Tagged with simon katich

Australia fail in 20 over chase

New Zealand set Australia 106 to chase, but even though it was only marginally more than 5 runs an over Australia could not get over the line. Australia’s record in 20 over chases outside Australia continues to be quite shit.

Phil Hughes, who sees all innings as auditions for the IPL incase he gets bad press again, was at his attacking best. In two overs he inspired 23 runs off New Zealand’s most trusted bowlers. This included a smack over mid on for six from Vettori and his normal ugly effectiveness against the quicks. Hughes bludgeoned 86 off 75 balls.

At the other end, Katich protested the whole 20 over concept, his strike rate of 27 was a personal statement on what form of cricket he likes best. Katich was in his complete krab like mode and refused to even pretend to score runs. In the past this would have lead to a fantastic collapse from Australia, but Hughes youthful excitement made the 20 over chase a possibility at times.

While Australia did miss out on winning in 20 overs, they won the moral victory by winning the test. Doug Bollinger kissed his underwear after the match and Ryan Harris’ chest swelled so much that no one could fit in the change room.

New Zealand’s two cricketers, Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan, must be a little disappointed that their side made 564 in total, being that they made 42% of them (I think that is right) between the two of them. Vettori is thinking of changing the batting order for the next match with Tuffey to go in at 3 and for Ingram to bowl medium pace when the other bowlers are tired.

Only the carrot of the IPL can keep the smiles on the faces of the New Zealand middle order marvels.

This game might seem like just another test, but it could be the last time Australia ever enforces the follow on. Even though they won by 10 wickets with their dicks in the air, it must have made them nervous once the chase went over 100. Their nerves must be shot.

It should also be mentioned that Phil Hughes now averages 51.25 in test cricket. It doesn’t mean much, but it makes me smile a little.

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inspiring krab

Part of the reason I started on this ridiculous question-answering thing is because I felt like I was in a rut.

Writing is like batting or cleaning your teeth; some times you do it better than others.

I thought the question thing might help.

And the weirdest thing has happened, I found out that not only do I like Simon Katich now; I find his whole story inspiring.

I was just answering this question, and then I looked at my answer; it shocked me.

I found Katich inspiring? Me?

The man who started calling him the Krab.

Looking at what Katich has done makes it hard to not admire him.

He has overcome being Western Australian, having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, his technique, came back from oblivion and choking a golden child to become the most consistent test player Australia has at the moment.

Based on all that he does inspire me.

Therein lies the problem.

I enjoyed not knowing I like him.

It was something I had was holding onto and enjoying.

George Lucas never really got life, hate doesn’t lead to the dark side, it leads to a healthy life.

When Katich could be mercilessly bagged I was a happy man, now I might feel guilty and stop instead.

This question thing is to blame, so I won’t be answering any more questions, somethings are better off unknown.

From now on I will push through my bad writing form like the krab does when at the crease.

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Shane Watson wins

The Allan Border Medal is pretty new. Australia have been pretty handy since 2000 the list of players who have won the award is tasty.

McGrath, Waugh, Hayden, Gilchrist, and Ponting.

There is a name missing, SK Warne.

Warne probably would have won one had he played one-day cricket between 03 and 07. In 06 he was Australia’s best test cricketer and won an award that said that, but not the AB. Because the point system is allocated for all international games for the Allan Border medal, Ricky Ponting won was the winner that year.

I don’t agree with the system, the best test player should win the major award, even if that is Collin Miller.

This year the best test player was Simon the Krab Katich.

He was Australia’s most consistent player in the voting period. By last summer he had turned from an embarrassing eyesore to Australia’s best batting eyesore, and he kept that up for the year.

The fact that he won the award does tell the story of Australian cricket in 09. A recycled player well into his cricket twilight averaged 48 with the bat and was Australia’s best test player.

Australia’s best player in all forms of the game was Shane Watson. In one day cricket he was destructive with the bat and ok with the ball. In test cricket he was savage with the bat and handy with the ball.

Other than his occasional moments of monumental stupidity, which we all have (I once shaved my head but left my fringe), he has been a force.

It hasn’t always been pretty, during the year he has traded metrosexual insults with Jimmy Anderson, made missing a test hundred an artform, abused Gayle like a 3 year old would, and stalked Phil Hughes spot like a CIA assassin.

But the big bastard is the best-performed Australian cricketer in all 3 formats of the game (had he played in more tests he probably would have won the test award too).

They give you the medal for that sort of hi-jinx.

He deserves it, doesn’t mean the whole world will suddenly warm to him.

Ofcourse the real winner of the night was Haley Rich Bracken (whose name I had to look up when writing this) for wearing a mermaid costume that should help her singing career.

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Michael Clarke Debunked

Yesterday’s face saving innings (from an Australian, if not a personal perspective) has had a few people wondering if Clarke is one of the best batsmen in the world today.

Hmmmmm.

Yesterday’s ton was his 12th in 81 innings, a strike rate of one every 6.75 innings.

In the current series, that puts him behind Ponting (exactly 1:6), but ahead of both Katich and Mr Cricket. But it also puts him behind Strauss (1:6.61) and Pietersen (1:6.06). Which, for my money, makes him no better than 5th in the world and probably not even in the top ten.Unfortunately for Australia, he’s currently their only batsman in any kind of consistent form and yet he’s still rubbish against the moving ball. If one thing emphasises Australia’s struggles in this series, it is that.

(Katich and Hussey, incidentally, have very similar records. One lost his place and fought and fought til he won it back; the other seems undroppable no matter how bad his form. Makes you wonder who deserves that Mr Cricket title more, doesn’t it?)

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16 Reasons Why Australia Won’t Win The Ashes

Ricky Ponting

 

Let’s start at the top. Ponting runs the risk of becoming the first captain to lose the Ashes twice, and it is a very real risk of that happening. History shows that Ponting’s Aussies do not take defeat likely – witness their thrashings of both England and South Africa after losing to them – but this also shows that they are intent on learning things the hard way. If you can only outsmart Graeme Smith by losing to him, there’s something wrong somewhere in your brain.

 

There’s no doubt that Ponting the Batsman has improved over the last four years, but Ponting the Captain does not seem to have moved on at all. He’s up against a leader more cerebral than either Smith* or Michael Vaughan and this time he doesn’t have a side full of experienced lieutenants to help him out. Moreover, he’s the only member of the Aussie top order who can be relied upon to make runs during this series; even for a scrapper like Ponting, that’s a heavy weight to bear on top of everything else.

 

Michael Clarke

 

Australia’s worst nightmare has to be that Ponting gets injured and Clarke takes over the captaincy. If ever a player failed to live up to his early promise, it’s this guy. The ‘Pup’ nickname hangs around his neck like a leaden dog tag and, no matter how many runs he scores, he never seems to be truly comfortable at the crease. His increasingly anodyne left arm spin means that he cannot truly be regarded as a bowling option in Test cricket. As the changing hairstyles show, he seems to be a man still trying to find his role within the side.

 

Phillip Hughes

 

Burst onto the scene against a South African side who had hardly seen any footage of him and scored plenty of runs against an attack somewhat lacking in either brains or guile. Even so, he showed some weakness against the rising ball bowled from around the wicket and moving into him. England’s attack might not be as pacy as the South Africans’, but Broad and Anderson certainly have more wit about their bowling than Steyn, Nel and Ntini and Flintoff specialises in the sort of ball Hughes has trouble with.

 

Moreover, whilst he has been scoring a truckload of runs whilst playing for Middlesex, he will find an English Test attack in English conditions a very different proposition to a popgun Division Two one, especially as he will have provided hours of footage for England to analyse. Indeed, a conspiracy theorist might suggest that county attacks had been told to keep him at the crease for as long as possible.

 

Simon Katich

 

The most surprising survivor of the 2005 side, Katich reinvented himself as an attacking opening bat to win back his place in the side. The suspicion remains that the technical defects exploited by England four years ago remain and will be even more exposed against the new ball than the old one. The fact that his famously volcanic temper seems to have worsened over the intervening four years won’t have helped and the stress of an Ashes series is likely to provoke at least one flashpoint during the summer. That his left arm wrist spin is now an even more effective weapon could actually act against the Aussies, as the lack of other spin bowling options could force them to retain him even if he does hit a bad run of form.

 

Mike Hussey

 

Mr Cricket is in the worst run of form of his career. Whilst he could conceivably come out of it before the Ashes begin, it is hard to see how five months with no first class cricket at all will assist. His performances against South Africa this winter suggest that he may have lost his nerve against quality fast bowling.

 

Marcus North

 

As well as having to deal with the tensions of a first Ashes series, North now has to prove that he is worthy of the number six spot over and above the missing Andrew Symonds. Has plenty of experience of English conditions, but again has only played in the second division here. Another who will probably rely upon his bowling to retain his place.

 

Andrew McDonald

 

Probably the luckiest man to be on this tour. Has yet to convince anyone other than the Aussie selectors that he is Test class. As a rule, gingers aren’t.

 

Shane Watson

 

Has shown occasional flashes of being able to play at this level. Problem is that, any time he hits a good vein of form, he gets injured. It is as if there is some kind of horrendous curse on the man. When asked why he had been selected, Andrew Hilditch didn’t seem to know. Which doesn’t exactly bode well.

 

Brad Haddin

 

Iron gloves, dubious morals and has only had one decent run of scores at Test level. Basically, not Adam Gilchrist on so many levels. Even allowing for the fact that he had a hard act to follow, is not likely to frighten any international attack and batsmen will always feel comfortable with him standing up to the stumps.

 

Graham Manou

 

Not even Brad Haddin.

 

Mitchell Johnson

 

Frustratingly inconsistent, he has the ability to damage any batting order with the ball and demoralise bowling attacks with his late order hitting. However, still seems equally likely to get carted around the park with the ball and to be dismissed cheaply. The latter calls into question his credentials as a Test match number eight. Basically, until he learns some self control, he’s not going to be the threat he should be.

 

Brett Lee

 

Will the real Brett Lee please stand up. He seemed to be rising to the challenge of leading the attack in place of McGrath, even during the 2005 Ashes. But once Pigeon was gone for good, he lost form, got injured and the cycle just seemed to repeat itself. His overall statistics haven’t altered much, but it is hard to see how he is going to be the same player that he was four years ago after so much time away from the game.

 

Peter Siddle

 

His record against South Africa cannot be ignored, but neither the fact that the bulk of his Test wickets have come in hot, dry conditions. Will only be a serious contender on this tour if the summer is unusually warm, especially as he has never played in England before.

 

Stuart Clark

 

Like Lee, coming back from a serious injury. Hard, therefore, to see him starting in the Cardiff Test, which will then deprive Australia of their most potent bowling threat in English conditions.

 

Nathan Hauritz

 

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

 

 

 

In short. The Aussies aren’t going to win the Ashes, England are going to have to lose them.

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The insignificant current Australian players of the IPL

Just to clarify, the word current means players who haven’t retired from national duty.

Moises Henriques – Kolkata
38 runs @ av 19 sr 95 hs 30*
2 wickets @ 53 econ 8.79 bb 1/32

No one could quite understand how he kept getting a game, or the new ball. Is a very talented young kid, but maybe, just maybe, he should perform at the level below before he is given an opportunity.

David Hussey – Kolkata
98 runs @ av 24 sr 166 hs 43
0 wickets econ 8.5

Came late onto a ship that had already sunk, and decided to swing away. Looked in top touch, but kept getting out after amazing starts. Had a way better strike rate than McCullum or Gayle.

Lee Carseldine – Rajasthan
81 runs @ av 20.25 sr 119 hs 39
1 wicket @ 6 econ 6 bb 1/6

Came in first game and just smacked the ball everywhere when no one else could get the ball off the square, sadly that was about all he did in the tournament. Interestingly only bowled one over.

Rob Quiney - Rajasthan
103 runs @ av 14.7 sr 100.98 hs 51

Hit his first ball in the IPL for 6, then went out. Only really got two starts, and showed glimpses of his talent, but good spinners slowed him down or got him out. Hopefully he has learnt some good lessons, and will be able to score more consistently for Victoria.

Shane Harwood – Rajasthan
9 runs (no outs) sr 62 hs 6*
3 wickets @ 24.3 econ 7.30 bb 2/25

Only played 3 games, but did look dangerous. Rajasthan were more worried with making runs so he and Morne spent most of their time on the bench.

Luke Ronchi – Mumbai Indians
0 runs from 1 game

Sachin went into panic mode about half way through the tournament and threw Luke one game. He was run out for a duck.

Simon Katich – Punjab
145 runs @ av 16 sr 123 hs 50

His 50 was sensational, as good as I have seen the krab time the ball, but struggled other than that. 2020 really wasn’t made for him, and had his coach not been Moody, I doubt he would played too often.

George Bailey – Chennai
45 runs @ av 22.5 sr 115 hs 30

In both of his innings he looked in top form, and in both of them he ran himself out. The good news was smilin’ George looked completely at home at this level of cricket.

Andrew McDonald - Delhi
3 runs @ av 3 sr 75 hs 3
0 wickets (3 overs) econ 7.33 bb 0/22

Only played the one game when Delhi were resting players, and got a sensational Yorker from Anil Kumble.

Luke Pomersbach – Punjab
41 runs @ av 10.25 sr 83 hs 26

Looked out of touch, and small. When Luke is at his best he looks like a Hayden type bully, here he looked like a mouse imitating a flea.

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The Australian Squad for the Ashes in a parallel universe

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

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How to win the Ashes

According to Foxsports Mickey Arthur has released a manual how to win the ashes.

Even though he has publicly taken his name out of the ring about 5 times, there are still camps who believe he wants the gig.

Foxsports believe releasing his  blueprint on how to beat Australia is another step to taking over.

But this must be the guide to beating Australia for ADD afflicted coked up monkeys.

It isn’t a plan, it’s a line on how to test each batsman.

And not always a good line.

Phillip Hughes: Cramp him up, bowl around the wicket to him and get him on the front foot.

If this was their plan they failed to execute it on like three levels. And perhaps that is why he top scored in the series.

Simon Katich: A solid player. Aim for his off-stump and get him coming forward on the line of a fourth stump.

I’m not sure I even understand the premise here. It should read, bats like a krab, kill it.

Ricky Ponting: You have to bowl wide to him. He loves the feel of bat on ball and reaches for it. Bowl to Punter on the line of a fifth stump.

No talk of tall bowlers bowling off cutters? Ishant Sharma and Morne Morkel, anyone? Plus all bowlers should spit on their hands before bowling to him.

Mike Hussey: Despite the fact that Mr Cricket knows English conditions very well, get him out of his comfort zone. Get under his skin with short fast bowling.

Seems to nick out from full balls alot early on, and plays on off shorter balls once set. Also, is fully shit now, aim at stumps and wait for cheer.

Michael Clarke: He doesn’t move his feet outside his crease. Try the three-card trick: two short deliveries, then the all-important third right in the blockhole.

Goes out near breaks, plays balls in the air through cover point with religious fanaticism. Or just tell him Katich wants a word after play with him.

Marcus North: Bowl just outside the off-stump at a player who looks to be a good find and has made the number six spot all his own, following his solid debut tour of South Africa.

Just outside off, seems like you have worked him out, perhaps you should tell all bowlers about this revolutionary theory.

Brad Haddin: he stays leg-side and flays through the off-side. Utilise two gullies as he hits the ball in the air in that region.

How about keeping a ring field until he has a brain fade.

If I was an ECB big wig, i’d be a pompous wanker, and this would not impress me at all.

I know 12 year olds who could be chained to the couch with pen and paper and come up with better than this.

That’s not true, I don’t know any 12 year olds.


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Can you ask him if he likes me?

I like to bag Ricky Ponting’s captaincy.

Generally with good reasons.

Slow over rates, stroppiness, unimaginativeness, spitting on his hands, etc…

I must say on this tour his captaincy has looked alot better.

Tactically, especially with Siddle, he has allowed and encouraged different ways of getting batsmen out.

The team seems to be up with him.

And other than some stroppiness, and the fact he encouraged the McDonald/bowling the front liners into the dirt campaign, he has done a decent job.

He has even given the Krab a bowl.

Something i called for in the wake of the Perth test.

It didn’t happen.

In Melbourne I didn’t even bother asking for it.

But Ricky did, according to Foxsports, “Ponting had apparently asked vice-captain Michael Clarke to ask Katich if he wanted to bowl”.

If this is true, this is weak as the very weakest of piss.

What sort of weird relationship does Simon Katich have with the Australian Team Leaders.

He chokes Michael Clarke, justifiably.

And Ricky Ponting doesn’t even ask him to bowl.

The Krab rejected Michael Clarke’s approach, so would I.

Ofcourse that was in Melbourne, and the Australian team was different then.

They were losing.

In Durban Ricky actually asked the Krab to bowl, and he bowled, and he took wickets, and they won.

It’s this sort of brilliant captaincy, asking people to bowl, that wins you test matches.

Is this in the manual, do other countries know about this, is this what Greg Chappell went to India for?

Yet again Australia are leading the field in cricket theory.


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Sing the song you bastard

Call someone a lump of shit while too drunk to be interviewed, miss a tour.

Don’t turn up to a meeting you didn’t know was on, miss a tour.

Choke the vice captain over his handling of how the team sings their victory song, no penalty.

That is the message coming from the Cricket Australia headquarters today.

Why, what, how, I here you mumble.

Well Simon Katich got a bit upset with Michael Clarke after their victory at the SCG against the Saffas, and so he grabbed Clarke by the throat.

Luckily for everyone involved, Ishant Sharma and Simon Katich aren’t team mates.

The fight is supposedly about the fact that Michael Clarke wanted the victory song sung earlier so he could get home, and the Krab wanted it postponed until he was drunker.
Clarke had this to say about it;

“This kind of thing occasionally happens in cricket teams. We didn’t see eye to eye on that night”

How could you, he had his hand around your throat.

Lets just do a little recent history.

Legbreak says:

I’m with Katich. Real Men don’t sing songs sober. Clarke’s a cuntox all right.

Clarke and Roy fall out, twice.

Now Katich and Clarke have fallen out.

Three personality fall outs, one man in all 3.

The question must be asked, is Clarke , an easy target, unlucky, or a cuntox?

The Australian team is going retro, it’s very 80’s right now.

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