory of your career, at other times you will remember them as the six tests when you didn’t suck.
And in these two tests Amla definitely did not suck.
His calm head today made his team mates look like they were panic buying before the Mayan prophecies came true.
This isn’t the strongest Indian attack of all time, but Bhajji was humming, Mishra was more than handy, and it wasn’t like the rest of the South Africans looked like staying in. Prince offered 23 runs as second highest scorer if you don’t count Extras.
While two tests is still not a series, what two tests these were.
Steyn’s bowling, Amla’s batting, Sehwagology, and Tendulkar’s hundreds all set this up.
Nothing could beat the end of the day.
At one end you had Amla batting like he was made of granite.
At the other end was a collection of leg spin, off spin and Sachin spin trying to pry out South Africa’s former number 8 as the minutes ticked away.
Match winning hauls, stoic defense, amazing attack, all packed into a seriesette.
Plus the result was right.
It proved that no team really deserved to take the crown, but that both teams could kick some ass when they got their shit together.
India are number one, which seems odd when in 50% of this seriesette they were beaten up.
Ofcourse with South Africa now winning 3 of their last 9 tests, India’s record is looking more and more impressive.
In the end the artificial ranking system means nothing, look at the player and crowd reaction to that win, that means more than anything a statistician can table.
Now all I need to do is stop wishing this was a 5 test series…
intruders and draws
A couple of years back a dude broke into my house.
Unfortunately I was home at the time.
The dude saw me, ran off and stole a virtually worthless laptop.
He has never come back.
Having intruders in your home sucks a fair chunk of ass.
India recently invited an intruder to their house in a macho manoeuvre to show their superiority, then 11 big bastards turned up and mugged their team.
In the last 10 years India have beaten South Africa at home once, lost once, drawn once, and now can only win or draw.
That must hurt.
India has seen South Africa choke in big tournaments, struggle against England and only win one series against Australia (a team India has done pretty well against).
India have only ever won two series against South Africa, there first was back when I had only had sex once, and was wearing out copy of Basic Instinct on VHS.
The other was over 5 years ago.
It should be mentioned that India are pretty good at home.
So when an intruder (invited or otherwise) comes in to where you are good, and makes you less than good, that is really less than good. Exactly.
India has already given this series up, but a draw is needed to keep some sort of faith.
The way modern test series have gone of late, well at least those with England in them, a win after a loss by over an innings is possible.
India have even tried to pick a test team for this match, although I am pissed off they have abandoned the New Zealand tactic of employing two keepers in a game.
India losing the first test sort of ended this as a legitimate title fight (South Africa ruined their part in it by not beating England at home); the only result that could possibly explain the world of cricket right now would be India winning this test to draw the series.
When the best Test cricket can do is a hasty two test world championship series (if two tests is really a series, and it isn’t) between a side that can’t beat the heavyweights away from home and a side that coming into the series has won 2 of 8 tests it deserves nothing more than a draw.
It doesn’t even deserve Dale Steyn or Sehwag.
Those two should be rested on grounds of unnatural awesomeness.
This series deserves more Paul Harris.
2010: where mediocrity ruled the world.
